Marriage Costs in China Are Out of Control • Hacker News Board

Re: Marriage Costs in China Are Out of Control

#51

Post by lifeisstillgood » Sun, Sep 30, 2018, 11:37 AM UTC

logicchains wrote: post #15

amrx431 wrote: post #12

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Same shit is happening in India. If you dont have a H1B and never worked in US, good luck finding a girl. I am 27 right now and that too a low caste. I am seriously contemplating giving up hopes of marriage and remaining single. Will be tough as I dont have a family. All my family members were killed when I was young. I have stopped bothering and now just bury myself in work and reading to avoid the darkness.

Don't give up hope. If India is anything like China, independent, educated young people are much more likely to make marriage decisions for love rather than money. The key thing to realise is that, if someone will only marry you for your financial status rather than love they'll probably be a terrible spouse, and similarly if they'd let their parents make their marriage decision for them they're also probably not the…

Possibly some of the best life advice in three paragraphs I have seen

Re: Marriage Costs in China Are Out of Control

#52

Post by lotsofpulp » Sun, Sep 30, 2018, 11:46 AM UTC

williamdclt wrote: post #36

puranjay wrote: post #28

I would like to see an equivalent study on Indian weddings. All the people I know who got married recently spent between $50-$100k on their wedding. My own wedding was about $50k. Food alone was nearly $20k (over 1200 guests were invited - which was on the low end)

Genuine question: how is it possible to invite 1200 people? I can't imagine that you and your partner know 600 people each, I'd have a hard time finding 100 people to invite if I needed too

It’s not so important about who the groom and bride knows, it’s more about everyone the groom and bride’s parents and grandparents know also.

It’s more of a “bring the whole tribe together” affair, but only makes sense in villages when food and labor was cheap. But that was within the grandparents’ and parents’ lifetimes so it still lingers around, only now it’s a status symbol to show how well you’ve made it, and of course, some (most?) people choose to over extend themselves and choose to show off to the tribe rather than invest in their own future. Especially since the “tribe” is further and further away from the original rural villages which were geographically next to each other.

The new tribes are split along educational and wealth boundaries, so anyone who thinks wasting money entertaining the tribe will help keep them in it is sorely mistaken.

Re: Marriage Costs in China Are Out of Control

#53

Post by murukesh_s » Sun, Sep 30, 2018, 11:51 AM UTC

williamdclt wrote: post #36

puranjay wrote: post #28

I would like to see an equivalent study on Indian weddings. All the people I know who got married recently spent between $50-$100k on their wedding. My own wedding was about $50k. Food alone was nearly $20k (over 1200 guests were invited - which was on the low end)

Genuine question: how is it possible to invite 1200 people? I can't imagine that you and your partner know 600 people each, I'd have a hard time finding 100 people to invite if I needed too

Oh easy, I just attended a wedding reception where over 2500 were invited. It was one of the biggest I have seen but 1000 is normal. My father had 10 siblings and my mother 6. You got to invite all their relatives, kids and your own friends, you can easily cross 1000. I guess its the huge population in India and China.

Re: Marriage Costs in China Are Out of Control

#54

Post by hesarenu » Sun, Sep 30, 2018, 11:56 AM UTC

williamdclt wrote: post #36

puranjay wrote: post #28

I would like to see an equivalent study on Indian weddings. All the people I know who got married recently spent between $50-$100k on their wedding. My own wedding was about $50k. Food alone was nearly $20k (over 1200 guests were invited - which was on the low end)

Genuine question: how is it possible to invite 1200 people? I can't imagine that you and your partner know 600 people each, I'd have a hard time finding 100 people to invite if I needed too

I am been involved in 4 marriages including myself where the total guest list neared 600. You would need to invite your siblings families if they are married. Then your father's and mother's family. Their extended family. Your grandfather grandmother's family. Their extended family. Your neighbors, office guys, friends. Both groom and bride and you would have a number near to 600.

Re: Marriage Costs in China Are Out of Control

#55

Post by blfr » Sun, Sep 30, 2018, 11:57 AM UTC

A good start would be a law that ensures a woman’s claim on marital property in the case of a divorce. Current Chinese law makes no such provision, and thus provides a strong disincentive to marry and a very powerful incentive to charge higher bride prices.

We have laws like this in Europe. Marriages keep happening later and TFRs keep plummeting. Why would it work any different in China.

