Ask HN: Are you ok? • Hacker News Board

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#451

Post by weare138 » Thu, Sep 12, 2019, 5:28 PM UTC

teppifk wrote: post #235

satokema wrote: post #162

Nth-ing no social life and the related whines. I hate the mild feeling of discomfort I get when I tell most people I'm a software engineer. I hate having eclectic or traditional "nerdy" interests and getting a similar reaction. I've been enjoying Classic, and I have a small online circle for the niche games/music/art I like. I hate that I like these things in spite of the detriment to my social benefit to liking them…

> I hate the mild feeling of discomfort I get when I tell most people I'm a software engineer. Most software engineers have a healthy circle of friends and social life. > I hate having eclectic or traditional "nerdy" interests and getting a similar reaction. It's not any different when an electrician, lawyer or a doctor wants to talk shop. Most people you will interact with don't have the same interests as you. > I h…

> Most software engineers have a healthy circle of friends and social life.

I understand the point you're trying to make but this isn't a truism. It's a subjective opinion that wouldn't apply to any industry much less tech, which itself isn't specific to software engineering. This is an issue that effects all specialized fields of study, interests and careers. I don't feel generalizing the issue in a blanket statement that the problem is specific to the individual in question and somehow not related to circumstances beyond that individual's control is beneficial to the OP and anyone dealing with similar issues.

How many people can astronauts have honest conversations with about traveling in space that other people would understand and empathize with? Obviously very few, but it would be inaccurate and irresponsible to lay blame on an astronaut if they feel socially isolated as a result.

Later in your post you use a loaded, weasel worded statement that I strongly disagree with, which again seems to again lay blame on the OP for their honest and earnest concern:

"It could be depression, anxiety, it could be poor social skills. It is possible (maybe less likely) that you have little interest in deep social connections"

It "could" be any number of things but only one perspective is being addressed. Implying that someone's failure to conform to our ever changing, opinionated and perceived social "norm" is the cause of their issues and concerns is not helping anyone.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#452

Post by mikelyons » Thu, Sep 12, 2019, 5:28 PM UTC

McAtNite wrote: post #429

mikelyons wrote: post #421

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Its stressful for me because I'm running out of youth and I'm never going to find a mate :( The women just aren't attracted to a guy like me, or aren't interested in starting a family so much as poly-amory, drugs, revealing festival costumes, junk media, sex work, alcohol, or anything other than using their youth and looks for hedonism. Edit: Obviously touchy, people actually have thoughts like this, how do we loving…

I’m going to be bluntly honest with you. Your comment is a huge red flag. It sounds like you’ve fallen into the red pill/MRA trap where you are blaming women for not having a relationship. Your description is not accurate, and sounds like a toxic approach where you are viewing women with a combative perception. I’d suggest considering what areas of your life you can improve on for you, and maybe addressing the areas…

Not saying it's healthy but these emotions are all tied into why we work and why we survive.

I am happy but these are thoughts I've had in the past.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#453

Post by gadders » Thu, Sep 12, 2019, 5:29 PM UTC

GuB-42 wrote: post #391

As a software developer myself, I always wondered why it is considered a stressful profession. - Most of us aren't going to kill ourselves or others in case we screw up. The stakes may be higher for people working with safety critical systems, but such systems often have multiple safeguards. - Most deadlines and time pressure are completely made up. So what if we don't deliver on time? It is not like the fate of the…

Well, some places you have the threat of dismissal for failing to deliver. That can be pretty stressful if you have a family to support and no cash reserves or family to assist you.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#454

Post by toyg » Thu, Sep 12, 2019, 5:30 PM UTC

api wrote: post #106

Once a group of students from nearby UCI were touring our co-working space as part of some kind of conference. One student asked me a question I'd never been asked before: what are the occupational hazards of the programming profession? I had a ready answer for him: depression, social isolation, and physical atrophy due to long hours spent sitting still. He said I was the first person with a real answer to that quest…

Sadly, these are also considered "rich people's problems", so they are unlikely to ever get any sort of support from the public purse.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#455

Post by mikelyons » Thu, Sep 12, 2019, 5:31 PM UTC

codesushi42 wrote: post #428

mikelyons wrote: post #421

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Its stressful for me because I'm running out of youth and I'm never going to find a mate :( The women just aren't attracted to a guy like me, or aren't interested in starting a family so much as poly-amory, drugs, revealing festival costumes, junk media, sex work, alcohol, or anything other than using their youth and looks for hedonism. Edit: Obviously touchy, people actually have thoughts like this, how do we loving…

The women... aren't interested in starting a family so much as poly-amory, drugs, revealing festival costumes, junk media, sex work, alcohol Yeah, it can't be you , it must be them . Back to the topic. This is what I hate about the tech profession: how it perceives women. It is not healthy.

I don't think you can extrapolate the whole tech profession from one man's unhealthy outlook.

Why we work and why we mate are all part of our survival, and that's what generates these thoughts.

