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The unusual ways Western parents raise children

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Re: The unusual ways Western parents raise children

#421

Post by Enginerrrd »

nomdep wrote: post #34
itsmemattchung wrote: post #17

Definitely something that my wife and I struggle with. She's Vietnamese British, I'm Vietnamese American ; both of us current living in the U.S. Despite what our training classes recommend, we're co-sleeping with our 17 month year old daughter and it feels more intuitive.

So - if you don't mind the question, sorry for asking if you do - how/when you have sex?

My wife and I co-sleep with my two boys, 1 and 3.

Our sex life has probably never been better in either frequency or quality.

We typically do it in the living room on the couch in the morning before they get up, or same location during their naps, or in my work-from-home office also during naps. Or where-ever we want when we have a baby sitter, although with the pandemic that's pretty rare.

I'd say about 75%-80% of our sexual activity is essentially scheduled at least 4-6 hours in advance, sometimes more. This works great for all involved. Occasionally if we miss our window because one of them wakes up early, we just reschedule to the next soonest window. We'll occasionally even stay up late after we put the boys down to makeup a missed session.

I also think breaking the habit of only having sex in our bed at a particular time when one or the other kind of vaguely expects it is a big contributor to the improvement in our sex life.

Instead we have explicit communication about when and where we're going to have sex. There's still some room to be spontaneous, but it's very limited with kids.

Re: The unusual ways Western parents raise children

#422

Post by watwut »

bluGill wrote: post #364
watwut wrote: post #317

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The scouting, at least here, is very time consuming. It seems to want to be your whole lifestyle.

Most actives do. Commitment is the way to win championships, so any one moment you are not practicing your sport is a chance to lose the award. That things can/should be fun is lost. Scouting is a bit better than sports, but they still want your life.

They don't. You can go to piano teacher once a week. You then train at home as a side hobby. You go to art lesson once or twice a week. You go to sport training 2-3 times a week and that can be it. There are plenty of clubs like that. They even have competitions one in a while - you won't be champion but you will compete against kids like you.

There are also super competitive clubs, but huge amount of them is not like that. My own kids go to clubs like that, my friends kid go to clubs like that. The teacher typically acts seriously and attempts to teach you what is possible during that time.

But scouting is whole another level, occupying afternooms, weekends and plus giving "homework" projects. The kids were either fully into it or left.

Re: The unusual ways Western parents raise children

#423

Post by leokennis »

gdubs wrote: post #171

One of the hardest thing about being a parent today is the constant shame and confusion about the “right” way to do it. We don’t live in a hunter gatherer society anymore, we just don’t. There’s lots of wisdom in that way of life, and sure we could learn from it — but there’s enough anxiety as it is, parents don’t need more of it. We have three kids and we sleep trained them. (Not a pediatrician, standard disclaimer.…

To me, it’s very simple: I work and my wife works. After some maternity/paternity leave, we both need to get to work again to earn money to provide our kids with food, shelter, a future etc.

To be able to work, we need to sleep. For us to sleep, our kids and the baby needs to sleep.

So we put the baby in his own room on day three. Always had him sleep in his bed in his room. Didn’t let him sleep anywhere else (or when he fell asleep, put him in his bed). When in his room, he was there to sleep, not to play. So in short: sleep = bed = sleep = bed.

He slept on his own through the night after seven weeks, with only two half awake feedings lasting maybe 15 minutes.

Maybe in 1950 the wife was raised to not expect a career and could be up all night taking care of a crying baby, and the man could sleep and then on his own earn a living wage for the family during the day?

Maybe in 10.000 b.C. parents could be up all night taking care of a crying baby and “the village” could then take care of the baby during the day while the parents slept?

Maybe maybe maybe, but in 2021 there is almost no viable alternative apart from making sure your baby sleeps through the night sooner rather than later.

Re: The unusual ways Western parents raise children

#424

Post by AndrewUnmuted »

dagw wrote: post #36
AndrewUnmuted wrote: post #16

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's funny, human mothers have a unique trait through which they can identify the cries of their particular child, even at a playground where a lot of kids are making noise. Somehow, mothers are able to cut through all the din and identify the voice of their young child, at the exclusion of all others. Nature does so much to bring mothers closer to their young, yet fathers do not possess this "talent." In fact, we se…

human mothers have a unique trait through which they can identify the cries of their particular child, even at a playground where a lot of kids are making noise. That has nothing to do with being a mother and everything to do with spending a lot of time with that child. I'll bet that anybody who spends enough time with a child will be able to do that, regardless of that persons gender or genetic relation to the child…

Please see my general response to all the negativity I've received here [0].

To address your specific point, though, which was echoed by others in this thread, there is a lot of truth to the human ability to hone their auditory memory, especially when it comes to sounds that fall within the human auditory frequency range. Many of us have experienced this phenomenon not only with their own and others' children, but also with their house pets (especially cats and parrots), and even machines (i.e., your car, your air conditioner, your server, etc.)

Nonetheless, as I have shown, there is a particular biological difference exhibited between first-time mothers and first-time fathers. Nothing about this statement invalidates or calls into question your own statement and I agree with it wholeheartedly.

