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How to talk to anyone and why you should

theguardian.com

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Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#441

Post by morley »

MDGeist wrote: post #396
jjav wrote: post #307

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I highly recommend talking to strangers! People are lovely. Go out and try it. Which country are you in? I'm from a latin country and the norm is that you end up chatting about life the universe and everything with any random people you share a space with for more than one minute. But in the USA that doesn't really fly. Talking is transactional, either a business deal is going on or shut up. I've been in the USA fo…

I think it depends on the part of the US. In my experience, being from the south, I am used to people engaging in small talk with strangers. However, working in the northeast I find people to be very transactional until you wear them down over an extended period of time haha.

In some cultures, you signal respecting someone's time by not bothering them.

In other cultures, you signal respecting someone's time by making small-talk with them.

Advice about making small talk vs. not making small talk is not really useful unless it acknowledges this cultural divide and the percentage chance a stranger falls into one culture or another.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#442

Post by ericmcer »

SequoiaHope wrote: post #11

After a bad breakup in 2015, I followed some advice from the socialskills subreddit to “talk to everyone” so that you get better at talking to women you might want to date. The advice was not to only talk to attractive people but everyone. The old man reading a Russian newspaper, the kid on bike doing tricks, people in the elevator. I do that now and it brings me a lot of joy. Recently while leaving a botanical garde…

That is a great reminder.

I have a note at the beginning of my journal that says: 'Stand up straight, eye contact, smile', because I constantly need to remember that or I will look down, slouch and move through the world barely interacting with anyone.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#443

Post by ericmcer »

unsupp0rted wrote: post #297
SequoiaHope wrote: post #11

After a bad breakup in 2015, I followed some advice from the socialskills subreddit to “talk to everyone” so that you get better at talking to women you might want to date. The advice was not to only talk to attractive people but everyone. The old man reading a Russian newspaper, the kid on bike doing tricks, people in the elevator. I do that now and it brings me a lot of joy. Recently while leaving a botanical garde…

I used to do this constantly but eventually I found it tedious. The conversation almost always went smoothly and I got the sense my interlocutor was pleasantly surprised to be engaged and had a great time chatting. But for me it became a chore, rather than a joy. It was “work” like guiding/teaching somebody. The juice was rarely worth the squeeze.

Did people only talk about themselves? It is probably a rare trait when someone legitimately cares about other peoples inane daily lives.

It would be interesting to actually talk to hundreds of people a week for years, you would probably get really good at categorizing people and predicting where they are in life and what their current concerns are.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#444

Post by jccalhoun »

I'm kind of a misnthrope. I don't know my neighbors and I don't want to. I bought my current house in part because it has a fence around it. I wear earbuds in the store so random people don't try to talk to me (I'm also tall so I get people asking me to get things down for them somewhat often). I teach college so I guess I get enough interaction with strangers from having new students every semester.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#445

Post by Markoff »

dudefeliciano wrote: post #409
jjav wrote: post #307

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I highly recommend talking to strangers! People are lovely. Go out and try it. Which country are you in? I'm from a latin country and the norm is that you end up chatting about life the universe and everything with any random people you share a space with for more than one minute. But in the USA that doesn't really fly. Talking is transactional, either a business deal is going on or shut up. I've been in the USA fo…

Same, from a Latin country living in Germany and it feels like two different worlds

I think this applies for most of the Europe other than south, though smaller the town more talkative the people I think, in villages with nothing to do are people more likely to be curious about the stranger or just having small talk.

I live in tourist Prague, pretty much never talking with someone other than when I see someone clearly struggling with directions in public transport and I see they go out of the tourist city center I just confirm whether they know it, most of the time* it's not what they intend to do.

*Germans being the exemption, seems they like to do whole team line grim the end to end to see the city even when it's not touristy, for these I have recommendation of some rare above the ground subway sections

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#447

Post by Markoff »

tnel77 wrote: post #362
SequoiaHope wrote: post #11

After a bad breakup in 2015, I followed some advice from the socialskills subreddit to “talk to everyone” so that you get better at talking to women you might want to date. The advice was not to only talk to attractive people but everyone. The old man reading a Russian newspaper, the kid on bike doing tricks, people in the elevator. I do that now and it brings me a lot of joy. Recently while leaving a botanical garde…

Talking to strangers is one of my favorite things to do. Airplanes, trains, or just waiting at the coffee shop for them to make my drink. I have met so many interesting people and it’s almost always a joy. Now, you occasionally end up talking to someone who confesses to you that their post-nuclear dream life is to be a mother figure to a band of semi-aware ghouls. Goofy in the moment, but makes for a great story to s…

I used to do this during long travel in planes, buses or trains when I was single backpacker.

Now traveling with my own family is just exhausting chore and I couldn't care less about stranger sitting next to me, I heard enough stories for whole my life since I traveled a lot.

Recently I traveled with my mother to China and she was excited to talk with some girl next to her on long flight, I didn't find any value gained from such conversation and would rather watch a movie (or outside window is that was an option) and find it harder and harder older I get to see the added value.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#448

Post by caseyohara »

coldfoundry wrote: post #432
MDGeist wrote: post #396

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think it depends on the part of the US. In my experience, being from the south, I am used to people engaging in small talk with strangers. However, working in the northeast I find people to be very transactional until you wear them down over an extended period of time haha.

This was also my observation after growing up in New England and then moving to Denver, Colorado. People were much more open to conversation than I was previously used to which felt like a breath of fresh air. I realized people in New England seemingly default to a “defensive” interaction mode when conversed with without a pre-shared common ground, such as a task or moment. Its quite apparent when visiting family bac…

Fellow New England -> Colorado transplant. It was pleasantly shocking for me too how much chattier and friendlier people are in Colorado. But now I've lived in Colorado long enough that when I go back to visit New England, it's shocking how cold and taciturn people are there. Conversations with strangers rarely get past "How ya doin?" "Fine and you? "Fine, thanks."

I do appreciate how direct people in the northeast tend to be, and sometimes miss that aspect of the culture.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#449

Post by erikerikson »

SoftTalker wrote: post #355
bsenftner wrote: post #350

Earlier quoted context omitted.

A lot of seemingly casual interactions in the US turn out to be someone trying to sell something. When that happens a 3rd time, you start to ignore random chatter from someone that seems too friendly. The salesperson tactics abuse common social conversation rules, and one ends up feeling like they are being forced to be mean and rude to an idiot. So, to avoid that, we push away chatty strangers in the United States.

That or someone running some sort of scam or asking for money. All on the same continuum I guess. I'm always on my guard when a talkative stranger approaches me. Which is sad in a way, but experience proves it's necessary.

You may be shaping the samples you collect in a priors confirming manner.
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