Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

How Sharing a Bed Changed My Sleep

thedurkweb.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

51–60 of 103 posts

Re: How Sharing a Bed Changed My Sleep

#51

Post by pavel_lishin »

codingdave wrote: post #2

Welcome to the little-discussed world of adult sleeping arrangements, where many couples secretly don't sleep next to each other. We don't talk about it much because those who do sleep next to each other think that our relationships must be horribly broken, and we don't feel the need to justify our choices, or get into details of the logistics of our intimate lives. But talked about or not, it is true -- many more co…

We have a 15 month old daughter who sleeps in a crib in our room, and my wife is a light sleeper. Baby makes a noise, wife wakes up, wife takes an hour to fall back asleep.

I keep telling her: please, sleep on the couch. Literally every time you sleep out there, you get better sleep, and feel better in the morning. But she always says no.

I wish we were one of those couples who secretly, or otherwise, slept apart at least a few nights a week.

Re: How Sharing a Bed Changed My Sleep

#52

Post by pavel_lishin »

ci5er wrote: post #45
codingdave wrote: post #2

Welcome to the little-discussed world of adult sleeping arrangements, where many couples secretly don't sleep next to each other. We don't talk about it much because those who do sleep next to each other think that our relationships must be horribly broken, and we don't feel the need to justify our choices, or get into details of the logistics of our intimate lives. But talked about or not, it is true -- many more co…

What about a king size bed? With dual twin size coverings? I'm not judging - but sleeping in the other room or on the other bed seems to defeat the point of being together, no? I was married for a long while - and I miss it. That said - she only weighed 95 pounds, so maybe not having to deal with king-kong in my bed helped.

> sleeping in the other room or on the other bed seems to defeat the point of being together, no?

I think that sleeping together (in the literal, dictionary sense) is the least together-thing you're doing as a couple, because you're literally not even aware of the time.

Re: How Sharing a Bed Changed My Sleep

#53

Post by pavel_lishin »

atemerev wrote: post #39
toomuchtodo wrote: post #33

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Once your child makes it to a year, it's less "gates of hell" and more "mildy soul crushing".

Mildly? I still wonder how anybody could voluntarily opt for a second one. Thank God for the hardwired unconditional love for one's own children (I have heard that occasionally it doesn't work — poor souls). And still, I never even remotely expected anything like what has happened.

> I still wonder how anybody could voluntarily opt for a second one.

We're opting out of that. I have no idea how people do it, especially with another small child in the house. (We also live far from family, in a one-bedroom apartment - when someone wakes up in our home, there's a 50% chance that everyone wakes up in our home.)

Re: How Sharing a Bed Changed My Sleep

#54

Post by jacquesm »

pavel_lishin wrote: post #51
codingdave wrote: post #2

Welcome to the little-discussed world of adult sleeping arrangements, where many couples secretly don't sleep next to each other. We don't talk about it much because those who do sleep next to each other think that our relationships must be horribly broken, and we don't feel the need to justify our choices, or get into details of the logistics of our intimate lives. But talked about or not, it is true -- many more co…

We have a 15 month old daughter who sleeps in a crib in our room, and my wife is a light sleeper. Baby makes a noise, wife wakes up, wife takes an hour to fall back asleep. I keep telling her: please, sleep on the couch. Literally every time you sleep out there, you get better sleep, and feel better in the morning. But she always says no. I wish we were one of those couples who secretly, or otherwise, slept apart at…

Move crib to living room, leave wife in bed, sleep on couch. Problem solved. Been there, done that.

Re: How Sharing a Bed Changed My Sleep

#55

Post by pavel_lishin »

toomuchtodo wrote: post #44
atemerev wrote: post #39

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Mildly? I still wonder how anybody could voluntarily opt for a second one. Thank God for the hardwired unconditional love for one's own children (I have heard that occasionally it doesn't work — poor souls). And still, I never even remotely expected anything like what has happened.

"Mildy" for the HN crowd :) I too was unprepared for the level of hell a child brings. But, unconditional love and all that jazz. For sure though, one is enough for one lifetime. My cousin is on his fourth; no idea why he hates himself so much.

My coworker has seven siblings.

He tells me that it eventually gets easier, as they get old enough to help take care of the young ones. I assume it's similar to how you learn to echolocate if someone stabs your eyes out, or how you learn to pick things up with your feet if someone eats your hands.

