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Be a thermostat, not a thermometer (2023)

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Re: Be a thermostat, not a thermometer (2023)

#51

Post by dr_dshiv »

jeffhuys wrote: post #33
deisteve wrote: post #11

Earlier quoted context omitted.

On one hand, I completely agree that deliberate practice and intentional positivity can be powerful tools for growth and skill-building. The 'fake it till you make it' approach can be especially helpful for building confidence and momentum. I think the key is finding that balance between pushing ourselves to grow and being kind to ourselves when we need to rest. It's okay to take a step back, recharge, and prioritize…

I don’t know why and I might be wrong, but (parts of) some of your comments read exactly like an LLM response, while other parts feel like you typing additional stuff “around” the response.

I got the same vibes, fwiw.

Re: Be a thermostat, not a thermometer (2023)

#52

Post by jdthedisciple »

lynx23 wrote: post #46

I am going to be downvoted to hell for this, but... After reading halfway through the article, I had to check the gender of the author. Because, I feel, this is a rather female POV. A lot of what she says feels touchy-feely to me and doesnt resonate with me at all. Maybe because I am way more inerested in the topic of the meeting then the personal feelings and emotions of the participants. To the point where I might…

Nope, you are spot on.

I too noticed pretty quickly that this must be female POV.

You can generally tell even just by the word choices ("spidey senses" American women seem to love that phrase for some reason, "super ", "awry", "weird vibes", ...)

Another instant give-away was "now we've got a compounding situation" - quite a feminine phrasing. Not judging, I mean it sounds almost cute even.

Finally, her idea of "facing each other squarely": a total no-no for men (way too much potenial energy, like two massive electron beams opposing each other), but OK for women.

Re: Be a thermostat, not a thermometer (2023)

#53

Post by voiper1 »

AStonesThrow wrote: post #26

[flagged]

Wow, I read your comment, and the response, then read it again, and I still thought you were intending to be offensive that the author was so bad they couldn't possibly collaborate with people.

Somehow I missed the simpler idea of "Hah, in 2024 I have no face to face with colleagues in anymore!"

Re: Be a thermostat, not a thermometer (2023)

#54

Post by detourdog »

dailykoder wrote: post #40
sethammons wrote: post #23

> You’re being a thermometer. When they’re subtly giving off weird vibes—they’re frowning, answering your questions with fewer words than normal, etc.—you’ve noticed that their temperature is different. And if you are doing this as a coping mechanism from having an unstable parent and you are like me (also maybe a bit of adhd): you internalize the person's chilled behavior and often assume it is your fault. In case y…

I know this and I have learned more than enough about it to internalize it, but it just doesn't work. I can't find a way to stop the automatic jumping to conclusion and self blame. It takes hours to get over it and that's exhausting. I am trying for years to find a way out, but it just hasn't internalized yet

What one has to figure out is where this pattern developed (most likely childhood). Once I can internalize why my emotions develop I experience a distance from the current situation. The distance removes the emotional reaction leaving me with an intellectual understanding.

Re: Be a thermostat, not a thermometer (2023)

#55

Post by xnorswap »

wruza wrote: post #41

What I learned is that that last email didn’t do a good job explaining the changes, so what I plan to do is start a forum for folks to post their questions and our CEO will answer them every Tuesday. I know it’s only an example, but hahahahahahahaha, ha. Start with something realistic if you do that. The worst thing you can do is to teach them you’re a bag of funny promises.

At a former company we once had an away day workshop where they allowed anonymous questions for the company director which would show up on a screen for everyone (it was a ~40-50 person company).

We were a management consultancy and trialling what they thought was cool new tech to use with other companies. ( This was a while ago, smart phones were newer and apps were still "cool" )

Well, they very quickly learned to never do that again. Even in a small company there were a lot of tensions unresolved between the lowest and highest rungs. It was a fairly formal hierarchical structure where the common worker didn't tend to ever interact with the big boss.

"Where's the pay rise we were promised last year?" was perhaps the mildest of the embarrassment, and it quickly devolved from there.

Re: Be a thermostat, not a thermometer (2023)

#56

Post by detourdog »

andruby wrote: post #45
dailykoder wrote: post #40

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I know this and I have learned more than enough about it to internalize it, but it just doesn't work. I can't find a way to stop the automatic jumping to conclusion and self blame. It takes hours to get over it and that's exhausting. I am trying for years to find a way out, but it just hasn't internalized yet

Any tips for the person on the other side? I often mention something without implying blame (or even assuming blame), but it’s still processed that way. I’m trying to be conscious of this though.

