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People that think you’re an asshole

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Re: People that think you’re an asshole

#51

Post by bonoboTP »

dunmalg wrote: post #39
bonoboTP wrote: post #18

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's a great "mind-bown" insight story, but just not true. People do judge each other and have opinions and put them in little mental boxes all the time. Impressions matter and can make or break your life. For example, anyone who used to be fat and then loses weight can attest that it matters what others think of you and they do think things. It's comfortable and uplifting and "wise" to say that nobody cares but they…

>It's a great "mind-blown" insight story, but just not true. People do judge each other and have opinions and put them in little mental boxes all the time Yes, we all understand that people stereotype. I think you're getting bogged down in the details and missing the overall point, which is far more generalized. The above story is meant to be short and clever, and to do so it glosses over a few things that you're mea…

For sure. You are the protagonist of your own movie but a supporting role in other people's or even just an extra.

If you think people think about you all the time, then you benefit from the message of this story about the 20, 40, 60 year olds.

But don't take it too literally. It matters how you present yourself and what impressions you leave.

The good news is, you have to be really really bad to leave a long lasting bad impression (except if you personally screw someone over or cheat against them even in minor ways - people tend to remember that) and failed but honest attempts to get ahead don't tend to compound, but success does compound. Meaning it's worth playing a numbers game and diversifying your potential outcomes. A good impression can lead to a lot of value for years to come, a bad impression often simply means you can try again elsewhere with added experience.

Re: People that think you’re an asshole

#52

Post by mkl95 »

sirsinsalot wrote: post #44
mkl95 wrote: post #36

During my life (especially school years but also early in my career) I have found that people who come across as thinking I am an asshole don't really think I am an asshole. In each and every case these people were relatively underprivileged and could be described as underachievers. In some cases these people had more money than me, or they had more academic achievements, etc., so their feelings can't just be describ…

You somehow managed to turn other people's dislike of you in to dismissal and insult. It isn't an observation, it is a protection mechanism you have to avoid introspection because maybe ... just maybe ... you are an arsehole.

I might as well do what I want anyway :-)

Re: People that think you’re an asshole

#53

Post by mehagar »

I feel a strong need to be accepted by other people, and one of the ways that I meet that need is by considering how my actions ("taking the leap") might affect others. Sometimes, though, I place more value on others' needs than my own. This can lead to sadness that I'm not able to do what I want.

This author seems like he wants to overcome this fear of how others may respond, and do the thing anyway. I'm reminded of the stages of emotional liberation:

First stage: Emotional slavery: we see ourselves responsible for others’ feelings.

Second stage: “Obnoxious”: we feel angry; we no longer want to be responsible for others’ feelings.

Third stage: Emotional liberation: we take responsibility for our intentions and actions.

[1] - https://about-nvc.tumblr.com/post/98642157391/from-emotional...

Re: People that think you’re an asshole

#54

Post by Bakary »

ambivalents wrote: post #29
Bakary wrote: post #24

One key insight about social relationships that took me a while to understand is that people respond mainly to whether you are life-affirming in your behavior or not. If you have things going on in your life and aren't afraid to exist as a person, they will naturally gravitate to you and give you a lot of leeway. Being a nice person or an asshole is orthogonal to the issue: they are just facets that may help or hinde…

I'd love to know more what you mean by 'life-affirming.' Based on context, sounds like you mean, be an authentic person, don't sugar coat things, be imperfect, show vulnerabilities. Is that right? I find myself drawn to these types--they may have asshole-ish moments or nice moments. That doesn't matter as much as my personal connection to them, the sense of whether I am rooting for them or not.

I would define it as a positive feedback loop that is a mix of authenticity, energy, personality, desire, boldness, desire and will. There is perhaps a better word for it, but generally a person that exemplifies some of the strongest characteristics of human life as instinctively recognized by humans themselves.

As a corollary, such people tend to be naturally charismatic, but I would venture that this is a direct consequence of their other traits. One arresting definition of charisma I have heard is that it is a measure of how much you can delineate yourself as an entity in the world and how you can use that to affect reality. Life-affirmation and a zest for living draw directly into that.

Note that I don't necessarily include intellectual brilliance in the equation, though it obviously helps.

Re: People that think you’re an asshole

#55

Post by jjj123 »

pashsdk27 wrote: post #15
wombatmobile wrote: post #9

It is good to not care what people think about you. And bad to act like an asshole. If you act nice, and don't care what people think about you, you can't lose, and most people will like to have you around. Assholes might still annoy you, but when that happens, your friends will help you to feel better.

