Should more of us be moving to live near friends? • Hacker News Board

Re: Should more of us be moving to live near friends?

#481

Post by matrix87 » Mon, Dec 30, 2024, 5:41 AM UTC

DragonStrength wrote: post #215

dlisboa wrote: post #71

Coming from a Latin American the idea of re-starting your life across the country for college and then again for work (multiple times sometimes) while away from family and friends is very foreign. A lot of the conversation around modern American youth feeling isolated, lacking socialization and not building strong relationships seems that stem from this drive. Another thing that’s really weird and related is another…

From an American's perspective, given how much Latin American migrant inflow we have, it'd be easy for us to say the same about Latin American cultures and not imagining how we could leave everything behind. Perhaps people's choices don't always reflect their desires and instead reflect the economic realities around them. "Getting out" is viewed as success where I was from because "staying behind" meant a worse life…

> when polling shows younger folks want just as many kids as their own parents but can't afford them.

it isn't just that they can't afford them, it's that the standards for "good parenting" have increased. Simultaneously, both partners have less time for raising kids because of economic pressure

But the state doesn't subsidize childcare or offer universal pre-K, so the only real solution is to keep importing people from more "trad" cultures until the whole thing blows up

Re: Should more of us be moving to live near friends?

#482

Post by antisthenes » Mon, Dec 30, 2024, 6:10 AM UTC

pseudocomposer wrote: post #67

extr wrote: post #46

I go back and forth on this. I still keep in touch with a bunch of high school and college friends. For better or worse those guys know "the real me" and the history and relationships are impossible to replace. They all still live close together but I live far away - I only see them once or twice a year, if that (less right now because we're all in the "very young kids" stage). I miss them. On the other hand, when I…

People you meet later in life - even much later, even when you have a wife and kids - can absolutely come to know “the real you.” (I might describe “closeness of relationships over time” as “asymptotic, with an upper limit” or at least “with diminishing returns,” if we want to get really math-y about something that is not really measurable.) But you have to be open to that, and it also requires a lot of social skills…

> But you have to be open to that, and it also requires a lot of social skills that are not really otherwise demanded (in fact, arguably discouraged) among, particularly, men in developer/software engineering roles.

More than anything, it requires lots of time. Time that busy adults don't have.

Re: Should more of us be moving to live near friends?

#483

Post by namaria » Mon, Dec 30, 2024, 9:15 AM UTC

Viliam1234 wrote: post #471

namaria wrote: post #447

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Isn't the suicide rate highest in Scandinavian countries and lowest in South Europe?

The more sad people kill themselves, the happier is the average survivor?

In a static population sure. Over decades?

Re: Should more of us be moving to live near friends?

#484

Post by veunes » Mon, Dec 30, 2024, 10:51 AM UTC

crtified wrote: post #366

veunes wrote: post #195

It was very hard for me to make friends. Even now, I only have two. When I didn’t have a family of my own, I was heavily dependent on my friends. Such "friendships" often didn’t end well for me. That’s why, at some point, I started striving to ensure that my mental health didn’t depend on my "social connections" (I’m not sure, maybe I misunderstood something in the article).

I can relate. There's something about the human group dynamic that, by default, isn't kind to certain types of personality. Internet-only friendships and acquaintances and groups can be deceiving too. They can be great and full of wonderful people, but the reality is usually that even if you spend 20 years in a particular internet community, you could leave tomorrow and few (if any) people would be talking about you…

That’s partly why I’ve been working on becoming less dependent on any external source for my sense of self-worth. It’s not easy, though...

Re: Should more of us be moving to live near friends?

#485

Post by anastasiaess » Mon, Dec 30, 2024, 11:29 AM UTC

Loughla wrote: post #313

dlisboa wrote: post #71

Coming from a Latin American the idea of re-starting your life across the country for college and then again for work (multiple times sometimes) while away from family and friends is very foreign. A lot of the conversation around modern American youth feeling isolated, lacking socialization and not building strong relationships seems that stem from this drive. Another thing that’s really weird and related is another…

>or staying in the same small town for your whole life. I'm living this now. We moved back to have kids near friends and family after college. The judgment I get from people for being a towny is ASTOUNDING. I have to justify the reason for being here and talk about how I've lived in other places for a few years for people to take me seriously. It's ridiculous. Why shouldn't I bring my experience back to fix the probl…

That’s how things used to be and it’s a good spirit. Volunteering and being civically engaged are good for the soul.

