Sperm-Donor Siblings: A Family Portrait

It's worked out really well for us, our kids got half siblings (again more like cousins), some extra sets of doting grandparents etc etc

As modern families shrink, with 1 or 2 kids we don't have as many relatives (it's a power series sort of thing) extended families shrink, we got to enlarge ours. Usually you only get one chance in life to choose who your relatives are, we found a second.

First of all, it introduces disorder into society. Family relations are thrown into chaos. Incest and inbreeding become bigger problems. Furthermore, half of the extended family disappear. You've only got the mother's family now. You deprive the child of her family network and a relationship with her father.

Second, it prioritizes the woman's desires over the child's good. The woman in question does this because she either can't find a husband or doesn't want to. She isn't adopting a child that already exists and needs a parent (better one than none). She's causing a new child to come into being because she wants it, full stop. Never mind the good of the child, that single motherhood is strongly correlated with various problems. Some would go so far as to say that the child is objectified in this way. You could say the same thing about the man who becomes nothing but a sperm machine. Mutual consent does not magically bless the act.

Third, it does not leverage sexual selection. Both sexes play a role here. Sexual selection tends to maximize health and favorable conditions for the child and contributes to a reproduction of those factors genetically and culturally. Sperm donation subverts this process.

Fourth, it strains and poisons relations between the sexes which exist, at least in part, for the reproduction of the species and subsequent formation of those children into mature adults. Until very recently, this was the overwhelmingly typical case across human civilizations and societies.

I do not think it is helpful to play the game of describing hard won traditional norms and relations, which characterize the typical case across human civilizations historically, as merely "conventional". It comes from a place of dismissive and frankly self-destructive hyperindividualism that waves away human nature as meaningless. Under the influence of influential yet unscientific and irrational ideologies, everything under the sun is increasingly described as a social construct. This is dangerous. It spreads falsehoods. It alienates man from himself and uncharitably enables delusions.

open identity donors, recipient families and children, and the studies behind identity release (or the lack thereof) all overwhelmingly point towards open donations as being a positive. anonymous only when you have no choice. a lot of groups out there exist - and books and more - that can help you navigate when to have the talk and how to have it.

as we are both biological parents to our children, i can’t tell you exactly how it goes, but we are surrounded by so many solo parents and queer parents that used donors and surrogates. everyone has a beautiful, loving family in their own right and these kids grow up normalizing this as part of themselves even from toddlerhood. there are struggles, but if you think parenthood is for you, then you should do it. good luck!

edit: just wanted to add, that some sperm banks are not made equal......... big ones like california cryobank and xytex tend to have much higher family limits and more restrictions than smaller progressive ones like sperm bank of california. if the idea of having 30 half-siblings is unbelievable - banks like sperm bank of ca have 10 family limits and track closely. you can help narrow things down for your future kids just with the bank (or program) you pick.