If I don't explain thoughts I've had and transcended in the past, that are tied to work and survival, what use is the conversation, am I shamed for sharing another aspect? or is it just too loosely related in your view.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#456

Post by mikelyons » Thu, Sep 12, 2019, 5:31 PM UTC

tvanantwerp wrote: post #432

mikelyons wrote: post #421

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Its stressful for me because I'm running out of youth and I'm never going to find a mate :( The women just aren't attracted to a guy like me, or aren't interested in starting a family so much as poly-amory, drugs, revealing festival costumes, junk media, sex work, alcohol, or anything other than using their youth and looks for hedonism. Edit: Obviously touchy, people actually have thoughts like this, how do we loving…

I seriously can't think of a single woman I've ever met who sounds like that. What situation are you in where that's normal?

It's not incredibly uncommon! I'm not saying it's normal or healthy, or even that this is my belief, these are just thoughts that I've had.

Apologies for not disclaiming

Edit: Tinder would be an example, depending on your location. Or instagram

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#457

Post by oppositelock » Thu, Sep 12, 2019, 5:31 PM UTC

GuB-42 wrote: post #391

As a software developer myself, I always wondered why it is considered a stressful profession. - Most of us aren't going to kill ourselves or others in case we screw up. The stakes may be higher for people working with safety critical systems, but such systems often have multiple safeguards. - Most deadlines and time pressure are completely made up. So what if we don't deliver on time? It is not like the fate of the…

You've been lucky, then, to work in a low stress environment and have yet to encounter a stressful one.

The nature of the work is less of a factor in the stress than you co-workers. Stress is created by people, and their personalities and management styles. When hiring, people tend to hire others like them, so you end up with a distinct company "culture", since people who match it stay, and those who don't, move on. So, if you start with a culture of stress in a company, it's going to continue in that direction, and if you end up there and don't fit with their culture, you will be stressed out, even if your colleagues might not.

I've been working in tech for going on 30 years now, and I've seen plenty of super-stressful workplaces.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#458

Post by mikelyons » Thu, Sep 12, 2019, 5:32 PM UTC

majos wrote: post #436

mikelyons wrote: post #421

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Its stressful for me because I'm running out of youth and I'm never going to find a mate :( The women just aren't attracted to a guy like me, or aren't interested in starting a family so much as poly-amory, drugs, revealing festival costumes, junk media, sex work, alcohol, or anything other than using their youth and looks for hedonism. Edit: Obviously touchy, people actually have thoughts like this, how do we loving…

Counterpoint: evidence of the behaviors you mention is way over-represented on the internet relative to its frequency in real life.

Absolutely agree

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#459

Post by gadders » Thu, Sep 12, 2019, 5:32 PM UTC

mikelyons wrote: post #421

GuB-42 wrote: post #391

As a software developer myself, I always wondered why it is considered a stressful profession. - Most of us aren't going to kill ourselves or others in case we screw up. The stakes may be higher for people working with safety critical systems, but such systems often have multiple safeguards. - Most deadlines and time pressure are completely made up. So what if we don't deliver on time? It is not like the fate of the…

Its stressful for me because I'm running out of youth and I'm never going to find a mate :( The women just aren't attracted to a guy like me, or aren't interested in starting a family so much as poly-amory, drugs, revealing festival costumes, junk media, sex work, alcohol, or anything other than using their youth and looks for hedonism. Edit: Obviously touchy, people actually have thoughts like this, how do we loving…

Every cup has a saucer, mate. You'll find someone.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#460

Post by anon9001 » Thu, Sep 12, 2019, 5:32 PM UTC

p1esk wrote: post #375

anon9001 wrote: post #360

I'm shocked at how many people seem to be doing OK or have minor complaints. For me, I've realized that if I have to do anything for 40+ hours a week on a schedule, after a couple of weeks, I'd prefer being dead. I could be a professional ice cream taste tester or race car driver, and after about 3 weeks of showing up at a fixed time and putting in 8 hours, I'd still be ready to off myself again. When I have week-lon…

Find a remote job (take a pay cut if needed), move to a cheaper country if money is a concern. Work 3-4 hours on a beach. Totally realistic as long as you’re good at what you do and manage to get things done.

I did that and relocated from SF to a cheaper part of the country. How does working on a beach help?

I'm expected to be online during core work hours and available for calls (in a quiet location with good internet).

I feel like I've optimized working as much as humanly possible and I'm still going insane. My job pays well, has good benefits, has good coworkers, my opinion is valued, my work is appreciated, my boss is fine, I learn new things every day, I now do 12-8 instead of 9-5 by switching time zones, and I make sure to be done with work when the office is done with work. I keep telling myself all these objectively good things, but I feel like I'm wasting every day for a paycheck. I store it all away and invest it, as if there's going to be a future, but I'm fully expecting this to kill me long before I'd have enough funds to quit.

I must be doing something wrong though, because if everyone felt like I do, society shouldn't be able to function.