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The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

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Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

#461

Post by baxtr »

ronnier wrote: post #416
beat wrote: post #378

My own concerns are different. I'm in my 50s now, happily married for over 25 years, with a terrific social life. I'm not at all lonely or isolated. It's my children that I worry about. They're boy/girl twins, now 25. My daughter is in the process of breaking up with the boyfriend she's lived with for the past two years, and moving back home to re-settle her life. She has a career, and wants to get married and start…

Your daughter will be ok. She can go anywhere and immediately find social groups and have no issues finding dates — if she gets online she can literally have hundreds or thousands of men ready to take her out. It’s completely opposite for most men — isolated and hard to find social circles.

I am not sure if that’s true. Both my female cousins fit the description above, except they’re in their late 30s by now and still aren’t able to find partners for life. Sometimes I think maybe that’s the way it’s always been and that’s why there were forced marriages, which you might not have liked but in the end they made you happy through the family you’d usually had around you as you grow older. Don’t know

Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

#462

Post by beat »

sizzle wrote: post #443
beat wrote: post #378

My own concerns are different. I'm in my 50s now, happily married for over 25 years, with a terrific social life. I'm not at all lonely or isolated. It's my children that I worry about. They're boy/girl twins, now 25. My daughter is in the process of breaking up with the boyfriend she's lived with for the past two years, and moving back home to re-settle her life. She has a career, and wants to get married and start…

What has your son been doing since turning 18? Did you try to lay out a foundation in teaching him life skills/weaning him off of financial support so he can learn the value of a dollar? I understand disabilities and disorders can hold adult children back, if that isn't the case I'm curious where things went off the rails, as a soon to be first time dad myself. This stuff worries me, that regardless of all the invest…

Pretty severe autism. The main reason we never just kicked him out is because he really can't function on his own. He'd suck at being homeless. That was hard for me to get used to, as I've been on my own since I was 18. And his sister moved out as soon as it was practical for her, although she lives just minutes away and we see her at least weekly.

And if there's one piece of parenting advice I can offer, it's this... your kids are their own people. Parents only have just so much control. (The flip side is also true; at a certain point, you can't just blame your parents for your own life.)

Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

#463

Post by a2tech »

sizzle wrote: post #443
beat wrote: post #378

My own concerns are different. I'm in my 50s now, happily married for over 25 years, with a terrific social life. I'm not at all lonely or isolated. It's my children that I worry about. They're boy/girl twins, now 25. My daughter is in the process of breaking up with the boyfriend she's lived with for the past two years, and moving back home to re-settle her life. She has a career, and wants to get married and start…

What has your son been doing since turning 18? Did you try to lay out a foundation in teaching him life skills/weaning him off of financial support so he can learn the value of a dollar? I understand disabilities and disorders can hold adult children back, if that isn't the case I'm curious where things went off the rails, as a soon to be first time dad myself. This stuff worries me, that regardless of all the invest…

Sounds like the best thing he could do for his son is give him the first month's rent on an apartment and kick him out. He won't like it, but isn't being a parent about making the hard decisions?

Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

#464

Post by cheez »

rayiner wrote: post #423
ronnier wrote: post #416

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Your daughter will be ok. She can go anywhere and immediately find social groups and have no issues finding dates — if she gets online she can literally have hundreds or thousands of men ready to take her out. It’s completely opposite for most men — isolated and hard to find social circles.

It’s easy for women to find dates. Much harder to find competent potential life partners who want to start a family.

If your standards are too high, you'll find it tough to find "competent" life partners who want to start a family.

Secondly, if I told you that there was a > 20% chance you were going to get run over by a car, would you cross the road? Even the best partnerships (statistically) have a 20% chance of divorce. "Hey 'incompetent' life partner, do you want to take a 20-50% chance of losing 60-80% of the assets that you build up over the next 10 years? Oh, how about a similar chance that you'll lose the relationship with your children?"

Men are not upset (in general) that they are single. It's women that are upset.

Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

#465

Post by germinalphrase »

clarry wrote: post #217
bitexploder wrote: post #190

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I recommend social hobbies. Mine are BJJ and Magic the Gathering. BJJ is great because it can be highly technical but you will meet people way outside of nerd circles. My kids do it and love it as well. It is a hard thing, too, so it keeps the ego in check. You have no choice but to be extremely, intimately close with other humans. The friends I am making are great. There are plenty of other hobbies, but start there.…

Don't we all know what BJJ is.

Brazilian jiu jitsu is correct. It’s a wrestling style.

Compared to many martial arts, BJJ is very interactive in that you learn something new and then immediately put it into practice against training partners. BJJ gyms don’t really do katas (lining up the class to practice poses/moves individually).

This is nice because you get immediate feedback on what works. I’m a small guy. In a real fight I would probably get smashed by any average sized dude, but my experience diving into jiu jitsu has been fun and interesting. It’s a very technique based and strategic game, so my size isn’t as much of a factor as it would be in other sports.

Most gyms do a free trial period. You won’t have any idea what you’re doing for the first month or two, but I think it’s healthy to get humbled once in a while.

California (specifically So Cal) is kind of the Mecca of BJJ in the US, so a gym should be easy to find. Give it a try everyone.

Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

#466

Post by KaoruAoiShiho »

beat wrote: post #378

My own concerns are different. I'm in my 50s now, happily married for over 25 years, with a terrific social life. I'm not at all lonely or isolated. It's my children that I worry about. They're boy/girl twins, now 25. My daughter is in the process of breaking up with the boyfriend she's lived with for the past two years, and moving back home to re-settle her life. She has a career, and wants to get married and start…

Your son's issue may be exacerbated by video game addiction. As a game developer I know exactly how effective our methods are.

Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

#467

Post by dang »

Chirael wrote: post #166
WhompingWindows wrote: post #2

I felt loneliness acutely this week. I live alone, spend most evenings alone, and on top, work's coding and research has been slow for 2 weeks. Collaborators are at conferences and on vacation, so I had much less work and much less face-to-face contact than usual. Given that I code on my own, distribute analyses via email, and occasionally meet if people are around, I barely talked to people some days this week. Goin…

I’m in Providence but have no idea how to send a DM on HN; if you can see the email on my profile feel free to send something

HN doesn't have DMs, so no one has an idea how to send them. Thanks for watching out for a fellow user.

Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

#468

Post by inetknght »

buildzr wrote: post #450
bytematic wrote: post #419

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If they are mid-twenties they have probably heard it a million different times in a million different ways, what do you do?

I know people like this - what's the solution? Do you just cut them loose and make them figure it out?

Tough love is sometimes the best form of love. Be prepared to be resented; be prepared for the child to cut you out of their life.

Accept it's their choice. You're probably giving them more choice than you ever have before. And it's scary for both of you. But it's literally the only way that some people can learn how to grow up.

Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

#469

Post by dang »

itsaidpens wrote: post #386

Dude, you’re their parents! Take some responsibility!

Aggressive, unsubstantive comments about personally intimate situations... please don't.

We detached this subthread from https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=20118297 and marked it off-topic.

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