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Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

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471–480 of 806 posts

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#471

The article correctly identifies that lack of intimacy and relationships are serious problems, with sexual loneliness being a related comorbidity (if you will). The comments, so far, predictably drift toward "how do we get everyone laid?" Giving everyone access to sex will not solve sexual loneliness. And, solving (a lot of) sexual loneliness can be achieved without giving everyone access to sex. Anecdotally, I spent…

Weird flex bro, people who can't get sex usually have neither sex nor intimacy

> people who can't get sex usually have neither sex nor intimacy

That's exactly what "comorbidity" means in my original post.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#472

> One possible aid for sexual loneliness might come from online dating apps such as Tinder. In theory, online dating could provide an efficient way to find a partner. However, online dating divides people heavily into winners and losers – perhaps even more so than traditional dating. While women can get attention from thousands of men online in just a few hours, men are lucky if anyone is interested in them My wife d…

I've been running online communities for years and this, as far as I can see, factual. I've read somewhere, maybe multiple times, that most men are emotionally and sexually deprived. That sounds correct given the data I have. I'm ok looking and I feel like I can make women like me. I still struggle sometimes. Many of my friends do much worse than me. I have friends that I find intellectually stimulating, average-look…

>I'm ok looking and I feel like I can make women like me.

The only person who should "make women like me" is a female lesbian Doctor Frankenstein.

Anyone else has to make themselves likable to women.

The only person you should make do or be or like things is yourself.

You can't force other people to like you, just because you feel like it.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#473

I am happy about the study, since I think this is underresearched. However, I think Gini Index this is a horrible way to look at it. Regular sex is important, but regularly switching sex partners isn't really how I want to live my life. I don't want 50 lifetime partners, 38, 15, or even 12. I wanted one. That I have more than one is a sign of failure of a relationship each time, which is not a success. If I had my ch…

> but roles eliminate a lot of room for conflict. I think that's only true if those roles line up with practical realities. The bulk of the problem with the 'old' roles is that become obsolete due to technological and cultural changes. The two biggest changes were household electricity, which enabled the mechanization of most houeshold chores; and refrigeration/modern fertilizer production, which made household garde…

I was fairly deep in religious culture through college and can definitely argue that the "values" I learned were somewhat crippling in a liberal society. Especially ideas around interpreting intimacy as a sign of commitment. I was trying to capture some powerful sanctified physical connection, and the women I dated expected to hook up on the third date and still be non-commital. I don't think either approach was superior or healthy/unhealthy, but the mismatch can be jarring.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#474
Calling this a "health issue" is quite misleading, as these issues cut through the fabric of society itself. Sexual competition might have been a thing in our deep past but what we call "societies" in historic times were built around sexual regulations that ensured people wouldn't just 'leave because they have nothing to lose'. Ancient Rome's foundational myth contained the abduction of the Sabine women . In ancient Athens, Solon estabished brothels to limit adultery and increase social cohesion

> seeing Athens full of young men, with both an instinctual compulsion, and a habit of straying in an inappropriate direction, bought women and established them in various places, equipped and common to all.

Of course in those days, it was expected that if you were a decent-ish member of society you were basically guaranteed a wife (which you might have not even met) and a family that would perpetuate the same kind of society. Sexual competition is feral and fundamentally anti-society.

But that is the choice that people make, deliberately. we are increasingly individualists and have chosen to live that way , especially in western societies. Seeing this as a "problem" implies that there is a solution somewhere and that it is fundamentally a bad thing. But it seems that it is just the future. And there will be consequences as large percentages of mainly men feel increasing disconnected and having nothing to bind them in a society. As these men grow up, approach retirement or financial independence they will increasingly move to places where they can live with less strings attached. Not necessarily to a sexual paradise, but just to a place that demands less taxes, is more tolerant to single men (western culture isn't), that shames them less, etc etc. We are already having the trend of record numbers of households being single-person homes. The next logical step is to move that household to whatever place treats the individual best.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#475
post #384
post #361

Fortunatelly I have a wife now, but for me for the longest time the so called "sexual lineliness" was linked with the three facts: 1) I was raised into believing that sex implies serious relationship and vice versa. As in "if we are having sex that means we are in serious relatioinship". As it turned out - this does not work like this for most (many?) people. Turns out yuo can just have a good time and some sex witho…

> 1) I was raised into believing that sex implies serious relationship and vice versa. As in "if we are having sex that means we are in serious relatioinship". As it turned out - this does not work like this for most (many?) people. Turns out yuo can just have a good time and some sex without worrying about 1001 things before you do so. This seems to contradict some view on women's POV here. As in, for women the sexu…

>This seems to contradict some view on women's POV here. As in, for women the sexual transaction is big serious deal.

