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Wondering why? Here are few quotes from it: “May I never be complete. May I never be content. May I never be perfect.” ― Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club
“I say never be complete, I say stop being perfect, I say let... lets evolve, let the chips fall where they may.” ― Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club
Then you learn a bunch of stuff from being out of your depth, get a bunch of money for your trouble, and - depending on the internal political strength of the person who finds out - find another job. It's not the end of the world.
The worries you talk about, however, are things that a lot of people have to varying degrees. To learn is to feel somewhat out of one's depth; to be confused. If you already knew all the answers, I find it hard to imagine that the work would be particularly interesting. Taken as the general case, to know enough is to be done with learning and thus to stagnate. They are worries that you'd still have if you were exactly where you were going to get the most advantage.
You don't know enough to immediately solve your challenges - that's why they're challenges rather than typing exercises. Chances are that no-one else there, at least no-one who isn't wasting their potential, does either.
The first impulse is to try to cheer yourself up by "thinking positive" reminding yourself of your achievements and attempting to bolster your self-esteem. You are setting up a trap for yourself in which small disappointments shatter your fragile self-image. You enter a vicious cycle of rebuilding/breaking your self-esteem that has a huge toll on your mental capacity, as you have already observed.
In the end, the only way out is to stop thinking about oneself. You understand that your self-image is illusory, then there is no self-image to damage. You are entitled to nothing except to experience life. Your true being becomes defined by something more essential than your work, your performance, your personal relationships and such.
Curiously, once you let go you will observe your capacity for enjoyment and performance greatly increases. You work because it brings pleasure and satisfaction, not because it brings admiration or success. Let go of expectations and plans and you will observe that things work out on their own.
Of course this does not happen overnight, everyone's path is different so it's difficult to say what will work out for you other than to be patient and accept your anxiety as part of a process of growth.
In my case keeping track of my mood and my habits helped tremendously:
https://medium.com/@duopixel/the-qualified-self-7f69c6b23623
Earlier quoted context omitted.
I do appreciate the suggestion, and I wholeheartedly agree that therapy can be a powerful tool. As can medication! I've had mixed success with both. I wanted to take that off the table for this particular discussion, as a thread filled with "seek professional help" didn't seem like it'd be a useful one for the community (or for me).
Keep in mind that confiding in and talking with close friends is a good form of therapy.
Used to be anxious, now I'm not. This stuff may or may not apply to you. Take it as one anecdotal experience. First, are these in line?: * Sleep * Diet * Exercise * Meditation/relaxation time Whenever I feel anxious now, I notice I've let one or more of those slide. Anxiety resolves when I fix them. Second, I used to be anxious for the following reasons: * I was socially awkward with few friends. * I was bad at readi…
I would have never believed this, but after I started on a ketogenic diet I realized my stress/anxiety was greatly reduced. (Beware: antidote, n=1, etc).
>>Exercise
I find the days I feel "too busy" (aka really just stressed) for a walk are the days I need it most. I seldom find a 45 min walk to be a waste of time in retrospect.
1. See a psychiatrist. There's no shame in it.
2. You're not "becoming the impostor [you're] trying to conceal." You're fighting a neurological challenge that, untreated, would overwhelm almost anyone.
3. Sleep: 8 hours, same approximate time of day, take melatonin (or, if your doctor suggests something stronger, then that) if you have insomnia.
4. Exercise and diet are important. Eat greens, work out every day (do different activities, obviously) and try to avoid too much caffeine. Best time to exercise is in the morning, for most people.
5. Try not to spend too much time in an open-plan office (this can be hard to avoid). Use breakaway offices and take walks outside if you need to. Once you establish a reputation as a strong performer (and, remember, you're probably a lot better than your impostor syndrome has you thinking you are) you can WFH approximately 1 day per week per year that you've been at a company.
5a. ETA: It's quite probable, if you work in an open-plan or cubicle office while others can see you while you work, or approach you without you seeing them, that this is making you sick. Having to manage your image and perform cognitively intense work is very damaging (it's too incoherent, and overwhelms the brain) and your body starts to release toxins after 4-6 hours under that particular form of stress. Open-plan is truly the devil.
6. Meditation / mindfulness practice after you get your other ducks in a row. (Sitting and stewing and being anxious isn't "meditating", so get your mental health on an even keel in therapy and then use meditation to further strengthen your resolve once well.)
7. Don't be ashamed of it. It's not your fault. Anxiety disorders suck. Just do the best you can and understand that even normal people have the "impostor syndrome" phase at some point-- especially early in their careers.
8. ETA: Stop focusing on how good or not-good you are, especially relative to your peers. Just focus on skill improvement. Compete against yourself, not them, and just get better every day at what you think is important. Get so busy improving that you don't have time to think about where you "are" on the skill spectrum: get a Heisenberg sort of thing going on where your position is not measurable and irrelevant because of your momentum.
Most people love to help when asked. Have one of those people connect you with people or resources that can fill in some knowledge, skill or experience gaps that you may identify. No one else needs to know about your concerns beyond that first person, if that's how you want it. Schedule the meeting right now.
2. Related to 1, when you're afraid of being found out for not knowing something, it's hard to ask for help. So make it a near term goal to eventually ask everyone you work with for help on something. Just something small is good enough, to get you used to doing this. You'll probably find that they don't think a thing about it, and will be glad to help. It also builds relationships. Successful people always ask for help.
3.It's hard to self-assess when you're broken. It sounds like you're temporarily broken. Temporarily. So have a discussion with your doctor, as a jumping off point. He may recommend any number of things, but he's clear-eyed at the moment and you're not. If you don't have a doctor, get one, or contact the most immediately available relevant health professional available. Do this today. Step away from the Hacker News and make an appointment with your doctor.
4. Have a nice weekend.