Journalists always push their prefferred policies even when there's no proof they solve the very clearly stated problem. Subsidize kindergartens! Mandatory, paid maternal leaves! All while populations that implemented them keep collapsing.

Re: Marriage Costs in China Are Out of Control

#56

Post by liftbigweights » Sun, Sep 30, 2018, 11:57 AM UTC

hkai wrote: post #2

I am planning to hopefully marry my girlfriend in the next couple of years and her parents are already asking for "at least a small amount like 10,000 USD", because "I'm white anyway", meaning I must be rich. Taking into account all the abuse she had to take from them, and their lazy and useless way of life, they're not getting a penny from me. Many people though feel powerless to resist and ruin themselves financial…

> Taking into account all the abuse she had to take from them, and their lazy and useless way of life, they're not getting a penny from me.

Then why are you planning to marry "into the family" if you have such a low opinion of them?

> Many people though feel powerless to resist and ruin themselves financially by paying it.

If $10K is going to ruin you financially, you shouldn't be marrying anyone. Not that I agree with the dowry custom, but $10K isn't that much money.

Just because you are lonely or feel like the girl you have is the only one you could get isn't reason to get married. Despite what you think now, parents/siblings/family matter. Money matters. And the longer you are married, the more important family and money becomes. Don't get married out of naivety or desperation.

Re: Marriage Costs in China Are Out of Control

#57

Post by liftbigweights » Sun, Sep 30, 2018, 12:08 PM UTC

blfr wrote: post #55

A good start would be a law that ensures a woman’s claim on marital property in the case of a divorce. Current Chinese law makes no such provision, and thus provides a strong disincentive to marry and a very powerful incentive to charge higher bride prices. We have laws like this in Europe. Marriages keep happening later and TFRs keep plummeting. Why would it work any different in China. Journalists always push their…

Another false trope pushed by everyone...

"Women are marrying later and having less kids because of career concerns, lack of maternity leave and child benefits."

The countries with the best maternity leave and child benefits have the oldest marriage and lowest birth rates.

And japan, where most women give up their jobs once married to start families and where the government pays women to have children have one of the lowest birth rates in the world.

So it's not career/jobs, it's not maternity leave, it's not child benefits. Could it be societal? Media? Education?

Re: Marriage Costs in China Are Out of Control

#58

Post by chrisseaton » Sun, Sep 30, 2018, 12:08 PM UTC

williamdclt wrote: post #36

puranjay wrote: post #28

I would like to see an equivalent study on Indian weddings. All the people I know who got married recently spent between $50-$100k on their wedding. My own wedding was about $50k. Food alone was nearly $20k (over 1200 guests were invited - which was on the low end)

Genuine question: how is it possible to invite 1200 people? I can't imagine that you and your partner know 600 people each, I'd have a hard time finding 100 people to invite if I needed too

In many cultures (including western ones, like the UK) the wedding is a party thrown by the parents of the bride, not by the couple. So the parents of the bride will invite all their friends, as well as the couple's friends. The older parents will have a much larger social circle, due to being older.

Re: Marriage Costs in China Are Out of Control

#59

Post by [deleted] » Sun, Sep 30, 2018, 12:08 PM UTC

williamdclt wrote: post #36

puranjay wrote: post #28

I would like to see an equivalent study on Indian weddings. All the people I know who got married recently spent between $50-$100k on their wedding. My own wedding was about $50k. Food alone was nearly $20k (over 1200 guests were invited - which was on the low end)

Genuine question: how is it possible to invite 1200 people? I can't imagine that you and your partner know 600 people each, I'd have a hard time finding 100 people to invite if I needed too

[deleted]

Re: Marriage Costs in China Are Out of Control

#60

Post by coldtea » Sun, Sep 30, 2018, 12:10 PM UTC

hkai wrote: post #2

I am planning to hopefully marry my girlfriend in the next couple of years and her parents are already asking for "at least a small amount like 10,000 USD", because "I'm white anyway", meaning I must be rich. Taking into account all the abuse she had to take from them, and their lazy and useless way of life, they're not getting a penny from me. Many people though feel powerless to resist and ruin themselves financial…

>and their lazy and useless way of life

Is that against some particular to them "lazy and useless way of life" they follow, or because their way of life doesn't match some american ideal (e.g. personal ambition and protestant-work-ethic), and thus it's "lazy and useless" because its different?