It's hard to be nice when you feel that the others are exploiting you in some way. Even if you can empathize with their situation, sometimes you cannot sympathize enough to put their well being over your own (mainly in cases where the absolute difference between the relative importance of their needs to your own, in your opinion as per your beliefs, is small). Well, I'm an antisocial shut-in so maybe this is a fringe…

Being nice doesn’t mean putting their well being over yours. You can still set boundaries around what you’re willing to do for someone without being an ass about it.

Re: People that think you’re an asshole

#56

Post by buckminster »

dunmalg wrote: post #39
bonoboTP wrote: post #18

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's a great "mind-bown" insight story, but just not true. People do judge each other and have opinions and put them in little mental boxes all the time. Impressions matter and can make or break your life. For example, anyone who used to be fat and then loses weight can attest that it matters what others think of you and they do think things. It's comfortable and uplifting and "wise" to say that nobody cares but they…

>It's a great "mind-blown" insight story, but just not true. People do judge each other and have opinions and put them in little mental boxes all the time Yes, we all understand that people stereotype. I think you're getting bogged down in the details and missing the overall point, which is far more generalized. The above story is meant to be short and clever, and to do so it glosses over a few things that you're mea…

Maybe they are all right. The twenty year olds think their peers are judgmental because they are judgmental. And so on.

Re: People that think you’re an asshole

#57

Post by bonoboTP »

buckminster wrote: post #56
dunmalg wrote: post #39

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>It's a great "mind-blown" insight story, but just not true. People do judge each other and have opinions and put them in little mental boxes all the time Yes, we all understand that people stereotype. I think you're getting bogged down in the details and missing the overall point, which is far more generalized. The above story is meant to be short and clever, and to do so it glosses over a few things that you're mea…

Maybe they are all right. The twenty year olds think their peers are judgmental because they are judgmental. And so on.

Yeah I think part of it is the attitude/illusion that the stakes used to be were lower earlier in life. Like, "oh how cute, they are sweating so much about petty things like teenage love and fitting in cliques, if only they knew how much it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things"

But it does matter a lot in those years. Teens are correct in their assessment that fitting in is important. At least in some group. Doesn't have to be the "popular kids". As you grow up, achievements and status become more manifest, it's not so much about pretenses. Things are now more cemented and move slower. You have this or that profession with a certain status. You live in a good or a bad neighborhood, move in fancy or non fancy circles, can afford traveling or not, and so on. By contrast in your teens and early adulthood, all you have is how you perform in social interaction. Later you're like "maybe I'm awkward but I'm a surgeon and you're a fast food worker".

And when you're 60, the status fights are mostly over, you're living off of what you achieved earlier. So you think it was useless because now you have little to lose in future potential. You mostly have your familial and friendship situation cemented for the rest of your life, usually no more worry about who will marry you, whether you can be promoted high, whether your kids turn out good etc. Typically 60+ year olds don't have to prove themselves in the moment any more, they just ride on the past.

Re: People that think you’re an asshole

#58

Post by kubanczyk »

VoodooJuJu wrote: post #27
BayAreaEscapee wrote: post #5

When you're twenty, you worry about what people think. When you're forty, you don't care what people think. And when you're sixty, you realize that nobody was thinking about you in the first place.

I mostly understand this, but it doesn't go deep enough. Sure, I don't worry about what people consciously think of me, like "Does he think I'm incompetent because of that mistake I made? Does she like the way I'm dressed?". I'm more concerned with what they're not thinking, or rather the biases they may be unconsciously harboring about myself or others. Look at this [1], from a study on the relation of criminal sent…

> Completely absurd.

Where it matters, people and organizations are able to overcome bias. We got a square-jaw man to the moon, but the rocket itself was not designed by a square-jaw men.

The key phrase: where it matters.

Re: People that think you’re an asshole

#59

Post by wombatmobile »

pashsdk27 wrote: post #15
wombatmobile wrote: post #9

It is good to not care what people think about you. And bad to act like an asshole. If you act nice, and don't care what people think about you, you can't lose, and most people will like to have you around. Assholes might still annoy you, but when that happens, your friends will help you to feel better.

It's hard to be nice when you feel that the others are exploiting you in some way. Even if you can empathize with their situation, sometimes you cannot sympathize enough to put their well being over your own (mainly in cases where the absolute difference between the relative importance of their needs to your own, in your opinion as per your beliefs, is small). Well, I'm an antisocial shut-in so maybe this is a fringe…

Give Marisa Peer a try, my friend

How to avoid rejection and get connection https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zeDt9dgFXFk

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