Earlier quoted context omitted.
This is not "academic writing", it is writing trying to sound academic. At my University you would get higher regard for your version and consequently better marks. If it is a subject you are interested in, then George Orwell's essay on writing style [1] is worth a read. [1] https://www.mtholyoke.edu/acad/intrel/orwell46.htm
Indeed it is! I also highly recommend William Zinsser's On Writing Well. It's a perfect gem of a book and improved my writing more than anything else ever has.
I'm on chapter 6, all good so far. Thanks for the recommendation.
The full text is available online