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Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person

nytimes.com

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Re: Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person

#51

Post by Mz »

Aelinsaar wrote: post #45
fizzbatter wrote: post #37

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Not sure why you're downvoted. I suppose you're not contributing too much to the conversation, and it seems a little sarcastic (or something), but i often feel not having kids is a forgotten option. My SO and I chose long ago not to have kids (independently, fwiw), and people often look at us like we have two heads (.. each, heh).

People don't like to question the basic assumptions they live with, such as, "Having children is a necessary part of a good and fulfilled life."

I didn't downvote, but if I had, it wouldn't be for that reason. It would be because having kids or not having kids is something many people speak of cavalierly as if it is totally in our control and this is often not true. If birth control fails, there are places where abortion is hard to come by (including large parts of the U.S., from what I gather). These attitudes disproportionately negatively impact women.

Much of human sexual morality is rooted in the thorny issue that mother nature makes sex pleasurable in large part to get you to reproduce and efforts to enjoy sex without it leading to babies are often unsuccessful. So, we have a long human tradition of things like shotgun weddings.

Re: Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person

#52

Post by nostrebored »

I think that there are two extremely harmful narratives that have reached wide acceptance in the last few generations:

1) There's a soulmate out there for you

2) You shouldn't change who you are for your partner

Both of which combine to create the barrage of unhappy relationship stories that you hear today. Really, I think that you can be happy with just about anyone who is willing to listen to you and change their mind when they're wrong.

Because you are wrong about something. Maybe it's major, maybe it's minor, maybe it's a "facet of your personality" which is destructive, and you should be willing to update the way that you interact with the world based on new information. Going into relationships as an immutable person is a quick way to dwindle your dating pool down to practically nothing or decrease the quality of the relationship for your partner.

Re: Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person

#53

Post by the_af »

carsongross wrote: post #41

No mention of children, until we get this: "maddening children who kill the passion from which they emerged". This solipsistic, navel-gazing age can't die fast enough.

I don't think the author is arguing against having children. He seems to be arguing against a passion-driven, romantic ideal of what a relationship is which doesn't account for noisy children and which usually ends in deep disappointment. He seems to be arguing for a more pragmatic view (he calls it "pessimistic") which may enable us to get more out of our actual, non-idealized relationships.

Re: Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person

#54

Post by gtaylor »

fizzbatter wrote: post #37
Aelinsaar wrote: post #31

Earlier quoted context omitted.

So don't have kids, we're not running out of people after all.

Not sure why you're downvoted. I suppose you're not contributing too much to the conversation, and it seems a little sarcastic (or something), but i often feel not having kids is a forgotten option. My SO and I chose long ago not to have kids (independently, fwiw), and people often look at us like we have two heads (.. each, heh).

It's not at all a forgotten option, it's just not one that the majority choose to take. There's nothing wrong with deciding to have kids. We're not running out of people, but we're not over-crowded and population growth is slowing in many places. There are certain geographic areas with more dire situations, but the whole isn't looking bad.

As far as their comment in particular:

> So don't have kids, we're not running out of people after all.

This adds zero to the conversation. It's like saying "You might get hit by a bus if you try to cross the street, so don't do it at all".

In truth, deciding whether to have kids is a much more complicated process than that. There's no "So just do X" or "So don't do X" advice that is helpful or constructive.

Re: Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person

#55

Post by nashashmi »

matwood wrote: post #28

A comedian once said "Find someone you can tolerate and marry them." The point being that we as society have put marriage expectations so high that they are impossible for most people to meet. True love, the one, etc... are all things that sound great, but just rarely, if ever happen. It will not always be rainbows and butterflies and there will be times where it is a lot of work. Knowing that going in will lead to a…

It is actually true. When you pick someone, what you are really doing is picking a set of problems that you want to live with, not a set of happiness that you want to live with it.

Happiness comes and goes. Problems and being able to deal with them always stay.

Re: Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person

#56

Post by alashley »

Goronmon wrote: post #40
alashley wrote: post #17

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think interpersonal relationships is one of the places where it matters most to have expectations and standards. There will be trade-offs, but at the end of the day you need to be able to add to someone's life and vice versa. This whole low/no expectations thing can keep people in some pretty toxic situations. And if you have expectations, you also need to be able to extend yourself to meet the expectations of othe…

This whole low/no expectations thing can keep people in some pretty toxic situations. It's not really about low/no expectations. It's about not letting smaller, less important things impact the larger, more important things. So, one person sometimes not putting down the toilet seat could either be a momentary frustration that is sometimes mentioned but largely ignored, or used instead as a catalyst for arguments and…

Agreed!

Re: Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person

#57

Post by DanielStraight »

Aelinsaar wrote: post #45
fizzbatter wrote: post #37

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Not sure why you're downvoted. I suppose you're not contributing too much to the conversation, and it seems a little sarcastic (or something), but i often feel not having kids is a forgotten option. My SO and I chose long ago not to have kids (independently, fwiw), and people often look at us like we have two heads (.. each, heh).

People don't like to question the basic assumptions they live with, such as, "Having children is a necessary part of a good and fulfilled life."

No, people don't like solutions which ignore the problem.

Yes, by completely changing your plan for your life you can prevent certain problems, but that doesn't necessitate that you should make the change.

Re: Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person

#58

Post by [deleted] »

up_and_up wrote: post #19

PROTIP: 1. Have a longterm vision/goal for your life that is achievable regardless of financial resources/location etc. 2. Find a partner in crime who shares that vision and is willing to join you on what will surely be a great adventure known as your life. Life will surely be no bed of roses. 3. Stress Test your relationship in some way to ensure the vision/goal is aligned. I decided I should marry my wife following…

[deleted]

Re: Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person

#60

Post by Aelinsaar »

gtaylor wrote: post #54
fizzbatter wrote: post #37

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Not sure why you're downvoted. I suppose you're not contributing too much to the conversation, and it seems a little sarcastic (or something), but i often feel not having kids is a forgotten option. My SO and I chose long ago not to have kids (independently, fwiw), and people often look at us like we have two heads (.. each, heh).

It's not at all a forgotten option, it's just not one that the majority choose to take. There's nothing wrong with deciding to have kids. We're not running out of people, but we're not over-crowded and population growth is slowing in many places. There are certain geographic areas with more dire situations, but the whole isn't looking bad. As far as their comment in particular: > So don't have kids, we're not running…

I'm sorry that my comment didn't meet your standards of excellence, but in fact a few billion less people would certainly make it possible to raise the standard of living for the rest. Given that a few billion people live in squalor now, it seems like overage, don't you think?
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