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‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

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Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#431

Post by JimboOmega »

sheepmullet wrote: post #373
amyjess wrote: post #297

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Sorry, I wasn't clear. I meant that women who don't become interested in having a long-term committed relationship until later in life have the option of dating men who followed the same path as them, as well as the option of dating divorced men.

> option of dating men who followed the same path as them No they don’t. A 35 year old man can date a 25 year old woman whereas the reverse is a lot less common. As such the 35 year old man has a lot more options than a 35 year old woman. > as well as the option of dating divorced men. Divorced men tend to have very different life goals and expectations than early 30s women.

I would hope that as they mature, at least some men realize there is more value in a partner than youthful good looks. That others who have led winding and complex paths in life are often more mature, supportive, and all around better partners than someone whose world view is, essentially, "I'm attractive so people do what I want".

Perhaps a lot of 35 year old women have realized that the value of a young attractive partner isn't very high and have realized that a committed relationship can bring happiness?

Imagine how a man might pick a woman if attractiness was completely off the table - an older woman is generally more mature, more sure of herself, simply had more life experiences and knows how to handle more situations. A 21 year old has barely spent any time supporting herself; a 35 year old has moore than a decade of life.

Perhaps women value men this way; with physical attractiveness less important than emotional maturity? Which tends to increase with age?

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#432

Post by balls187 »

camelNotation wrote: post #350
TheBeardKing wrote: post #347

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>I recommend church. It helps. You evolved to do that too. Wait, what? I laughed out loud at that.

I'm not sure what you think religion is if not an evolved social construct. Do you actually think religion, with all its ritual and structure and beauty exists because cave men tried to explain away the things that scared them? It is the foundation of broader social order. It makes you feel part of something bigger than yourself. It makes it possible for you to relate positively with human beings outside the 300-400…

Religion and Evolution are typically at odds with each other.

One is a social construct.

The other is science.

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#433

Post by rifung »

whiddershins wrote: post #298

The problem I have with this answer is it basically denies the problem exists. Sure, in a sense, everything is subjective. All suffering is caused by the lens through which we filter reality. I believe Viktor Frankl writes persuasively on this topic after his experience in a concentration camp. But that’s a non answer in any practical terms, and telling someone their suffering is all in their head is rarely a solutio…

> But that’s a non answer in any practical terms, and telling someone their suffering is all in their head is rarely a solution for anything.

Hm I disagree with this but am open to be shown why I'm wrong.

> This person made a series of choices over many years that has led to being 35, with no partner, no kids, no career, and no artistic pursuits. This legitimately sucks and is a hard problem that can’t be fixed overnight. It’s certainly not going to go away by denying that it sucks and all you need is an attitude adjustment.

You are assuming that this sucks but I would then ask why does it suck?

I imagine there are people who also have no partner, kids, career, or artistic pursuits and are happy living their lives that way.

My understanding is that the unhappiness stems from her own expectations. She's unhappy because she wanted something and doesn't have it.

But the reality is that even if she gets all the things she talks about, she may still be unhappy because she wants other things. It is like people who continue to make more money but also continue to strive to have fancier and fancier things.

So I guess I disagree because I think an attitude adjustment is indeed the right thing to do here. Don't get me wrong, there are very real problems that this person is facing like her finances or lack of close friends. But things like having a career, artistic pursuits, and arguably kids, are not things that are required for living.

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#434

Post by petropolisful »

dawhizkid wrote: post #93

I've been reading Jordan Peterson's 12 rules and see a lot of applicability here, especially "treat yourself like someone you are responsible for helping."

If I could, I might recommend his self-authoring series to a person like this. I've been working through the prompts lately and this was a first thought as I read the letter, myself.

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#435

Post by r00fus »

jf- wrote: post #223
GlenTheMachine wrote: post #145

This probably won't be popular, but what the hell. I feel like, if you strip away the outward trappings and dogma, this is what religion is good for. Not in a "believe in Jesus" or "trust in God" kind of way, but in a "how to orient your life" kind of way. Which is to say, the actually useful portion of religion generally teaches that your best life is probably not focused on you. It isn't about finding yourself, or…

That’s more a value system, or maybe an ideology, than a religion. Though I’ll agree the two do more or less occupy the same cognitive space. There is no need for anything mystical to be involved. Today we are experimenting with new phenomena that have never been available to humanity en mass. Effective birth control, gender equality, freedom from restrictive social norms, all of these are very new, and indeed evolut…

> That’s more a value system, or maybe an ideology, than a religion.

The difference is that the social structure which promotes the value system is valuable in and of itself (this said as someone who grew up religious but is not anymore). A lot of people can't "walk the path" without others to walk with them.

