Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s? • Hacker News Board

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#421

Post by shrx » Mon, Dec 19, 2022, 5:30 PM UTC

ws404 wrote: post #404

Bro you are are on the right forum. My family has a healthy dose of depression passed down. I can read it in every word you're writing. It's just a chemical reaction, you can defeat it but it will be tough. Achievement cures depression. Any achievement. Dead time exacerbates depression - i.e. watching TV, playing mindless games, porn, hell even reading sometimes (if it's trash and you're just reading to escape your r…

I have a mild case of depression and I live by this, it has helped me tremendously. At the beginning it will be very hard to push yourself to start something new but after a couple of achievements you kind of get to anticipate the rewarding feeling at the end and it gets easier.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#422

Post by rdl » Mon, Dec 19, 2022, 5:30 PM UTC

My priorities in your case would be: 1) Find a job/career 2) Relocate to a place you want to be

The relationship/lifestyle goals are secondary to those (maybe ultimately more important, but would require and be consequences of improvement of those two).

If your current skills aren't where they'd need to be to get hired, a quick 1-3 month deep dive into some niche tech which you could plausibly link to education to past experience would make sense. Then presumably remote work combined with trying to get visa sponsorship. Maybe broaden from US to US/CA/AU/etc.

Maybe a therapist, but no personal experience with that. Objectively there are good reasons to be unsatisfied with where you are in life, but I'd personally rather just fix those reasons rather than discuss with someone why they are that way, etc.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#423

Post by rrauenza » Mon, Dec 19, 2022, 5:31 PM UTC

ceedon wrote: post #314

mradek wrote: post #77

Earlier quoted context omitted.

How do u find a therapist? I’m a bit weary to discuss super personal things with someone I don’t know even if they’re a professional. How can I find someone I trust and is actually good? Not like the movies where the clock is up and ok next issue. My work offers a mental health service but I’ve looked at their TOS and no thanks. Sometimes I feel like just suspending the world background process and being still would…

My SO is a therapist. Something to keep in mind: Many quality therapists have stopped taking insurance due to the influx of folks seeking care coupled w/ insurance tightening what they pay out. I'm certain there are plenty of good therapists who will take their time with you at the discount implied by insurance, but you're more likely to get that experience if you're paying full rate.

Or sometimes they don't submit on your behalf, so you have to do the paperwork to submit to your insurance for whatever amount your insurance reimburses, depending on your plan.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#424

Post by nir » Mon, Dec 19, 2022, 5:31 PM UTC

Just my $0.02 (I'm a few years older): It's always earlier than you think. Don't let your perception of where you wanted to be at a certain age dictate what you can or can't do.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#425

Post by A4ET8a8uTh0 » Mon, Dec 19, 2022, 5:32 PM UTC

sveme wrote: post #315

rjzzleep wrote: post #84

Earlier quoted context omitted.

One thing to note is that while Germany is much better if you need social services, it's much easier to move between classes in the US. It's very hard to move up in German society without the right social circles which are also much more exclusive than in the US or London. That said, while therapy is one thing(and very hard to find someone that actually helps you out of your misery instead of reinforcing it), I'd may…

Sorry, but the last bit is complete and utter bollocks. Never, ever don't mention this. Please delete this dangerous misinformation that might keep people from looking for help in times of need.

Parent appears to be giving a practical suggestion on how to literally survive in a society. If it is true that it flags you, then why would you qualify it as misinformation? For the record, I have almost no knowledge of how Germany healthcare works in that regard.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#426

Post by ws404 » Mon, Dec 19, 2022, 5:32 PM UTC

My family has a healthy dose of depression passed down. I can read it in every word you're writing. It's just a chemical reaction, you can defeat it but it will be tough. Incremental improvement is crucial, you don't need to make big changes, but small ones.

Achievement cures depression. Any achievement. Dead time exacerbates depression - i.e. watching TV, drinking, drugs, playing mindless games, social media, porn, hell even reading sometimes if it's trash and you're just reading to escape your reality. One to two hours of entertainment time a day is fine, but more than that will just make you feel worse. Quit escaping your life because it's shitty or it will remain shitty.

So try this, set a small goal for yourself, either fitness or professional. You could take an online course to refresh your BI skills. Give that 100%. Knock it out, get some kind of certificate. Frame it.

Fitness always makes me feel better (plus it boosts serotonin). Try the "Couch to 5k" program online. You start just doing a light walk and jog, next thing you know you're running a race. That will make you feel great, I promise, it's awesome. If you have bad knees or something buy a bike, do a bike race.

Pick one small thing that you can win at, a relatively easy goal. Demolish it. The rest will come as you continue to set small goals and string wins together. String together enough and you turned it around.

Don't worry about what happened already. Stuff happened, now you just adapt and overcome.

Never quit.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#427

Post by quonn » Mon, Dec 19, 2022, 5:32 PM UTC

Instead of listing everything you want and cannot control it could help to focus on things that you can control. In your case this would be employment which would help you to regain self confidence and potentially allow you to save (towards the house you want). Everything else can then fall into place in it’s own time.

Additionally - and independently - I would encourage taking steps that allow you to experience joy. For example, go to a hostel at the beach, learn to talk to random strangers there. Teach yourself something cheap and fun, like surfing. Start working there on the side on the bar to finance it. Maybe add some meditation. Or whatever.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#428

Post by pkdpic » Mon, Dec 19, 2022, 5:33 PM UTC

Come back to the US! Get a Tinder account and go to a software dev bootcamp! I had tons of bootcamp students in their 40s trying to get back into the workforce after long breaks and it worked for them. And 40s isnt too old too old to start a family!

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#429

Post by tigeroil » Mon, Dec 19, 2022, 5:33 PM UTC

ogou wrote: post #117

Yes. I turned my life around at 43. Single, obsolete tech skills, lots of debt, personal issues. Began with taking a genuine inventory of my life and how I function, not just how I felt. I picked a constructive and structured approach to that, which looked a lot like CBT therapy but was something else. It was a life reset, clearing out all the baggage. It was very difficult but incremental and genuine over time. Afte…

The part about attention from women is very, very true.

Obviously relationships are hardly the only thing that matters in life, but it amazes me how much more attention I get from women since I got my life together. Turns out a man who's figured things out and is doing reasonably well is very attractive.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#430

Post by quonn » Mon, Dec 19, 2022, 5:33 PM UTC

Instead of listing everything you want and cannot control, it could help to focus on things that you can control. In your case this would be employment which would help you to regain self confidence and potentially allow you to save (towards the house you want). Everything else can then fall into place in it’s own time.

Additionally - and independently - I would encourage taking steps that allow you to experience joy. For example, go to a hostel (but avoid one full of teenagers) at the beach in a cheap place - South America or Africa or Asia, learn to talk to random strangers there. Teach yourself something cheap and fun, like surfing. Start working there on the side on the bar or volunteer there to finance it. Maybe add some meditation once you feel stable and happy.