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How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

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Re: How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

#51

Post by Eduardo3rd »

I very much enjoyed Part 2 of this article. It puts forward a much more complete framework for success than part one, which mostly just talks about the flaws in many standard approaches.

The notion that you are going to find the perfect person for the rest of your life at any given moment in time is ridiculous - you are going to change, they are going to change, your relationship is going to change both of you. The sense of friendship, being at home with one another, and the mindset that a marriage takes work have all been instrumental in my own marriage so far.

My wife and I met in our early 20s. The things we wanted out of life - both individually and as a couple - have changed significantly over the past decade. It is likely that if either of us had known where we would end up we might not have chosen our past selves to be together with our future selves. However, we've been a part of every individual and collective change and have worked to build a strong relationship through the changes. There is something amazing about walking through adulthood together and staying committed through all of the ups and downs.

Re: How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

#52

Post by qbrass »

twic wrote: post #12

The article attempts to presents a framework for making this decision rationally, but ultimately, it's the heart that chooses between FreeBSD and OpenBSD.

Nah, the heart chooses OpenBSD, but you stick with FreeBSD out of convenience.

The real tragedy is NetBSD being forever alone.

Re: How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

#53

Post by tluyben2 »

jogjayr wrote: post #41
iopuy wrote: post #18

Earlier quoted context omitted.

And when you choose a life partner, you’re choosing a lot of things, including your parenting partner and someone who will deeply influence your children... It actually really bugged me how having children was a forgone conclusion in this article.

Most marriages result in children. Most people want to have children. It's not an unreasonable assumption to make that most people who read the article will fall into that camp.

> Most people want to have children.

How do you know? My friends who did have kids had intricate dynamics around that where 'want to have' was not really a big part of the equation. Pressure, religion, 'that is what you do', 'my spouse wants to', 'maybe now life gets better' etc are often part of the equation. For the 'want to have' you will need to look inside people's heads.

Re: How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

#54

Post by overcast »

greekyogurt21 wrote: post #50
overcast wrote: post #42

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I can’t share my life with someone, and not be married?

The hell are you talking about

I'm trying to understand what the act of being married, has to do with sharing your life with someone at any age. You can't be with someone, share you life together, and not be married?

Re: How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

#55

Post by _jk04 »

djohnston wrote: post #15

im in the honeymoon phase right now. sometimes i get sad thinking about the transience of this phase of the relationship. obviously i shouldn't fixate on that, but it's like this creeping twilight that i wish i could just stave off forever. anyone have tips on doing this?

> anyone have tips on doing this?

It really depends a lot on the relationship. For my wife and I it's really been effortless, though I'm not sure how long the "honeymoon phase" is meant to last. We're only coming on our second anniversary.

The best advice I've ever heard is that your partner should be your best friend. They should be the easiest person to talk to. When something good happens and you want to share it or something bad happens and you need to talk about it, they should be the first one you think of. You shouldn't feel drained by spending time with them (despite normally being an introvert, I don't find myself needing "alone time" where my wife is concerned). You should be able to be happy for no other reason than that they're happy. You should be able to put their happiness before your own when it's important (though you shouldn't tolerate an abusive relationship). You should always put them before anyone else. You should never lie to them, or feel the need to.

Re: How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

#56

Post by howlinabout »

djohnston wrote: post #15

im in the honeymoon phase right now. sometimes i get sad thinking about the transience of this phase of the relationship. obviously i shouldn't fixate on that, but it's like this creeping twilight that i wish i could just stave off forever. anyone have tips on doing this?

My tip is to embrace the fact there's going to be an end of the honeymoon phase. You want things to change. Being in the honeymoon phase forever means your relationship isn't developing. Maybe your honeymoon phase will just be followed by a party phase or something, but my guess is it will go into another phase.

Good relationships won't necessarily always be easy or pleasant. They're sort of an increasing random walk, like the stock market or something.

I've been with the same person for 16 years now. It's honestly been extremely rewarding, but in a way I couldn't have anticipated when it started, or even a few years into it.

My sense is that success in relationships basically come down to two people being a good match (physically and psychologically), both being committed, both communicating, and randomness.

Re: How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

#57

Post by bllguo »

bananabill wrote: post #23
iopuy wrote: post #18

Earlier quoted context omitted.

And when you choose a life partner, you’re choosing a lot of things, including your parenting partner and someone who will deeply influence your children... It actually really bugged me how having children was a forgone conclusion in this article.

Unfortunately most people are still stuck in the mindset that everyone who isn't broken inside wants children. I've never wanted children at any point in my life, but I'm wrong apparently.

But from a biological/evolutionary/whatever perspective, isn't not wanting children definitely "wrong"?

Re: How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

#58

Post by taco_emoji »

peterwwillis wrote: post #17

> But good old society frowns upon that, and people are often still timid to say they met their spouse on a dating site. The respectable way to meet a life partner is by dumb luck, by bumping into them randomly or being introduced to them from within your little pool. Well, yeah. This is how social networks work: similar people group together, people socialize within that group, and they match with people who they ar…

There's a implicit, insipid value judgement in your first thesis. That someone's social network is small does not make it "poor", nor does it mean that they're bad at socializing. That a stigma exists for some reason you can identify does not make it a good reason.

> There is currently no online service that can correctly predict if someone will enjoy your physical presence.

I mean, no shit? That's why you go on dates and try people out just like meeting them any other way.

> If online dating really worked you would only have to go on three dates before you met a perfect partner.

Perhaps I'm missing something but I'm not really sure why that should be true at all.

Re: How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

#59

Post by tomgp »

fizixer wrote: post #46

Marriage, monogamy, and (romantic) love are conservative notions that are close to being (or should be) marginalized in my opinion. Romantic love, especially, is an extremely superficial and hollow idea exalted to high heavens by the group-think of the masses. I gave up religion, and over the years realized that love is the second, way more sneaky and no less damaging, delusion that humanity indulges in. It has to go…

The most hacker-news comment ever

Re: How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

#60

Post by wnissen »

tluyben2 wrote: post #53
jogjayr wrote: post #41

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Most marriages result in children. Most people want to have children. It's not an unreasonable assumption to make that most people who read the article will fall into that camp.

> Most people want to have children. How do you know? My friends who did have kids had intricate dynamics around that where 'want to have' was not really a big part of the equation. Pressure, religion, 'that is what you do', 'my spouse wants to', 'maybe now life gets better' etc are often part of the equation. For the 'want to have' you will need to look inside people's heads.

85% of women have children at some point in their lives. This is just a fact. You may know that you're not having kids, but the vast, vast majority of people don't make that choice.
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