If this is a consistent person in your life or a partner. The communication has to improve. Improving communication maybe impossible but I think it’s the only way.

Re: Be a thermostat, not a thermometer (2023)

#57

Post by detourdog »

gleenn wrote: post #43
8n4vidtmkvmk wrote: post #16

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You'd better follow through and do the thing you said though. If you start saying things when people are riled up and then don't do it... They're going to notice.

I agree, when you say you're going to do something then obviously you should also do what you say and say what you do. But my guess is even just saying I learned you don't feel heard about xyz and I will try to pay more attention to you your concerns when you're talking about xyz shouldn't be hard to commit to if you care at all about whomever you're talking to. Hopefully they are a bit disarmed and realize you're tr…

There is also a class of people that will always provide reason or task that is the issue. The list of problems will never end and they will never be satisfied.

Some people would rather complain then reflect on their inner workings.

Re: Be a thermostat, not a thermometer (2023)

#58

Post by theultdev »

darby_nine wrote: post #32
theultdev wrote: post #12

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I didn't say suppress or fake your emotions, I said to rationalize them. If they are irrational you prevent the emotional knee-jerk response in the first place. If they are rational then you know the root cause to work through so you can fix the issue. For those rational emotional responses, recognizing the stimuli can still be helpful. It's still stressing, but you know the exact problem and can work to resolve it,…

I don't see how recognizing an emotion as irrational gives you certainty of calming it. Generally speaking, emotions don't arise from a conveniently rational level of consciousness. If they did they would be referred to with terms ofther than "emotion".

> I don't see how recognizing an emotion as irrational gives you certainty of calming it

When you realize it's an irrational reaction you automatically reprocess the stimuli and get a rational reaction.

Let's say someone close to you is unusually quiet and short with you. You irrationally think they are mad at you or ignoring you because they are being short. That makes you feel mad because you didn't do anything to them! Upon receiving the feeling you start rationalizing the response and realize that you have no evidence that they are mad at you and there are many times you don't want to talk. You then simply ask them if anything's wrong and they say they have a headache! Whew, it wasn't about you at all, it was just a headache! You then empathize with them and want to help so you ask if you can get them some advil and know not to be loud or talk too much until they start feeling better (acting normally)

> Generally speaking, emotions don't arise from a conveniently rational level of consciousness.

What makes you say that? Emotions commonly arise from rational thought. There are rational reasons to be mad/happy/sad/etc.

But what I'm suggesting though is the opposite, to make it a habit upon receiving every powerful emotional to verify it with rational thought.

Re: Be a thermostat, not a thermometer (2023)

#59

Post by b3lvedere »

xnorswap wrote: post #55
wruza wrote: post #41

What I learned is that that last email didn’t do a good job explaining the changes, so what I plan to do is start a forum for folks to post their questions and our CEO will answer them every Tuesday. I know it’s only an example, but hahahahahahahaha, ha. Start with something realistic if you do that. The worst thing you can do is to teach them you’re a bag of funny promises.

At a former company we once had an away day workshop where they allowed anonymous questions for the company director which would show up on a screen for everyone (it was a ~40-50 person company). We were a management consultancy and trialling what they thought was cool new tech to use with other companies. ( This was a while ago, smart phones were newer and apps were still "cool" ) Well, they very quickly learned to…

Ooh, some lifetimes ago at a company we had a CEO that did a company wide presentation where he kept mentioning that the shareholders are the most important thing of the entire company and we all should do everything to please the shareholders. The instant hate towards him could almost be touched and tasted.

Re: Be a thermostat, not a thermometer (2023)

#60

Post by detourdog »

jdthedisciple wrote: post #52
lynx23 wrote: post #46

I am going to be downvoted to hell for this, but... After reading halfway through the article, I had to check the gender of the author. Because, I feel, this is a rather female POV. A lot of what she says feels touchy-feely to me and doesnt resonate with me at all. Maybe because I am way more inerested in the topic of the meeting then the personal feelings and emotions of the participants. To the point where I might…

Nope, you are spot on. I too noticed pretty quickly that this must be female POV. You can generally tell even just by the word choices ("spidey senses" American women seem to love that phrase for some reason, "super ", "awry", "weird vibes", ...) Another instant give-away was "now we've got a compounding situation" - quite a feminine phrasing. Not judging, I mean it sounds almost cute even. Finally, her idea of "faci…

Your comment makes me question my masculinity. I would say the desire to communicate and the feelings expressed were feminine. Noee of the phrases you mentioned did I see as clues to gender.
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