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How can I deal with a team member who is always complaining?

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Re: How can I deal with a team member who is always complaining?

#51

Post by scott_w »

electric_muse wrote: post #8

[flagged]

From the article:

> Complaining is not a character flaw; it is a response shaped by context, past experiences, and unmet needs such as recognition, belonging, or agency. When leaders interpret complaint only as negativity, they risk silencing the very signals that reveal what people care about. By seeing complaints as expressions of care in disguise, leaders can move beyond irritation and instead use inquiry to uncover underlying concerns, redirect energy, and invite ownership. In this way, what begins as frustration can become the raw material for contribution and engagement.

Re: How can I deal with a team member who is always complaining?

#52

Post by znpy »

electric_muse wrote: post #8

[flagged]

Not a manager, I'm an IC.

I strongly disagree. Noticing the fires is often trivial. Complaining... It depends. Complaining constructively is fine. Complaining for the sake of complaining gets annoying very fast.

Also... People that spend a lot of time complaining are usually that aren't capable of making things happen anyway. They can only see the limitations.

I avoid those people I noticed they just bring down my mental focus.

Re: How can I deal with a team member who is always complaining?

#53

Post by Ensorceled »

jacquesm wrote: post #31
palata wrote: post #24

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Sometimes I find that there is a question of preferences. Take 3 architects, they will come up with 3 different architectures. There is "style" in architecture. Some people will complain because the chosen architecture is not their preferred one, and they see everything that is not their preferred choice as "bad". I feel like establishing a hierarchy may make sense here: "This person is the architect, you are not. Yo…

I think it is really hard for certain people to admit that there are multiple ways that lead to the goal and that those other ways (not their preferred ones) are probably just as valid. And when the choice is made not to take their preferred way they turn into net negatives because now they are going to prove their way was better by sabotaging the alternative. This can wreck projects quite handily. The best managers…

This is one of the hardest things to teach new developers doing code reviews: your way isn't better, it's just different. And, sometimes it may be somewhat better but not worth changing for working code. This is especially true when talking about clarity vs succinct.

Re: How can I deal with a team member who is always complaining?

#54

Post by Ensorceled »

palata wrote: post #24
Ensorceled wrote: post #21

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This is the hardest part of dealing with a chronic complainer: they think they are the only one "noticing a fire" and "getting sidelined" for raising flags. Often there isn't actually a fire, they're complaining about trivialities. Everybody already knows about the fire because they've complaining about at every meeting for three months. Or the thing they are complaining about can't be changed. They're actually getti…

Sometimes I find that there is a question of preferences. Take 3 architects, they will come up with 3 different architectures. There is "style" in architecture. Some people will complain because the chosen architecture is not their preferred one, and they see everything that is not their preferred choice as "bad". I feel like establishing a hierarchy may make sense here: "This person is the architect, you are not. Yo…

I have a lot of patience for disagreements and alternative solutions. But at some point you need to "support the group" and not re-litigate at every opportunity.

I see that as the difference and when it becomes complaining and toxic.

Re: How can I deal with a team member who is always complaining?

#57

Post by alphazard »

siva7 wrote: post #37
jacquesm wrote: post #29

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That's a great call but it should be paired with a promise: you present your great plan and then we'll put it to a vote. Otherwise you are just trying to get rid of them with busywork.

I think many long-time managers can recall some time were they really just put up busywork for them to not have to deal with that team member. It's not the best solution but sometimes it eases political conflicts.

I wouldn't recommend this. As I mentioned in a reply to a different post: A good idea, widely visible, must be addressed by leadership. Failing to do so makes you look incompetent as a leader. That doesn't mean it has be implemented immediately, but it needs to be referenced in the larger plan, along with a rationale.

Re: How can I deal with a team member who is always complaining?

#59

Post by jacquesm »

Ensorceled wrote: post #53
jacquesm wrote: post #31

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think it is really hard for certain people to admit that there are multiple ways that lead to the goal and that those other ways (not their preferred ones) are probably just as valid. And when the choice is made not to take their preferred way they turn into net negatives because now they are going to prove their way was better by sabotaging the alternative. This can wreck projects quite handily. The best managers…

This is one of the hardest things to teach new developers doing code reviews: your way isn't better, it's just different. And, sometimes it may be somewhat better but not worth changing for working code. This is especially true when talking about clarity vs succinct.

> This is especially true when talking about clarity vs succinct.

Don't get me started on that one. And its close cousin, correctness vs speed.

Re: How can I deal with a team member who is always complaining?

#60

Post by giantg2 »

mnhnthrow34 wrote: post #28
giantg2 wrote: post #4

Depends on what they are complaining about and how they are doing it. In general, I would ask them how they would fix the problems they're complaining about. The first two steps to fixing any problem are to identify any analyze it. This might be their (unideal) way of doing that.

I think some of the most important problems get hidden if there is a culture where you expected to also want a specific solution before you complain. People avoid reporting difficult, complex problems without obvious solutions. Maybe they just see somethings as "the way things are" at that org or that leadership doesn't want to hear their needs. Better to have a free, easy ability to complain about things, and if the…

I see raising issues in a postmortem or retro different from complaining, but I generally agree.
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