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How to talk to anyone and why you should

theguardian.com

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Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#451

Post by abhaynayar »

jjcm wrote: post #203

There's some solid advice in here - especially around performative interactions vs genuine. I was someone who was raised home schooled and it really altered my ability to communicate with my peers, which was something I had to really work on later in life. It surprises most people who know me when I tell them this, as I'm a pretty outgoing / gregarious person these days. It was a deliberate choice on my part, and I l…

Interesting, because I've been thinking about group sizes and their effects on social dynamics.

However, I guess it depends on the goal? Like in medium audiences, WHY be the facilitator for others? I mean it's a good thing to do if there's such a person or maybe if you're the host, etc. But in my opinion in most cases the point is to contribute to the conversation.

For large/presentations- fact versus emotion thing seems arbitrary. In most "social" situations emotions triumph regardless of size. But again there are factors other than size that would factor more into this. I don't disagree with anything- more like all of it could go either way and it's fine.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#452

Post by mhurron »

etbebl wrote: post #187
mhurron wrote: post #154

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Would you be bothered if a stranger struck up a nice conversation with you? Yes. If I am basically anywhere there are other people, I am there for a specific reason, and anyone trying to talk to me for anything else is bothering me. I've found that most people that try to start conversations with strangers are really poor at reading signals that their actions are unwanted and they only stop when you say something s…

The example in the article is a waiting room. Or you could be waiting to catch the subway, or in line at the grocery store. In those situations how is somebody trying to talk to you preventing you from completing your task? Otherwise you're probably just scrolling your phone; sometimes I fill these gaps with things like podcasts, but even then it's not like what I'm doing is urgent.

I am wherever for a reason, and that reason is not to be social. I am thinking about what I am doing next, what I need to bring up in whatever thing I'm waiting for, or quite frankly any number of things. You are interrupting me. You'd probably get it if we changed things up and instead of standing in line, we said you were staring out the window while sitting at your desk. You're clearly doing nothing right and talking to you isn't interrupting what your task is because your task is just typing code, and we did just say you're not doing that.

You are bothering me trying to talk to me when I am out, because I am only out to do things specifically. Just because I am currently doing something (waiting) that you deem unimportant or an indicator I am free does not make it so.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#454

Post by basilikum »

jccalhoun wrote: post #444

I'm kind of a misnthrope. I don't know my neighbors and I don't want to. I bought my current house in part because it has a fence around it. I wear earbuds in the store so random people don't try to talk to me (I'm also tall so I get people asking me to get things down for them somewhat often). I teach college so I guess I get enough interaction with strangers from having new students every semester.

Yet you felt the need to write exactly that to no one but total strangers on the internet without getting anything immediately out of it other than other people reading it.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#455

Post by [deleted] »

maplant wrote: post #427
tumdum_ wrote: post #28

We are living in a dictatorship of extroverts, who go out of their way (what a suprprise) to tell us that their ways are obviously better.

A dictatorship? Are you being forced at gunpoint to talk to people? Perhaps more unsurprisingly, at the mere suggestion that socializing is good for you (it demonstrably is https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11403199/ ), you went and wrote a comment that I can only imagine someone who is deeply unhappy would write.

[deleted]

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#456

Post by lrakster »

I found New England particularly difficult in this regard. Even my neighbors don't want to talk. But, I love this thread. It is so fun to bump into a person and share life for a few minutes. For me, if I'm busy and stressed I don't do this so a lot of it is about my own headspace.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#457

Post by unsupp0rted »

ericmcer wrote: post #443
unsupp0rted wrote: post #297

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I used to do this constantly but eventually I found it tedious. The conversation almost always went smoothly and I got the sense my interlocutor was pleasantly surprised to be engaged and had a great time chatting. But for me it became a chore, rather than a joy. It was “work” like guiding/teaching somebody. The juice was rarely worth the squeeze.

Did people only talk about themselves? It is probably a rare trait when someone legitimately cares about other peoples inane daily lives. It would be interesting to actually talk to hundreds of people a week for years, you would probably get really good at categorizing people and predicting where they are in life and what their current concerns are.

About themselves or about their political/world views, which are incredibly repetitive

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#458

Post by graypegg »

SequoiaHope wrote: post #11

After a bad breakup in 2015, I followed some advice from the socialskills subreddit to “talk to everyone” so that you get better at talking to women you might want to date. The advice was not to only talk to attractive people but everyone. The old man reading a Russian newspaper, the kid on bike doing tricks, people in the elevator. I do that now and it brings me a lot of joy. Recently while leaving a botanical garde…

Probably at least once a week, you're going to see someone drop something, press the wrong button on the elevator, try to push on the pull door etc. My own stress always peeks when I'm in public and trip up on something minor like that. If you just shout "hey you need help?" you're probably not going to make them feel any better and doubly worse if you just avoid eye contact and walk around them. When that happens to me, it can reaaaally sour a morning.

But saying "they really need to make these doors automatic, I dropped my coffee here last week!" and helping out if they want it has the EXACT opposite effect. Suddenly, it's not embarrassing any more, and you might have a little convo commiserating about what sucks. It's just a little bit of connection to make someone's day a bit better which is definitely a win-win and good way of breaking the seal on talking to folks.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#459

Post by tnel77 »

Markoff wrote: post #447
tnel77 wrote: post #362

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Talking to strangers is one of my favorite things to do. Airplanes, trains, or just waiting at the coffee shop for them to make my drink. I have met so many interesting people and it’s almost always a joy. Now, you occasionally end up talking to someone who confesses to you that their post-nuclear dream life is to be a mother figure to a band of semi-aware ghouls. Goofy in the moment, but makes for a great story to s…

I used to do this during long travel in planes, buses or trains when I was single backpacker. Now traveling with my own family is just exhausting chore and I couldn't care less about stranger sitting next to me, I heard enough stories for whole my life since I traveled a lot. Recently I traveled with my mother to China and she was excited to talk with some girl next to her on long flight, I didn't find any value gain…

I can see how that could happen, but I’d argue that the “value added” is just the opportunity to talk to someone.

I was once decently intoxicated on a subway ride home and I saw a man looking at the floor who seemed upset. I asked him how he was doing and he said “alright.” We chatted a little and he randomly asked me, “do you have a brother?” I told him I did and he asked me, “is there anything your brother could do that would be unforgivable?” I said, “I’m sure there are things he could do that would be beyond forgiveness, but I would have to think long and hard about given how permanent that decision could be. Cutting someone out of your life can be a good thing, but make sure it’s what you think is right because you may never have the opportunity to undo it.”

He seemed to really appreciate the advice and went on his way. I’m not sure what his brother did, but I hope they are able to figure it out. Those types of interactions are (IMO) one of life’s little pleasures.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#460

Post by throwway120385 »

criddell wrote: post #428
inanutshellus wrote: post #384

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The "Helping You Not Become Your Parents" commercials (from some insurance company I think) make me sad. They're basically making fun of people for trying to connect. I'm in a spot where I don't really bump into strangers much but, as a recovering introvert I've tried to talk to people like this and it feels AMAZING. Like... irrational levels of amazing vibes. It's so frustrating seeing my own kids be horrified by it…

> They're basically making fun of people for trying to connect. I had the same thought. The clueless people turning into their parents are charming and genuine. The life coach guy is kind of a dick. Reminds me of Apple's "I'm a PC, And I'm a Mac" ads from Apple. I always understood the point they were trying to make, but the PC character was so much more likable than the Mac.

The Mac guy was such a try-hard. "I'm cool and kind of edgy over here and you're just a dope for being sincere."
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