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When do we become adults, really?

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Re: When do we become adults, really?

#51

Post by sethammons »

I have been a parent since I was 15. Officially married and moved on our own at 19. Graduated from the university at 22. Struggled hard-core until about 30 when my career changed and finally kicked off. My wife became an at home mom for our now three kids. It was my 40s when I realized, "oh, others see me as the adult in the room." I joke and say, "i have always been in my 30s," but I do feel a change recently. Very much facing forest dweller stage already with my oldest getting married.

What makes an adult? I think accepting responsibility for your (and often someone else's) condition is a big part of it. I did that at 15. I double downed at 30 when I became our sole provider. But it was my 40s when I started to feel like an adult.

I see many "adult" children and many more adults acting like children. The difference seems to be a combination of self-awareness, social awareness, and responsibility taking.

Re: When do we become adults, really?

#52

Post by annie511266728 »

AltruisticGapHN wrote: post #21

I'm 51 now and I feel like I will never be an adult. Looking around I see a lot of broken people, each in their own peculiar ways. Everyone has some coping mechanisms, triggers, and behaviours rooted in childhood. I don't see it in a bad light, I think it is just humanity.

I think a lot of people feel this, they just stop saying it out loud.

At some point I realized “adults” aren’t people who figured things out, they’re just people who got used to not knowing — which is both kind of freeing and a little unsettling.

Re: When do we become adults, really?

#53

Post by sethammons »

TheOtherHobbes wrote: post #47

I've seen some definitions that include a few basic requirements, such as: - A basic level of emotional stability and self-control - Some ability to model consequences accurately - Some ability to negotiate and handle imperfections and challenges in social situations, including relationships and work - Some ability to accurately locate the line between internal and external responsibility, and to act accordingly On t…

> On that basis it's not at all about age or life stages, but about social and emotional competence.

I like that. And because humans are (sometimes poor) pattern matchers, we are confusing that for the proxy of age.

Re: When do we become adults, really?

#54

Post by sethammons »

ReptileMan wrote: post #49
shinycode wrote: post #6

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I know many people who have children and are not adults. And someone who never have kids will never be adult ?

Yes. When you don't have kids you can always quit the game/rat race one way or another if it gets too much. With kids - it is different. Kids are the only burden you can't easily shrug off in this life.

I assume you grew up in different circles than me. I have seen countless kids shrugged off growing up poor and around drug addiction. I have heard the rich shrug them off to boarding school sometimes.

Re: When do we become adults, really?

#55

Post by shinycode »

ReptileMan wrote: post #49
shinycode wrote: post #6

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I know many people who have children and are not adults. And someone who never have kids will never be adult ?

Yes. When you don't have kids you can always quit the game/rat race one way or another if it gets too much. With kids - it is different. Kids are the only burden you can't easily shrug off in this life.

So you’ve never seen parents quit and neglect their kids ? That does not exists ?

Re: When do we become adults, really?

#56

Post by sethammons »

rrgok wrote: post #34

When there is no more physical development? A couple of years after sexuality has been stabilized physically. Why is that so clear in other animals but not in humans? Every other social construct is just mental gymnastics. We believe we are special and need to do these gymnastics to keep the importance up.

This is an interesting question. Neoteny is the preservation of juvenile features into adulthood and is a hallmark of domestication. Humans have been undergoing self-domestication so features like rounder faces and softer jaw lines are persisting past sexual maturity.

We _know_ the human brain is finishing its development in our early to mid twenties, maybe 10 years post puberty. This extra brain development likely needed for our advanced social and tool needs, and is a unique niche for humans. Our hidden brain development does make a difference. Other primates don't display this.

Re: When do we become adults, really?

#57

Post by ReptileMan »

shinycode wrote: post #55
ReptileMan wrote: post #49

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yes. When you don't have kids you can always quit the game/rat race one way or another if it gets too much. With kids - it is different. Kids are the only burden you can't easily shrug off in this life.

So you’ve never seen parents quit and neglect their kids ? That does not exists ?

I have seen of course. But the point is - if you abandon everything in life right now while childless you are not a failure as human being. It is your right to say fuck it all at any moment. If you abandon your kids you are.

Re: When do we become adults, really?

#58

Post by annie511266728 »

Nevermark wrote: post #36

No theoretical life stage partitions are correct. Some are useful. Every five years, my life and context have changed profoundly in ways I could never have predicted. I feel like I have lived many lifetimes. I am not sure how I would measure growing up. I could never stay at one level long enough to get effortlessly good at it. My head is too far into the clouds. The stars are so inviting. So I experience a lot of in…

[dead]

Re: When do we become adults, really?

#59

Post by juliendorra »

blueflow wrote: post #46
AltruisticGapHN wrote: post #21

I'm 51 now and I feel like I will never be an adult. Looking around I see a lot of broken people, each in their own peculiar ways. Everyone has some coping mechanisms, triggers, and behaviours rooted in childhood. I don't see it in a bad light, I think it is just humanity.

Child abuse might be a large driver behind dysfunctionality in adulthood, with disability or early retirement as a consequence. There were some big child neglect cases around the millennium, since them, the topic got more attention from researchers. It used to be that traumatised kids got slapped with a ADHD, autism and/or borderline diagnosis and it got called a day. These are "that's just how you are" style diagnos…

ADHD and other mental issues are under-diagnosed in dysfunctional or toxic families, and of course exist in very stable caring families, so I would be very curious in which data link the very different symptoms you cite directly to trauma. It feels like going back to the era of shaming mothers for autism.

Re: When do we become adults, really?

#60

Post by shinycode »

ReptileMan wrote: post #57
shinycode wrote: post #55

Earlier quoted context omitted.

So you’ve never seen parents quit and neglect their kids ? That does not exists ?

I have seen of course. But the point is - if you abandon everything in life right now while childless you are not a failure as human being. It is your right to say fuck it all at any moment. If you abandon your kids you are.

Agreed, but it proves the point that having kids does not makes you an adult
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