Re: Should more of us be moving to live near friends?

#486

Post by lioeters » Mon, Dec 30, 2024, 12:44 PM UTC

jimbokun wrote: post #379

lioeters wrote: post #250

Earlier quoted context omitted.

We need a poet who sings about having a "dangerous, dirty city" to call home, and the yearning of the heart is to escape to somewhere better and never returning.

Not hard to find. Most modern artists value leaving home and tradition in pursuit of the novel and transgressive.

That's true. It's probably one of the main themes of the modern era, in the arts and in life, the freedom to pursue individualism and novelty, and break with religion and tradition.

This meaning of "leaving home" as a cultural trend, I see it as part of the modern historical period that has passed its peak. We're living in the natural and logical result, and searching for a way back home.

> The modern era is closely associated with the development of individualism, capitalism, urbanization, and a belief in the positive possibilities of technological and political progress.

> It has been a period of significant development in the fields of science, politics, warfare, and technology. It has also been an Age of Discovery and globalization. During this time, the European powers and later their colonies, strengthened its political, economic, and cultural colonization of the rest of the world. It also created a new modern lifestyle and has permanently changed the way people around the world live.

> In the 19th and early 20th century, modernist art, politics, science, and culture have come to dominate not only Western Europe and North America, but almost every area on the globe, including movements thought of as opposed to the western world and globalization.

> The brutal wars and other conflicts of this era, many of which come from the effects of rapid change, and the connected loss of strength of traditional religious and ethical norms, have led to many reactions against modern development.

Re: Should more of us be moving to live near friends?

#487

Post by lukas099 » Mon, Dec 30, 2024, 2:16 PM UTC

hipjiveguy wrote: post #472

scyzoryk_xyz wrote: post #419

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Ended up with a karmic boost instead ¯\_( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)_/¯ Yeah I’ve made decisions to go back, but haven’t started a family. I’ve been curiously observing how much for those friends around me with kids friction against „society” is a whole thing.

Your commments are great, and made me lol, which is super rare - great insight, honestly... thanks But if you've never had kids, you're missing out on so much. This is just my experience, and is how I "grew up" from 20-35. I didn't want kids, but now love them so much, and as 55 year old man, with a 21 and 20 year old that still live with me, I'm doing so well, and have been blessed by them being in my life, and my w…

Not saying you’re wrong, but when people with kids say this, it means very little to me. Like of course you’re going to say that, otherwise you’d be admitting that having your kids was a mistake.

Re: Should more of us be moving to live near friends?

#488

Post by ryanwaggoner » Mon, Dec 30, 2024, 3:37 PM UTC

zdragnar wrote: post #400

ryanwaggoner wrote: post #305

Earlier quoted context omitted.

And yet somehow tens of millions of us manage to live in them.

It's amazing what people will adapt to. A friend of mine living in Minneapolis said you can't lock your car in her neighborhood, otherwise someone will just break the windows to get inside to look for things to steal. One night, her husband forgot and locked it out of habit, and before the next morning one of the windows was broken. That anyone chooses to live like that baffles me.

There is no perfect place to live. Everywhere has trade-offs, and I bet we could both come up with 100 things more important to our quality of life than whether you need to lock your car door or not.

Re: Should more of us be moving to live near friends?

#489

Post by sss111 » Mon, Dec 30, 2024, 3:55 PM UTC

Viliam1234 wrote: post #471

namaria wrote: post #447

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Isn't the suicide rate highest in Scandinavian countries and lowest in South Europe?

The more sad people kill themselves, the happier is the average survivor?

Britanica did a video on this: https://youtu.be/ldvQOnvc2Io?si=9R1IHMfS0i7RhB8s

Different cultures also define happiness differently. For the scandanvians, happiness stems from contentment and balance, American society tends to link it to consumerism and material success.

Re: Should more of us be moving to live near friends?

#490

Post by jimbokun » Mon, Dec 30, 2024, 4:50 PM UTC

imbnwa wrote: post #396

jimbokun wrote: post #377

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The trouble is those clean cities full of opportunity devolve into dangerous dirty cities when the high trust bonds of community break down.

In the case of America, violent crime is at a 50 year low. New York City, for example, was far more dangerous back when La Cosa Nostra was calling the shots than it is today.

Wasn’t the 50 year low just before Covid?