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What does connecting with someone mean?

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Re: What does connecting with someone mean?

#51

Post by taneq »

scarface_74 wrote: post #26
nntwozz wrote: post #7

"It means mutual empathy — they get you and you get them. It's discovering similar values, experiences and perspectives. It's a feeling of trust and comfort where you both feel safe to say what is truly on your mind." Ah, sounds all fine and dandy! But what do you do when you discover you don't have similar values? Maybe there's no answer in todays polarized world; personally aspire to this: I don't like that man. I…

I have no desire to get to know someone who is racist or homophobic. We can disagree on supply side economics or universal healthcare all day long. I don’t owe my energy to get to know assholes.

I don't think this is an unreasonable stance. I guess we're going with downvote=disagree for this one.

It's great if you can understand and connect with someone who's fundamentally decent but uninformed/misinformed and so holds some questionable views. I don't know if those views really count as "values" in this sense, though. Values tend to be either innate, or deeply ingrained and mostly immutable. If someone feels it's okay to kick puppies, maybe I can convince them that kicking puppies is bad and they should stop, but they're still a person who is capable of being okay with kicking puppies and that's not someone I want to be friends with.

Re: What does connecting with someone mean?

#52

Post by JustExAWS »

idiotsecant wrote: post #30
scarface_74 wrote: post #26

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I have no desire to get to know someone who is racist or homophobic. We can disagree on supply side economics or universal healthcare all day long. I don’t owe my energy to get to know assholes.

There's little better than helping someone like that expand their understanding of the world and their place in it. In the end, influencing hearts and minds is one of the few things you can do that will have a lasting impact after you're gone.

This is honestly a naive take and probably comes from someone who is not a minority (I am) or someone who didn’t grow up in the south.

It reminds me of the vomit inducing DEI training I was forced to endure and the “allyship” BS when I did my stint at BigTech between 2020-2023.

There are deeply religious people who sincerely think from decades of growing up being indoctrinated in the church who believe that miscegenation is a sin and that by allowing “the gays” to get married that God will destroy the country.

I also lived in what was a famous “sundown town” until recently for eight years (yes this one https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WErjPmFulQ0). I didn’t live there myself until 2016. Where we lived is approximately a 10 minute drive from where that outdoor scene was shot. We had a house built in the burbs there. Even though I made by myself twice the household income on what has become the most affluent burb of Atlanta, my 6 foot 3 stepson who had grown up in the burbs of Atlanta all of his life still got questioned by a Karen when he was in the neighborhood pool because she didn’t think he belong there. Was I suppose to approach her and we sit down and have a coffee while introduce her to Black culture? It’s not my duty to be an ambassador to anyone.

Right now, 40% of the country is cheering Trump’s treatment of LGBT and especially trans and immigrants.

And even if someone who is a racist sees me - a successful “articulate”, Black person who happens to know how to code switch on demand, in their mind they probably see ne as “not like other Black people).

Don’t get me wrong, I always “assume positive intent” and I am not at all uncomfortable in spaces where most people think I should be uncomfortable.

Re: What does connecting with someone mean?

#53

Post by squigz »

JustExAWS wrote: post #52
idiotsecant wrote: post #30

Earlier quoted context omitted.

There's little better than helping someone like that expand their understanding of the world and their place in it. In the end, influencing hearts and minds is one of the few things you can do that will have a lasting impact after you're gone.

This is honestly a naive take and probably comes from someone who is not a minority (I am) or someone who didn’t grow up in the south. It reminds me of the vomit inducing DEI training I was forced to endure and the “allyship” BS when I did my stint at BigTech between 2020-2023. There are deeply religious people who sincerely think from decades of growing up being indoctrinated in the church who believe that miscegena…

Out of curiosity, how do you think society should deal with such people?

Re: What does connecting with someone mean?

#54

Post by em-bee »

taneq wrote: post #51
scarface_74 wrote: post #26

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I have no desire to get to know someone who is racist or homophobic. We can disagree on supply side economics or universal healthcare all day long. I don’t owe my energy to get to know assholes.

I don't think this is an unreasonable stance. I guess we're going with downvote=disagree for this one. It's great if you can understand and connect with someone who's fundamentally decent but uninformed/misinformed and so holds some questionable views. I don't know if those views really count as "values" in this sense, though. Values tend to be either innate, or deeply ingrained and mostly immutable. If someone feels…

Values tend to be either innate, or deeply ingrained and mostly immutable

i strongly disagree with that. values are learned, and they can be unlearned. people can change, and someone who kicks puppies can not only be made aware of the pain they are inflicting, and also completely turn around and reject their previous behavior. there is no invisible line that if you'd cross it, you wouldn't be able to turn back from. believing that denies others the power to change themselves.

Re: What does connecting with someone mean?

