Why I Quit Being So Accommodating (1922) • Hacker News Board

Re: Why I Quit Being So Accommodating (1922)

#51

Post by drunken-serval » Thu, May 25, 2017, 7:24 PM UTC

codegeek wrote: post #18

Being accommodating is not necessarily a black or white thing. For me, it depends. I generally consider myself to be a nice easy going person who tries to be accommodating as long as it doesn't hurt me or others. Notice the "me" in my last sentence. Yes, be selfish and then be accommodating. Now, I can be a real jerk if I come across one. Nothing wrong with that.

Might want to read the entire article, it discusses that. The original author was more charitable and more effective in his charity towards others in the end.

Re: Why I Quit Being So Accommodating (1922)

#52

Post by minikites » Thu, May 25, 2017, 7:26 PM UTC

nostrademons wrote: post #44

nrjames wrote: post #15

It's ok to be accommodating as long as you have learned to be introspective. We all have demands of our own time and money. Introspective accommodating people are able to help others in a generous way while protecting the time and resources they need to help themselves. It's a difficult balance to achieve. Through experience, I've come to believe that this holds true in long-term personal relationships, too. While ma…

You want to compromise on the stuff that other people find important and hold fast on the stuff that you find important. Goes for both relationships, friends, teammates, and business associates. Most people come into the world assuming that their desires are everybody's desires. We live life by the Golden Rule: "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you." This obscures that there's often a wide variety in t…

>It was a revelation when my therapist told me "You need to show love in the ways that other people want to receive it, not the way you want to send it."

I'm curious, was it along the lines of this? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Five_Love_Languages

Re: Why I Quit Being So Accommodating (1922)

#53

Post by RUG3Y » Thu, May 25, 2017, 7:29 PM UTC

AnimalMuppet wrote: post #23

imesh wrote: post #21

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I know this is just a metaphorical doctor, but i don't think there are any doctor's who aren't busy

Sherlock Holmes was written by a doctor who wasn't busy, and who therefore had time to write.

He also believed in faeries.

Re: Why I Quit Being So Accommodating (1922)

#54

Post by graphitezepp » Thu, May 25, 2017, 7:29 PM UTC

rdiddly wrote: post #47

graphitezepp wrote: post #37

As someone who trends towards heavily accommodating, I often seem to find my actions that I judge as selfish or arrogant are the ones that I get respect for. Definitely a phenomena I don't understand, but its real so it should be very valuable to learn where to draw the line.

Put it in the context of dominance and submission among apes and it becomes clear. The one who does nice things for you is displaying a submissive posture and trying to win your favor. They are probably your social inferior: beneath you in the hierarchy, or at most, a peer. The one who doesn't care about you and does what he wants, shows that he's above you in the hierarchy. And some people just can't resist their in…

Nice perspective. Also an ape guy (love reminding telling people we are just silly monkeys), and I think there is probably a lot of truth to looking at it this way.

Re: Why I Quit Being So Accommodating (1922)

#55

Post by nostrademons » Thu, May 25, 2017, 7:30 PM UTC

minikites wrote: post #52

nostrademons wrote: post #44

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You want to compromise on the stuff that other people find important and hold fast on the stuff that you find important. Goes for both relationships, friends, teammates, and business associates. Most people come into the world assuming that their desires are everybody's desires. We live life by the Golden Rule: "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you." This obscures that there's often a wide variety in t…

>It was a revelation when my therapist told me "You need to show love in the ways that other people want to receive it, not the way you want to send it." I'm curious, was it along the lines of this? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Five_Love_Languages

Similar - you can bet that most therapists have read that and incorporate it into their practice. My wife and I are fortunate enough to share the same primary love language, but like with most couples, there are a bunch of little things where we differ. This is why they say communication is key in a relationship - if you're not communicating, you never learn that the other person might come into the relationship with subtly different values or experiences, and then when they do things that make you feel ignored or hurt, you attribute it to malice rather than ignorance.

Re: Why I Quit Being So Accommodating (1922)

#56

Post by feralmoan » Thu, May 25, 2017, 7:35 PM UTC

A lot of the points touched on in the original article and this thread are conducive to deeper, creative and more meaningful work in general. You should say no to meaningless distractions. I just finished reading this book about it, so, good timing... https://www.amazon.com/Deep-Work-Focused-Success-Distracted-...

Re: Why I Quit Being So Accommodating (1922)

#57

Post by metaphorm » Thu, May 25, 2017, 7:37 PM UTC

CapitalistCartr wrote: post #20

On a related note is "reasonable". In English this word is routinely abused. I consider it a huge red flag. "4+4=11" "No, 4+4=8" "Oh, c'mon, Joe, don't be difficult." "4 and 4 is 8, 11 isn't correct. "Be reasonable here. OK, let's compromise on 9.5, OK?"

yep. it has become a weasel word where the speaker means to say "agreeable" but knows that "reason" has more social status than "agreement" in most contexts.

Re: Why I Quit Being So Accommodating (1922)

#58

Post by metaphorm » Thu, May 25, 2017, 7:38 PM UTC

77pt77 wrote: post #34

Shamiq wrote: post #19

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Not that far off: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Life_expectancy#/media/File:Li...

Almost all decent places to live in the world have an average male life expectancy of over 70 years!

ok then...

"You're 38, half your life is behind you already"

Re: Why I Quit Being So Accommodating (1922)

#59

Post by abandonliberty » Thu, May 25, 2017, 7:41 PM UTC

nrjames wrote: post #15

It's ok to be accommodating as long as you have learned to be introspective. We all have demands of our own time and money. Introspective accommodating people are able to help others in a generous way while protecting the time and resources they need to help themselves. It's a difficult balance to achieve. Through experience, I've come to believe that this holds true in long-term personal relationships, too. While ma…

Accommodation and compromise are zero sum. You're leaving a lot on the table if that's the extent of your paradigm.

Here's a sample model: http://righttojoy.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/Assertive-v...

Collaboration is value-generating. It takes more effort and yields more return. Rather than 'pushing back' you work together to understand what is important to each party and find ways to meet those needs. This must be built on an equal foundation - your needle in the middle - for most effective good-faith negotiation. Your partner needs to be reasonably intelligent and reasonable for this to work.

You need to teach people what's important to you, rather than expecting them to read your mind.

Highly recommend the negotiation book 'Getting to Yes' for a thorough treatment of these concepts.

Re: Why I Quit Being So Accommodating (1922)

#60

Post by exclusiv » Thu, May 25, 2017, 7:42 PM UTC

I'd consider myself accommodating and people often come to me for all sorts of advice. Or help with their new amazing idea. It's nice having a reputation of being able to do a wide variety of things, including building companies which many people fantasize about. I have a successful SaaS with a partner that brought me an idea/opportunity because I had built a reputation as collaborative/knowledgeable/accommodating. I'll invest my time and expertise to explore opportunities and people know I'm candid.

However, I get ideas brought to me from everywhere, incl. friends of friends of friends. I'm happy to provide detailed thoughts and notes but now I make sure to challenge the person and the idea.

If it's a good idea, I want them to do some work upfront before I put anything else into it. Sad to say that most people start really excited about their idea, then I'll note that there are companies doing the same or nearly the same thing already, that they need to differentiate, what it's going to take to compete, etc and they will get completely deflated. Most of the time there's no follow up. That's why most people can't be entrepreneurs.

I've helped out way too many people in the past only to have them give up so easily. So if you're in this camp - I'd recommend challenging those that want your help - it's a great filter and also a way to say yes and no at the same time. You'll end up wasting less time and you'll still be open to great collaborations and more rewarding experiences from helping others out.