How to talk to anyone and why you should • Hacker News Board

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#501

Post by m463 » Mon, Mar 02, 2026, 9:05 PM UTC

I think people also overlook opportunities to talk... at their peril.

I remember going to a motel (they actually had cabins) to reserve a place for relatives coming into town. The owner was a nice guy, and he ran the whole place himself.

I took the girlfriend with me, drove over and we walked over to talk to him. As I started the conversation, you could see he took pride in his place and he was a garrulous guy with sort of a twinkle in his eye.

"How much will this cost?!" the girlfriend blurted out.

All of a sudden the blossoming conversation ground to a halt, as he put his hand on the back of his neck and started thinking about what a cheap room would go for.

We talked about it later, sort of like "I think we were all starting to form a relationship at the start of the conversation, and we lost an opportunity"

I think all of us have these opportunities to form a relationship with lots of people we interact with every day, and we can allow it or deny it.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#502

Post by weirdkid » Mon, Mar 02, 2026, 9:09 PM UTC

stackedinserter wrote: post #425

Smoking used to be a very effective social interaction catalyzer back in my young days.

I no longer smoke as a habit, but when I have to travel solo (like for work) I sometimes will buy a pack just so I have an excuse to strike up a conversation with other humans without being called a creep or weirdo. "Hey, you got a light? What brand you smoking? How are you liking the conference so far?"

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#503

Post by jibal » Mon, Mar 02, 2026, 9:12 PM UTC

dmd wrote: post #126

jibal wrote: post #114

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If it's obvious to you that everyone should be bothered by people being friendly then there's an error in your reasoning process.

I'm guessing you're either from the midwest US, or not from the US. Am I right?

I probably shouldn't even legitimize this absurdity by responding to it, but no. And if the answer were yes, that would not validate the fallacious reasoning processes leading to this guess. Here's a hint: reread my comment, focusing on the words "obvious" and "everyone".

I won't comment further.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#504

Post by jibal » Mon, Mar 02, 2026, 9:20 PM UTC

Telaneo wrote: post #130

jibal wrote: post #117

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> it would seem an incredibly rude thing to do It's one thing to not want it and to be comfortable not wanting it, but viewing it as rude goes way beyond that and is not rational.

The golden rule disagrees. I am bothered by random people wanting to talk to me -> Randomly talking to other people would bother them -> Bothering people is rude -> Randomly talking to people is rude. Hence why the platinum rule is better. Once you know that other people (apparently!) aren't bothered by randomly striking up a conversation, you can adjust your actions accordingly.

> The golden rule disagrees.

No, that rule does not say "it is rude for others to do unto you differently from how you would do unto them"--it's about how you should behave toward others, not a justification for your negative judgment of how others behave toward you.

I agree that the platinum rule is better, but that difference is not the problem here.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#505

Post by jibal » Mon, Mar 02, 2026, 9:22 PM UTC

johnnyanmac wrote: post #192

jibal wrote: post #114

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If it's obvious to you that everyone should be bothered by people being friendly then there's an error in your reasoning process.

Different experiences. Few people are friendly for frienliness' sake. The first step is to get your guard down.

I said "obvious" and "everyone". I think your level of paranoia is irrational, but in addition it's not required of everyone with those different experiences.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#506

Post by aeternum » Mon, Mar 02, 2026, 9:27 PM UTC

Ok but can we have another post on how to subtly signal that you do not want to be talked to?

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#507

Post by b40d-48b2-979e » Mon, Mar 02, 2026, 9:27 PM UTC

xigoi wrote: post #498

notepad0x90 wrote: post #424

Earlier quoted context omitted.

But then I'd be prejudiced. Stereotypes exist because they have a certain good degree of accuracy, but that doesn't make them right. For the sake of that one person in that group that didn't do anything wrong, I have to try and be fair to the whole group.

The funny thing is that if they recommended guessing based on race, rather than gender and age, the comment would be downvoted to hell.

Funny how? Are you suggesting some races are more violent? Not all immutable characteristics are made equal.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#508

Post by MyHonestOpinon » Mon, Mar 02, 2026, 9:30 PM UTC

graypegg wrote: post #458

SequoiaHope wrote: post #11

After a bad breakup in 2015, I followed some advice from the socialskills subreddit to “talk to everyone” so that you get better at talking to women you might want to date. The advice was not to only talk to attractive people but everyone. The old man reading a Russian newspaper, the kid on bike doing tricks, people in the elevator. I do that now and it brings me a lot of joy. Recently while leaving a botanical garde…

Probably at least once a week, you're going to see someone drop something, press the wrong button on the elevator, try to push on the pull door etc. My own stress always peeks when I'm in public and trip up on something minor like that. If you just shout "hey you need help?" you're probably not going to make them feel any better and doubly worse if you just avoid eye contact and walk around them. When that happens to…

Coming up with the right phrase in the moment sounds risky. Is there another phrase you can use to offer help ?

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#509

Post by ptero » Mon, Mar 02, 2026, 9:32 PM UTC

matwood wrote: post #359

ptero wrote: post #341

Earlier quoted context omitted.

In some age groups/environments, sure; but not in general. And if folks crave interaction they want it to be deeper than a surface level. That's not saying you should not try, but learn to recognize early signs of folks not being interested and don't push it.

Where do you think deep social interaction starts?

Wherever it starts, it requires both sides willingness to go beyond the level of "quite a weather, huh". Without which the right approach is a quick and graceful exit. My 2c.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#510

Post by Telaneo » Mon, Mar 02, 2026, 9:34 PM UTC

jibal wrote: post #504

Telaneo wrote: post #130

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The golden rule disagrees. I am bothered by random people wanting to talk to me -> Randomly talking to other people would bother them -> Bothering people is rude -> Randomly talking to people is rude. Hence why the platinum rule is better. Once you know that other people (apparently!) aren't bothered by randomly striking up a conversation, you can adjust your actions accordingly.

> The golden rule disagrees. No, that rule does not say "it is rude for others to do unto you differently from how you would do unto them"--it's about how you should behave toward others, not a justification for your negative judgment of how others behave toward you. I agree that the platinum rule is better, but that difference is not the problem here.

I don't judge them negatively. They're working based on the available information. That line of reasoning is the exact same that I would use if it weren't for the fact that I have better information available and thus can apply the platinum rule. I don't enjoy random conversations, and would consider it rude to engage in them if it weren't for the fact people seem to enjoy them. Since they do, I try to engage in them when people try to strike one up.

If I didn't have that information (and people used the golden rule consistently and weren't just knobheads), then I would be consistently annoyed at people not following the golden rule. As long as my theory of mind doesn't include 'other people generally enjoy random conversations', my perception would be that the golden rule is consistently broken by people striking up random conversations.