Re: How Sharing a Bed Changed My Sleep

#56

Post by ci5er »

pavel_lishin wrote: post #52
ci5er wrote: post #45

Earlier quoted context omitted.

What about a king size bed? With dual twin size coverings? I'm not judging - but sleeping in the other room or on the other bed seems to defeat the point of being together, no? I was married for a long while - and I miss it. That said - she only weighed 95 pounds, so maybe not having to deal with king-kong in my bed helped.

> sleeping in the other room or on the other bed seems to defeat the point of being together, no? I think that sleeping together (in the literal, dictionary sense) is the least together-thing you're doing as a couple, because you're literally not even aware of the time.

Maybe so. But, for me, subliminally - it feels when I wake up that there is a felt difference from having spent the night alone or not. But, again, maybe that's just me.

Re: How Sharing a Bed Changed My Sleep

#57

Post by zzalpha »

codingdave wrote: post #2

Welcome to the little-discussed world of adult sleeping arrangements, where many couples secretly don't sleep next to each other. We don't talk about it much because those who do sleep next to each other think that our relationships must be horribly broken, and we don't feel the need to justify our choices, or get into details of the logistics of our intimate lives. But talked about or not, it is true -- many more co…

many more couples than you might think choose sleep separately for exactly the reasons shown by this data.

It appears you didn't read past the first graph (which initially implies a reduction in sleep due to sharing a bed with his partner). But he then goes on to say this:

Turns out, since we started sharing a bed, most nights I have the same amount of sleep as before.

What follows is a further analysis leading to this conclusion:

Whilst spending nights with my girlfriend results in less time in a state which Fitbit recognises as “lying in bed ready to sleep”, because we go to bed later and get up earlier, when I am in that state, I sleep better.

So it's not that he's sleeping less, or more poorly while sharing a bed. That first graph is just a product of less time spent physically in bed. In fact, there's another graph he presents that shows basically the same amount of actual sleep while in bed, with or without his partner.

Try not to read your own biases into other people's writing, and be very careful when skimming. It's a hard habit to break, I know, but it can really hurt you in life (no joke... misreading an email in a professional context can make for nasty mistakes).

Re: How Sharing a Bed Changed My Sleep

#58

Post by pavel_lishin »

ci5er wrote: post #56
pavel_lishin wrote: post #52

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> sleeping in the other room or on the other bed seems to defeat the point of being together, no? I think that sleeping together (in the literal, dictionary sense) is the least together-thing you're doing as a couple, because you're literally not even aware of the time.

Maybe so. But, for me, subliminally - it feels when I wake up that there is a felt difference from having spent the night alone or not. But, again, maybe that's just me.

I think it's a personal thing. I feel better after having slept all night alone - because we're not kicking each other in our sleep all night.

Re: How Sharing a Bed Changed My Sleep

#59

Post by pavel_lishin »

jacquesm wrote: post #54
pavel_lishin wrote: post #51

Earlier quoted context omitted.

We have a 15 month old daughter who sleeps in a crib in our room, and my wife is a light sleeper. Baby makes a noise, wife wakes up, wife takes an hour to fall back asleep. I keep telling her: please, sleep on the couch. Literally every time you sleep out there, you get better sleep, and feel better in the morning. But she always says no. I wish we were one of those couples who secretly, or otherwise, slept apart at…

Move crib to living room, leave wife in bed, sleep on couch. Problem solved. Been there, done that.

I've thought about it, but that also means that we have to retreat to the bedroom when the kid goes to sleep (7:30), and can't walk through the living room to the bathroom, kitchen, etc. until she's very deeply asleep - and even then, it might wake her up.

Re: How Sharing a Bed Changed My Sleep

#60

Post by jacquesm »

pavel_lishin wrote: post #59
jacquesm wrote: post #54

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Move crib to living room, leave wife in bed, sleep on couch. Problem solved. Been there, done that.

I've thought about it, but that also means that we have to retreat to the bedroom when the kid goes to sleep (7:30), and can't walk through the living room to the bathroom, kitchen, etc. until she's very deeply asleep - and even then, it might wake her up.

Hm. Some kids sleep really deep and would be fine in that situation, the best way to figure it out is to try it and to give it enough time that you know that if there is a problem it is structural and not just the adaptation period.

My eldest slept so solid that you could have fired a cannon next to him and he would have slept through it (and still does, only he's a bit large to sleep in a crib now...).

The most important factor is something to create a shade around the crib so it isn't bathed in light or receives reflected intensity changes from a tv or so.

Post reply on HN