Also by her experience and some other stories from a few women I know close enough - even losing their virginity was more of a technicality. Literally "well, I had to go to a cdifferent city for university and I didn't want to lose it in some dorms, so I just hooked up with a guy with a good reputation (known to be able to do the job without any mess or future problems)"

Guys do now have this kind of option aside from visiting a prostitute.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#476

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I honestly don't know which is worse though. The 1930s fear and taboo or the 2020 divorce court take you to the cleaners, TRO issued and banned from seeing your kids and your guns taken away and then tossed in jail because you lost your job and the judge says you still owe support. I think I'd actually take the 1930s and I say that as someone who really dislikes those taboos and social pressures you mention.

So the experience I've seen is quite different: Family courts today are actually really focused on joint custody, to the extent that I guarantee you a lot of people have joint custody who probably shouldn't. If someone has a TRO and is banned from seeing their kids, there's a good chance a court has a really strong case to believe that person is violent and abusive. And I think a lot of the hostility that does come f…

Or she got bored of you, fell out of love, and found someone else to bang. Divorces happen for a variety of reasons. If you failed, that's fine. What if you didn't fail, but she did?

Child support is not bad in theory. It's bad in practice, because divorce is an adversarial process with lawyers, rather than social workers, and designed to inflame conflict. The whole divorce industry is corrupt and rancid.

As a footnote: Expenses with joint custody tend to be pretty equal. If you have a child 3 nights a week, and your spouse has them 4 nights, do you think it makes a real difference to expenses? However, child support in some jurisdictions and income brackets will be about 1/3 of your income. The parent with four nights will have double the income.

That's not designed to support kids. You should consider what that's designed for.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#477

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Tinder is straight up depressing for the median dude. My mind was blown just how much harder it was to get a date on tinder vs getting a date in real life. I can do the latter pretty easily but trying to get one on tinder would be like months of constant effort to then get ditched before the date even starts. It feels like 90% of women on there are chasing the top 10% of dudes and not settling for anything else.

Yes, but I don't see why everyone is acting like Tinder is the only choice. There are other apps that seem to work differently and better. I used Tinder for close to a year and had an experience close to what you're describing. I only managed to go on two dates that both went nowhere. At the suggestion of someone on one of the dating subreddits, I switched to Hinge, saw the difference in the amount of attention I was…

Does she know your HN username is sh*tter? :')

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#478

I love how the article compares the unequal distribution of sex partners with the unequal distribution of wealth, because in my opinion that might be part of the cause. I would predict that being able to afford a nice apartment in a good area close to date locations will easily 10x your sex chances. There have been other studies about young men struggling to find jobs that pay well enough for them to become financial…

Just date someone from a 2nd world country then?

Am I such a second-class citizen that I can’t date locally?

Dating across boundaries can be exotic when you have some latitude of choice, but also insulting when it’s because you can’t date. Ah, psychology…

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#479

> One possible aid for sexual loneliness might come from online dating apps such as Tinder. In theory, online dating could provide an efficient way to find a partner. However, online dating divides people heavily into winners and losers – perhaps even more so than traditional dating. While women can get attention from thousands of men online in just a few hours, men are lucky if anyone is interested in them My wife d…

I've been running online communities for years and this, as far as I can see, factual. I've read somewhere, maybe multiple times, that most men are emotionally and sexually deprived. That sounds correct given the data I have. I'm ok looking and I feel like I can make women like me. I still struggle sometimes. Many of my friends do much worse than me. I have friends that I find intellectually stimulating, average-look…

I dont think most people realize how big a deal location is. Move to a big city in the north east (NYC is the best) and you will have better luck than the west coast or midwest. The numbers favor men in those locations.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#480

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I've been running online communities for years and this, as far as I can see, factual. I've read somewhere, maybe multiple times, that most men are emotionally and sexually deprived. That sounds correct given the data I have. I'm ok looking and I feel like I can make women like me. I still struggle sometimes. Many of my friends do much worse than me. I have friends that I find intellectually stimulating, average-look…

> I'm ok looking and I feel like I can make women like me. I still struggle sometimes. Many of my friends do much worse than me. I have friends that I find intellectually stimulating, average-looking, that have not been touched by a woman in years. While I think that globally the sentiment about this is true (market is driven by women), I also had many average-looking, intellectually stimulating male friends that sai…

I've fallen for plenty of women who I was not initially sexually attracted to but as I spent more time with them they became so. Not because they looked any different, but because emotional bonds formed. So called "inner beauty." I'm confident this is an extremely common experience for men and women alike. The issue is that this will never happen through a dating app.
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