Seth Priebatsch: Get a life

"nobody lays on their deathbed wishing they would have spent _less_ time with their family"

I keep seeing this idea repeated time after time, yet I've never seen any formal study of this issue. I know this idea has been asserted by some people with very large followings. Stephen Covey, in his book "The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective People" asserts nearly the identical sentiment that you've expressed here.

All I can say is, from what I've seen, this is just one of those things that varies a great deal from one family to another, and from one person to another. I know that both my mother and my father keenly felt the strain of having children, and both of them wished they'd had more time and money to advance their careers. My dad was lucky enough to be successful as a commercial photographer, but increasingly after he turned 50 he wondered why he never broke through to the top ranks of photography. He made good money but he never became famous. He thought, not unreasonably, that if he had less demands from his family, then he might have more money and energy to reach the top ranks of his field. When he was in his 70s he made several attempts to get into the top galleries in New York City, but he only had one small success in that regard. He died of cancer at the age of 79. Since I stayed with him every day during the last month of his life, I can tell you without a doubt that when he was on his deathbed he did wish that he had had more time for his career - a tradeoff that could only have been purchased by him spending less time with his family.

From what I can see, my dad is hardly an isolated case. When I talk to my friends, and to people older than myself, what I hear, again and again, is disappointment. Many people, perhaps most people, feel that they have somehow failed to live up to their true potential. At least among my friends, most feel that having kids has imposed a heavy sacrifice on them. I can not think of a single one of my friends who hasn't thought, at some point, that they might be much more successful if they did not have kids.

More than that, not everyone is happy with their family life. If you suggest that family life is always rewarding, in a country where 45% of all marriages end in divorce (I'm using the USA as an example here) then you are simply in denial of reality.

I think this is an issue that at least deserves a frank, honest discussion, especially on a forum like Hacker News, where we all expect honesty regarding the tradeoffs of the entrepreneurial life. This is not the right place for sentimental nonsense about the joyous wonders of family. This is a place for bluntness and honesty.

Your attitude about "buy enough downvotes to make this comment disappear forever" is really worrisome.

"Because your comment reeks of "startup romanticism", not startup practice."

Surely you realize that I could make the same kind of assertion about what you have written? I could write: "You comment reeks of sentimental notions about family life, not the actual reality of family life."

If you want to argue that all people, everywhere, enjoy their families then you are simply in denial of reality.

If you want to deny the fact that some people are deeply bitter about the sacrifices they have made for their children, then you are simply running away from the truth.

As for the startup romanticism that you mention, I've been working with startups since 2002, which is long enough to have some idea about what habits work over the long term, and what habits do not work over the long term. From what I've seen, it is a bad idea to have a child during the first 2 or 3 years of a startup. You can have kids before then, or after then, but not right during the most intense phase of the startup.

Finding the maximum sustainable pace is a huge competitive advantage most companies don't have.

This is a fantastic post. I have found that at moments with friends and family when the happy platitudes are stripped away, whether through drunkenness, circumstance, or just plain frank discussion - this is the sentiment that often shows itself.

Kudos and thank you for this, lkrubner.