The only issue is that sometimes that social structure has downsides like occasionally becoming politically charged, self-serving or abusive.

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#436

Post by beaconstudios »

randomsearch wrote: post #411
rolleiflex wrote: post #325

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think we in the west ended up replacing religion with, not an absence of it, but with a religion of the Self — where you are the god, or the only one that matters anyway. That obviously doesn’t mean a sincere belief in one’s own omniscience, more that the the aura of ‘importance’ bestowed upon things naturally emanate from the centre of the Universe, which is you. Mind that humans are already pretty much hardwired…

The West replaced God not with the self, but with shopping.

shopping is making material sacrifices on the altar of the Self. How is buying some designer nonsense at 1000% markup to appease your ego much different from sacrificing a prize animal to appease an external God? Neither are likely to actually help you in return.

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#437

Post by beaconstudios »

adamrezich wrote: post #417
randomsearch wrote: post #411

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The West replaced God not with the self, but with shopping.

That and "Science." "Scientists" (catch-all term nobody seems to have a problem using with increasing frequency) are the new priest class.

it's funny to see this observation here. HN is one of the worse places for scientism. Having an argument? Drop a citation to NIH. Doesn't matter that neither of you read the paper, the title loosely alludes to your point so you win.

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#438

Post by MFLoon »

nostromo wrote: post #10

I think the parents of many 20 and 30-somethings played a role in so many young(ish) adults failing to launch. American parents could learn a thing or two about parenting from previous generations and from a lot of immigrant families: nobody owes you anything, plan for a rainy day, find a partner you love and commit to them, work hard, cherish friends and family even when it's difficult, etc. I think parenting has ov…

I've at times felt resentment towards my baby boomer/hippy parents for spoiling me and failing to teach me discipline, which I've had to learn in adulthood at what I imagine is a steeper opportunity cost than if I had learned discipline as a child.

But on the other hand, I'm sympathetic to their impulse to reject the parenting styles of their parents. My father's father beat him brutally throughout his childhood. My mother's mother would shame her relentlessly for any slight failure to comply to her will, even well past childhood - when she earned her PhD, despite her mother's wishes for her to instead become an MD, after 7 hard years of working on her dissertation her mother's 'congratulatory' card ended with "I'll still pay for you to go to medical school" (and she had not helped her pay for graduate school).

They rejected the cruelty of their parents world, but gained a false optimism from the progressive, high growth times of the 60s through 90s, and failed to prepare me for the real world which is still plenty cruel.

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#439

Post by r00fus »

the_clarence wrote: post #413
justhelpingout wrote: post #386

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Socialism without morality leads to Stalinism. Socialism with morality requires strict (e. g. sworn) obedience to a higher authority (see the monasteries of Catholicism which are strictly speaking socialist).

But capitalism without morality ends up being America. Where people sleep in the streets at every corners and need to pay to go to college or get medical treatment.

While the rich own multiple houses in the same street or zipcode.

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#440

Post by castlecrasher2 »

toomuchtodo wrote: post #29
castlecrasher2 wrote: post #21

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>Remember this piece before you argue with someone that they should move away from their friends, family, their support systems for work or other development opportunities. Blood is certainly thicker than water as they say, for good and for evil. I used to think exactly as you stated the above and I don't mean to suggest how rigid you are but my recent experience with family is that relationships must go both ways, a…

> I used to think exactly as you stated the above and I don't mean to suggest how rigid you are but my recent experience with family is that relationships must go both ways, and when your attempts at expressing yourself go unheard or ignored then perhaps cutting ties is the right approach. I would encourage you to use this as a growth opportunity. I had a similar situation occur with a close family member who died un…

I appreciate your reply, but starting a message with advice instead of understanding leaves me wondering if you're more interested in being an advice dispenser than understanding where I'm coming from and then giving advice.

Forgive my reaction, my family is adept at that very thing: pretending to listen then dispensing the advice they think will fix you and your problems; I've now realized that empathy means simply listening actively, and generally the complainer will come to the correct conclusion on their own, they just need a willful listening ear.

At least, I've never been genuinely convinced I was in the wrong unless someone first recognized my pains then gave advice or I noticed someone else's example. My entire life has constituted shame-based discipline, and not even the direct "you're stupid for doing x thing" but "she's your mother, she brought you into this world." Like, yeah, but that doesn't help me not be upset, and I may have even agreed at the time but the point is my emotions are high and ignoring my feelings leaves me subconsciously believing that my emotional being is wrong or unimportant.

tl;dr I'm a big boy, I can get over it but understand me before giving advice

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