Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

docs.google.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

421–430 of 453 posts

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#421

Post by atmosx »

cabalamat wrote: post #418
atmosx wrote: post #364

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yeah I'm sure. I'm reciting the latin version because it's easier to read in English. The original version is: νοῦς ὑγιής ἐν σώματι ὑγιεῖ .

> I'm reciting the latin version because it's easier to read in English. I suspect an English translation would be even easier for English speakers to read. > The original version is: νοῦς ὑγιής ἐν σώματι ὑγιεῖ. That's Greek to me!

Okay, I'll take the bate :-P --

> I suspect an English translation would be even easier for English speakers to read.

Yeah but it would take-away the prestige, that comes with the proverb. Reciting English is one thing, reciting Latin is another ;-)

> That's Greek to me!

Exactly!!!

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#422

Post by atmosx »

alandarev wrote: post #193
typon wrote: post #77

Earlier quoted context omitted.

From my experience, indebting other people to you works really well too. However, you must not expect anything in return when doing the favour, and act gracious even if they don't return it.

If you want to lose a friend, lend him/her. (Russian proverb) To highlight your message, I as well suggest anyone lending to prepare for the worst case scenario - never see it back. If you start persuading person owing you, he/she might pay back but you will never be friends. On other hand, why indebt people? What happened to genuine helping others?

Happened to me too. Unfortunately, lending money or items to a friend is very dangerous if that friend is precious.

When it comes to money, I'd say generally speaking: lend as much as you can afford to lose. Like short-term, high-risk investments: It is a high-risk investment, you could loose a friend. On the other hand, the bond could become stronger and he will owe you one, but friends who count who owes how much to whom are in bad territory anyway...

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#423

Post by atmosx »

nickfox wrote: post #388

I strongly, strongly recommend that you take up swing dancing. You do not need a partner and you do not need to know how to dance. I promise you that if you take a beginner class in lindy hop, it will be the most fun you have had in years. It's totally unintimidating. Lessons usually run for 6 weeks and you go once a week. Usually the teachers will have everyone form a big circle and you will rotate through partners.…

It don't mean a thing, if it ain't got that swing!

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#424

Post by ilamont »

I do not even have roommates.

When I was in my 20s I moved to several foreign cities in which I knew not a soul. Every time I was able to jump start my social circle through my roommates, almost all of whom were not native to the city in which we lived. We had very different national, employment, and educational backgrounds, yet the shared experience of being in these new places and doing lots of basic living things together (cooking, cleanup, paying bills, etc.) as well as fun social things (going out, celebrating birthdays, and day trips) really helped us bond.

This ties into what @mmaunder says (1):

You make friends through shared experiences and the more intense and prolonged the experience, the deeper the friendship.

1. https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=7900487

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#425

Post by peterburkimsher »

What extra-curricular interests do you have? • Consider visiting a church. • Go to an open language exchange group. • Look on CouchSurfing, and meet someone for coffee. Those are usually free of charge, and will put you in contact with mostly respectable people.

I'm a TCK, and I'm a foreigner everywhere. I'm now in rural India, and I started a conversation in a supermarket checkout queue with some Chinese coconut fibre traders. "Ni Zhongguoren ma?" "Oh, you speak Chinese? Where are you from? Want to come over for dinner with us?" and now I have friends who I meet every weekend. If you want to make friends online, and miss the days of long conversations on MSN Messenger, try QQ. Several strangers have added me, just wanting to make friends with someone outside China. If you're concerned about language, you can use Google Translate. To save on copy-pasting, I made YouLing for Mac: http://peterburk.github.com/youling that automatically translates both ways. I was also very shy and a victim of bullying when I was younger, so have hope! There are millions of people like you, and more who have had the same struggles before. Peter

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#426

Post by jananananana »

swalkergibson wrote: post #362

The best advice I can give you is find a dance studio and take a beginner Latin/swing/ballroom class. Make sure to find the super-beginner variety, it will help to know that everyone is basically in the same place as you. It is a social setting and everyone is there for basically one thing, to dance! Approaching strangers and asking them to dance is not only not awkward in this context, it is absolutely encouraged. I…

I was going to say the same exact thing. Take a dance class, then start going to some social dances in the bay area, then meet up for drinks with people afterwards, and then, bam you have a group of friends. Especially in the bay area, there is a very strong dance community.