#55

Post by herval »

inezk wrote: post #3

Great insights. In US people do ask one another "how are you?", perhaps in a shallow way - but I think it's still an opener that can lead to more meaningful conversation. In Poland for instance, where I'm from, people don't ask "how are you?" one another - which slightly limits that opportunity. At the same time Europe as a whole has so much better work life balance which allows for many more outside work friends and…

I worked in Germany for a while, and it was always hilarious when an American would ask a local "how are you?" then proceed to be bombarded about how they're having a headache or how their baby puked all over them yesterday. It's a question that's used almost as a "hello" in the US.

Re: What does connecting with someone mean?

#56

Post by JustExAWS »

em-bee wrote: post #44
idiotsecant wrote: post #30

Earlier quoted context omitted.

There's little better than helping someone like that expand their understanding of the world and their place in it. In the end, influencing hearts and minds is one of the few things you can do that will have a lasting impact after you're gone.

we should all aspire to be a little bit like daryl davis. just a bit. i am not going out of my way to seek out people like that, like he did, but when i discover that one of my friends is leaning into that direction, then i look to daryl davis for inspiration.

Why do I have the feeling you are not a minority, have never been stopped or questioned for being some place you “didn’t belong” or had to tell your six foot 3 step son to make sure that he and his other Black friend (two of five Black guys in the entire school) didn’t walk to the Waffle House to meet their friends after the football game unless their White friend was going with them because they would get harassed by the police?

No I’m not saying “everyone is racist”. But it’s not my responsibility to spend my energy educating racist and to proffer myself as “one of the good ones”.

Re: What does connecting with someone mean?

#57

Post by em-bee »

Notatheist wrote: post #46

If you want to explore connecting with people I can highly recommend social dancing. >People hate small talk because it avoids this I don't believe that. You can connect with someone before you've exchanged names, and you can fail to connect with someone you've shared your life's story with. This is the same mistake autists at my dance school make (including myself). They believe connection demands a rational exchang…

I can highly recommend social dancing

as an introvert who is uncomfortable to expose themselves to much i prefer more formal dancing, that is, where the rules of how to move are predefined and you are all learning those exact moves without having to be creative in any form. (once you learned a couple of traditional dance moves you can take them to somewhere where more creativity is asked for)

Re: What does connecting with someone mean?

#58

Post by JustExAWS »

squigz wrote: post #53
JustExAWS wrote: post #52

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This is honestly a naive take and probably comes from someone who is not a minority (I am) or someone who didn’t grow up in the south. It reminds me of the vomit inducing DEI training I was forced to endure and the “allyship” BS when I did my stint at BigTech between 2020-2023. There are deeply religious people who sincerely think from decades of growing up being indoctrinated in the church who believe that miscegena…

Out of curiosity, how do you think society should deal with such people?

At 51, that’s not my responsibility. We have seen that much of rural America have no desire to get out of their Fox News induced bubble.

It’s even worse than I thought it was before 2020. When Fox News called the election fairly in 2020 and any other time it veers slightly off the Trump bandwagon, even it is punished by the viewers.

It’s just like with religious people (subject change I’m not trying to imply all religious people are racist). I once read about a deeply religious lady who had 7 kids and 6 of them died during a tsunami and she said she was so grateful to God and how good he was for saving one.

You can’t change people’s deeply held beliefs. Sure you might be able to get people to see different about right vs left policy decisions or at least respect your viewpoint. But people’s value systems are about identity and community especially in the rural Bible Belt where their shared culture and since of belonging is based on the church and now the church has based its culture on populism.

Re: What does connecting with someone mean?

#59

Post by squigz »

JustExAWS wrote: post #58
squigz wrote: post #53

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Out of curiosity, how do you think society should deal with such people?

At 51, that’s not my responsibility. We have seen that much of rural America have no desire to get out of their Fox News induced bubble. It’s even worse than I thought it was before 2020. When Fox News called the election fairly in 2020 and any other time it veers slightly off the Trump bandwagon, even it is punished by the viewers. It’s just like with religious people (subject change I’m not trying to imply all reli…

I'm sure the 51 year olds in the population you're referring to don't consider themselves absolved of their responsibility (as they see it)

Maybe the fact that so many people are so willing to entirely wipe their hands of things and write off half the country as racist idiots is contributing more to the problem than churches.

Re: What does connecting with someone mean?

#60

Post by anonymars »

JustExAWS wrote: post #56
em-bee wrote: post #44

Earlier quoted context omitted.

we should all aspire to be a little bit like daryl davis. just a bit. i am not going out of my way to seek out people like that, like he did, but when i discover that one of my friends is leaning into that direction, then i look to daryl davis for inspiration.

Why do I have the feeling you are not a minority, have never been stopped or questioned for being some place you “didn’t belong” or had to tell your six foot 3 step son to make sure that he and his other Black friend (two of five Black guys in the entire school) didn’t walk to the Waffle House to meet their friends after the football game unless their White friend was going with them because they would get harassed b…

The Daryl Davis that was mentioned is a black man who befriended many KKK members and resulted in them giving up their robes

https://www.ted.com/talks/daryl_davis_klan_we_talk

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