[0] https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=26254581

Re: The unusual ways Western parents raise children

#425

Post by TylerE »

secabeen wrote: post #397
a2tech wrote: post #380

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I very much believe SIDS is a real thing. I also think that many cases of SIDS are babies being smothered by soft cloth that bunches up and constricts their breathing and by accidentally smothered by their parents while they're deeply asleep. When kids are small I think co-sleeping is a great thing (where you have a small basinet or something similar next to your bed where you can reach out and touch your baby but th…

> accidentally smothered by their parents while they're deeply asleep This seems unlikely. 10% of babies share a sleep surface with parents, up from 6.5% in 1993, yet SIDS deaths are down over the same period: https://www.webmd.com/baby/news/20180212/baby-suffocation-de... https://www.cdc.gov/sids/data.htm

Suffocation from co-sleeping is NOT SIDS.

https://www.webmd.com/baby/news/20180212/baby-suffocation-de....

Re: The unusual ways Western parents raise children

#426

Post by faitswulff »

secabeen wrote: post #397
a2tech wrote: post #380

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I very much believe SIDS is a real thing. I also think that many cases of SIDS are babies being smothered by soft cloth that bunches up and constricts their breathing and by accidentally smothered by their parents while they're deeply asleep. When kids are small I think co-sleeping is a great thing (where you have a small basinet or something similar next to your bed where you can reach out and touch your baby but th…

> accidentally smothered by their parents while they're deeply asleep This seems unlikely. 10% of babies share a sleep surface with parents, up from 6.5% in 1993, yet SIDS deaths are down over the same period: https://www.webmd.com/baby/news/20180212/baby-suffocation-de... https://www.cdc.gov/sids/data.htm

Smothering is a much bigger problem if the parents in question drink alcohol before cosleeping.

Re: The unusual ways Western parents raise children

#427

Post by NovaJehovah »

novembermike wrote: post #418
NovaJehovah wrote: post #338

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'm not trying to say there's one right way to do things. But there are a lot of plainly wrong ways. If your parenting philosophy is not based on any research or learning about what's best for your child, but instead on what's easiest and most convenient for you , then you're probably doing it wrong. That doesn't mean you can't set boundaries for kids who are old enough to understand them. I think the way we discard…

Keep in mind that the research around this is very poor. It's in the realm of things where flipping a coin might be better.

Most of it is, but not all of it. My own conclusion (which is not the one I wanted to reach, believe me) was that when you throw out all the bad research, the evidence, while not conclusive, does clearly point more in one direction than the other.

Re: The unusual ways Western parents raise children

#428

Post by kkwteh »

leto_ii wrote: post #294
kkwteh wrote: post #47

From the perspective of the Lindy principle it is weird. I have an eighteen-month old child and have been reading a lot about child rearing since my wife got pregnant. It’s taboo to say this, and I’m sorry if this offends anyone, but I suspect that a lack of adult attention in the first three years of life is a principal factor in the rising autism rates we’re seeing in modern economies. This would explain why autism…

> This would explain why autism seems to “cluster” in upper class homes, where the parents work nonstop. This is an unexpected observation for me. Do you have any references you can point to? I would be interested in knowing more about this.

I got that from the Wikipedia article on the Epidemiology of autism, citation 78.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Epidemiology_of_autism#cite_no...

Re: The unusual ways Western parents raise children

#429

Post by achenatx »

I do whatever is most convenient for me. We slept with our babies until they were 3-4 months. I typically did all the nighttime stuff like changing diapers etc because I fall asleep so fast. I was never exhausted. They did breast feed, but I would put them in the right place while my wife slept, then when they were done would change the diaper.

When they started to sleep 5+ hours we moved them to their own room. We did let them cry, but I could easily tell if it was going to ramp down or if their crying was getting worse.

When she was 1 our oldest regressed and I slept in her room for a month so she wouldnt come wake us up. She regressed multiple times.

Our middle child never came down because he slept with his sister until he was about 4.

Our 5 year old has started coming down to wake me up 2-3 times at night. I told her to either sleep with her brother or sister and not to bother me (I do all nightime activities).

I found kids books incredibly boring so didnt read to my kids.

I hardly play kid games with my kids, though I do have them participate in things I like to do.

Im trying to give them independence as quickly as possible. We have a rule that the youngest person that can do a job has to do the job. So the youngest has to fetch things, while the oldest is starting to make meals and do laundry.

They only get internet from 6am-7am once they are ready for the day and in the evening once all their work is done. I have never had to wake any of them for school ever. If they complain about being bored they get to do chores.

I dont really use anyones' advice and would never feel shame or confusion about how to raise my children. I do see how many of our parents are scared to parent their kids.

Re: The unusual ways Western parents raise children

#430

Post by AndrewUnmuted »

andi999 wrote: post #31
AndrewUnmuted wrote: post #16

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's funny, human mothers have a unique trait through which they can identify the cries of their particular child, even at a playground where a lot of kids are making noise. Somehow, mothers are able to cut through all the din and identify the voice of their young child, at the exclusion of all others. Nature does so much to bring mothers closer to their young, yet fathers do not possess this "talent." In fact, we se…

Any sources? At least my experience tells differently.

Yes, I provide this in my follow-up reply to my comment. [0]

All humans have the capability to intricately form an aural bond with their own (and other) children if they have enough meaningful interactions with that child. But there is nonetheless a specific change brought about in women during their first pregnancy that gives them an advantage on this front, especially with their own children.

[0] https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=26254581

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