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#427

Post by eluckyg »

Isolation is a self-perpetuated emotion and reality, and that's what makes it so dangerous. Loneliness is similar to sitting in a large room full of cubicles too high to see over. you feel entirely alone, and yet right next door there is another person feeling the exact same way. but you're right there. In real life, this cubicle wall is fear of rejection or failure, or even thoughts that you're not worthy of another's time and affection. But if you reach out, take a chance, you just might raze those walls. Suddenly, you're seated at a the table, and I'm sure your english won't fail you then.

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#428

Post by JohnBooty »

normloman wrote: post #391
JohnBooty wrote: post #384

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Wow, guy. Lots of really negative assumptions there. As I posted elsewhere on this thread, there is no substitute for genuinely caring for others. Personally, I'm known for being quite outgoing and friendly. Probably because I genuinely care about people. I don't need these kinds of guides or an "easy way out." But clearly, there are many people in the world who need help in this area. And for them, I wish there was…

Didn't mean you specifically. Meant "you" in the general sense. Should have said "We want something that doesn't exist." As in we all do. Sorry for getting personal. Anyhow the sort of person who needs pick up artist techniques to make friends needs a lot more help than a book can provide.

I think we both agree that genuine empathy and sympathy for others (and, crucially, expressing those things) are at the core of a healthy human relationship.

For some of us, that's very intuitive, so the idea of learning it from a book can seem silly.

For others, maybe not? We can say that these people need "more help than a book can provide" but... breaking things down into manageable steps for people is also a pretty big part of professional therapy as well.

I was a nice but very socially awkward kid (way weirder than the average kid) and I eventually learned how to sociable as I went through my teenage years and early 20s. [1] So I always think other people can learn too. At least to some extent. ------

[1] Luckily the PUA thing didn't even exist back then, so I didn't go that route!)

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#430

Post by digitalzombie »

normloman wrote: post #345
JohnBooty wrote: post #322

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I did eventually learn how to make friends and it > was through PUA, pick up artist. Yeah it's > fucking weird. The PUA thing is interesting to me. People criticize it because it can be manipulative. But the success of PUA tells me that people seem to be really interested in some kind of step-by-step "system" for dealing with people. I think that's why the book "How To Win Friends and Influence People" is still pop…

What do you mean "the success of PUA" ? Do you mean success in attracting women? We can't take pick up artists at face value when they say how many women they've seduced. How do we know they don't exaggerate? Even if they don't, how can we rule out that their success rates are below average, and they succeed with brute force (asking out lots and lots of women)? Or, by success, are you referring to the popularity of p…

> Actually giving a shit about people, taking time to learn their unique differences, caring for them and doing right by them, that takes so much work.

It's about 50/50 in my anecdotal experience that half of them doesn't give a shit or is basically assholes.

> It would be so much easier if there were just 3 steps to making anyone your friend.

That's actually not true. It's actually a skill and some of these guys, including me, have spent years going out twice a week, 5 days a week, to acquire this skill.

It might seem easy to read those stuff but I think it's hard work to actually practice it.

> But that doesn't stop scam artists from exploiting your hope that it does.

I haven't spend any money on it. Mostly lurking through forums.

But, I know a few coaches and they do make money off of people.

I personally don't believe they can really make a lasting impact with just a week of booth camp or two days. It may help if you have some basis or moderate understanding of communication or social skill. It's more of a skill that take years.

If you do want to see some positive side of PUA I believe 21 convention videoes on youtube is good. It focus on all aspect.

Post reply on HN