I'm addicted to being useful • Hacker News Board

Re: I'm addicted to being useful

#51

Post by funkyfiddler69 » Tue, Jan 20, 2026, 1:50 PM UTC

tclancy wrote: post #7

> I don’t mind the ways in which my job is dysfunctional, because it matches the ways in which I myself am dysfunctional As a fellow traveller, I offer one caution: learn to turn this down in personal relationships as it can be counterproductive. It took decades for my wife to finally get through and explain not every problem she voices is something that needs a solution. Some times people just want to be heard. It b…

> not every problem she voices is something that needs a solution

Relatable. Is true for even the simplest problems that some people have.

Sometimes they just didn't even address it yet and are only becoming adequately aware of it and here you are spelling out a plan of action during a 7 min encounter in the kitchen.

Re: I'm addicted to being useful

#52

Post by bflesch » Tue, Jan 20, 2026, 1:50 PM UTC

TeMPOraL wrote: post #29

lazide wrote: post #26

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Pro tip - that usually just makes people angrier haha. (Source: twice divorced, and was - per the court - always right, but it didn’t help me one bit). The challenge is, some people (most) get stuck on some emotional thing, and will drain you dry if you try to even engage with them on it. It’s especially prevalent right now.

> The challenge is, some people (most) get stuck on some emotional thing, and will drain you dry if you try to even engage with them on it. It’s especially prevalent right now. Yup. I've long learned to suppress my problem-solver nature because "people want to be heard", but then what it gets is turning me into a sounding board for people who get stuck on something indefinitely. It's easy to not jump in with solution…

I call that "you are the garbage bin for other people's emotions". And once you realize this process you can't unsee it and re-evaluate some relationships. If it is each side taking turns being the "emotional garbage bin" then it's a healthy relationship.

But if people only reach out to drop their toxic waste and leave you without the chance to get rid of your own toxic waste you feel not good afterwards. Like where you have conversations and then afterwards notice that you were not able to actually speak about any of your own problems and worries.

That's what I really like about the kids and their words of the year: They used "aura" and at first I thought what a bullshit term is that, but after a while I came to understand it. It's totally fine to listen to your stomach feelings, if someone's aura is negative or their vibes are off you don't need to give them a reason why you stop interacting, you just leave.

We've been trained to be helpful and nice to everyone but then wonder why we feel drained at the end of the day. It's because we're spending emotional bandwidth on people and things that don't give us any energy back.

The word "aura" for all of this is extremely nice. If you see a spooky person approaching you on the street at night you also don't need to explain to them what exactly put you off about them - you just switch sides.

I can only recommend to trust your feelings.

Re: I'm addicted to being useful

#53

Post by vjerancrnjak » Tue, Jan 20, 2026, 1:50 PM UTC

This internal compulsion is just learned behavior. The society conditions you to work instead of play.

Nothing wrong with that, I have that compulsion as well.

Having a compulsion to play, purely for the sake of playing is a much healthier view. Useful, not useful, hard problem, easy problem, should not matter, you're playing.

Sometimes you can't be useful, yet you can always play.

All stems from inability to have systems without labor. Work, work.

I like how Pope John Paul II flipped the narrative and said work exist for the person, as a way for person to express itself. Made me realize how even communism stays trapped in labor mentality.

Re: I'm addicted to being useful

#54

Post by tclancy » Tue, Jan 20, 2026, 1:51 PM UTC

lazide wrote: post #39

sdoering wrote: post #20

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I tend to need to solve All The Problems before I can do any self-care I can so relate. I once read something that shifted my perspective a bit and helped me start the work of learning to better care for myself. It was basically somebody talking/writing about the safety instructions when taking a flight. They tell you that in case of an emergency, when the o2 masks drop down to first put your ownmas on, before help…

One pattern I’ve noticed, however, is that if you’re really good at doing this - and the situations being created are artificial - you might run into a situation where someone cuts or poisons your oxygen mask first. I would have said ‘no way is someone that evil’, but uh…. Ask most men in their 40’s or 50’s.

Buddy, this is the second comment in here where you want us to blame some unknown Other for our problems. That is a dead end. And gray hair doesn’t confer wisdom, as Thoreau said. Signed, some guy in his 50s.

