Combining finances

Amongst my social group your approach is relatively unusual. A sizable fraction of adults can’t be bothered to form a budget and do bookkeeping. This always surprises me, but it seems to be true. You can’t really have an allowance system without some amount of tracking/budgeting.

Of course, most couples in my social circle are extremely wealthy by non-Bay Area standards, so that gives people a lot less direct incentive to be especially thrifty.

My parents, and my marriage, have a different system: we ask ourselves about every purchase if it’s likely to bring us as much joy as we feel the money is worth, and just don’t buy that much stuff because most things don’t seem like they’d bring us enough joy to be worth the outlay.

Then, when we want something expensive, and say “yes, a new couch will bring me joy even if it doesn’t bring you much joy”, we don’t worry about the cost all that much.

But having a non-scarcity mentality about this sort of thing is obviously a super privileged position to be in. When my father remarried, he tried this system with my stepmother and she... spent all their money on frivolities they couldn’t afford, and now he’s retired and barely has any savings.

So I don’t really recommend this system unless you and your partner have reasonably similar utility functions.

You mean the actual statistics that show that lottery winners’ happiness is enormously improved by their windfall over the long term, and they make sensible investments in their future?

Or the outliers who blow all the money on silly things and make the news but aren’t actually at all representative?

My partner is what some might call a trust fund baby. Her family is fortunate enough that she need not work. She will likely receive a sizable inheritance. Her parents have shielded her from their wealth, while making sure she always has enough to be comfortable. Neither of us knows how much wealth her family holds. They are very discrete.

I come from a middle class family that spent their money and saved poorly. I took loans out to go to college. I’ve worked my way up in my career in tech and now make a comfortable salary.

This puts us in a situation I feel like this article doesn’t really cover. She doesn’t have a “salary”, but she “makes” more money than I do - however much she needs. I do not plan around her family’s wealth. That is her family’s money, and if/until we ever decide to start our own family, I do not involve myself in their affairs.

What we’ve found works for us, is simply a joint credit card. We put shared expenses on it and split it at the end of the month. We use our shared points on vacations we spend together. It is a way of treating each other as equals, and helps prevent either of us feeling taking advantage of. I maintain my own savings and retirement account. She maintains her own investments. I spend my money however I want and have my own personal card, and her the same.

If I was out a job, she would support me. If her investments tank or her money were cut off, I would support her. It’s rather simple.

The tension we face actually comes from her wealth rather than our lack of it. There are times where she would happily use her wealth as an expression of love. I would never be ok with her father buying us a home. She doesn't understand why not - I was raised to value my own financial independence. I would never feel comfortable living in a home that I did not earn.

How do couples in other similar situations handle this?

"My" approach is just the chip-in. The allowance system is what I ASSUME most people use (the one the article is advocating). I'm surprised the author thinks it's novel.

I agree on budgeting and bookkeeping. Frankly, we do neither. I buy a bigass TV because I want it, my wife buys some awesome workout gear because she wants it. It just works. But yes, it's a position of luxury to not have to budget.

My relationship is the same. I make a lot of money, and there's not much I want. I get a lot of joy out of watching my wife get things she wants though (which almost always makes my life better in ways I don't always expect).

Certainly when we made less money we had to coordinate much more.