Re: I'm addicted to being useful

#55

Post by saidnooneever » Tue, Jan 20, 2026, 1:51 PM UTC

the_af wrote: post #41

TeMPOraL wrote: post #29

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> The challenge is, some people (most) get stuck on some emotional thing, and will drain you dry if you try to even engage with them on it. It’s especially prevalent right now. Yup. I've long learned to suppress my problem-solver nature because "people want to be heard", but then what it gets is turning me into a sounding board for people who get stuck on something indefinitely. It's easy to not jump in with solution…

I want to echo this. And there's no solution. Nothing you can do, say, or not do or say will help. Even just listening will be perceived, after the umpteenth time, as condescending; and voicing your opinion is obviously a no go. It's lose-lose.

the solution is mutual recognition and understanding, but as a problem solver its not satisfying as you cant implement it in your own way :'D

Re: I'm addicted to being useful

#56

Post by tclancy » Tue, Jan 20, 2026, 1:52 PM UTC

tclancy wrote: post #54

lazide wrote: post #39

Earlier quoted context omitted.

One pattern I’ve noticed, however, is that if you’re really good at doing this - and the situations being created are artificial - you might run into a situation where someone cuts or poisons your oxygen mask first. I would have said ‘no way is someone that evil’, but uh…. Ask most men in their 40’s or 50’s.

Buddy, this is the second comment in here where you want us to blame some unknown Other for our problems. That is a dead end. And gray hair doesn’t confer wisdom, as Thoreau said. Signed, some guy in his 50s.

Sorry, my bad, fourth comment.

Re: I'm addicted to being useful

#57

Post by onion2k » Tue, Jan 20, 2026, 1:52 PM UTC

tclancy wrote: post #7

> I don’t mind the ways in which my job is dysfunctional, because it matches the ways in which I myself am dysfunctional As a fellow traveller, I offer one caution: learn to turn this down in personal relationships as it can be counterproductive. It took decades for my wife to finally get through and explain not every problem she voices is something that needs a solution. Some times people just want to be heard. It b…

It took decades for my wife to finally get through and explain not every problem she voices is something that needs a solution. Some times people just want to be heard.

I'm glad she managed to solve this problem in the end.

;)

Re: I'm addicted to being useful

#58

Post by [deleted] » Tue, Jan 20, 2026, 1:53 PM UTC

saidnooneever wrote: post #55

the_af wrote: post #41

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I want to echo this. And there's no solution. Nothing you can do, say, or not do or say will help. Even just listening will be perceived, after the umpteenth time, as condescending; and voicing your opinion is obviously a no go. It's lose-lose.

the solution is mutual recognition and understanding, but as a problem solver its not satisfying as you cant implement it in your own way :'D

[deleted]

Re: I'm addicted to being useful

#59

Post by Aurornis » Tue, Jan 20, 2026, 1:54 PM UTC

tclancy wrote: post #7

> I don’t mind the ways in which my job is dysfunctional, because it matches the ways in which I myself am dysfunctional As a fellow traveller, I offer one caution: learn to turn this down in personal relationships as it can be counterproductive. It took decades for my wife to finally get through and explain not every problem she voices is something that needs a solution. Some times people just want to be heard. It b…

> It took decades for my wife to finally get through and explain not every problem she voices is something that needs a solution.

This can become toxic in itself, though. Some times venting and being angry is what someone wants to do, but in a workplace environment that’s not a good thing to implicitly condone and support.

I’ve had some team members who just wanted to vent but not discuss solutions and (again, in a workplace, not personal relationship) it was a sign that something deeper was amiss: Being a perpetual victim of their circumstances and believing those circumstances were beyond their control was a safe, comforting place to exist. It was always easier to build up excuses that problems were thrust upon them by others, who could be held solely responsible for the results. In some cases I had to be very clear that they were responsible for working with teammates to address these issues together, not become a passive receiver of everything that happens with their peers.

Swooping in as the hero to solve everything for someone else isn’t a good solution, but (in a workplace environment) getting someone to switch from the passive victim mindset to the active mindset of engaging with their own problems is very important.

This is one topic where carrying advice from personal romantic relationships into the workplace isn’t a good idea, IMO.

Re: I'm addicted to being useful

#60

Post by funkyfiddler69 » Tue, Jan 20, 2026, 1:54 PM UTC

n4r9 wrote: post #24

tclancy wrote: post #7

> I don’t mind the ways in which my job is dysfunctional, because it matches the ways in which I myself am dysfunctional As a fellow traveller, I offer one caution: learn to turn this down in personal relationships as it can be counterproductive. It took decades for my wife to finally get through and explain not every problem she voices is something that needs a solution. Some times people just want to be heard. It b…

I frame it not as turning a dial down, but as switching channel from practical problem-solver to emotional problem-solver. Often when someone wants to talk about a situation involving difficult feelings, they're actually trying to process those feelings: to understand where the feelings are coming from, to be validated, and to be able to take a broader perspective. You can help by being curious about what they're say…

> they're actually trying to process those feelings

Exactly, help exploring their problem, maybe direct them into one nook or the other, support a proper perspective from different angles (to a small extent within the context and constraints they provided!!!), but don't solve the riddle for them. They might not even know how they really feel about it all, yet.