How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends? • Hacker News Board

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#411

Post by icody » Tue, Jun 17, 2014, 7:10 AM UTC

Bingo !!! Met someone like myself (few years ago). I can't read all the comments and don't know if someone might have already mentioned it. Being introvert is not bad (it's a sign of a Scientist or a total looser). And I am sure you are not the later one (You being a Software Engineer :). The only thing you need to do now is stop thinking about how others enjoy "Many people spend money for the people they don't like, buy stuff they don't want, and impress people they don't want to". Grab a beer on Friday night, I am sure you can find another introvert. On a good Saturday morning wake up, listen to Coldplay, play some games, go out for a movie @ 2 or 3, sit in a pub offering happy hours 5 PM onwards and come back to home. If you are still left with some energy continue the game you left in the morning. Wake up in hangover on a Sunday Morning. Watch unlimited videos on YouTube or 9gag.tv, it will make you feel there's still more retards out there in the world. End your Sunday night somehow and the wake up early in the morning on Monday and start studying (anything, anything you like. I would say learn statistics and probability). Do your job and come back to home. Repeat it on weekdays. But don't forget to plug in earphones all this time.

That would sound shitty, but I have inculcated it in myself and I would say "Being introvert is awesome !!!". Enjoy and stay away from phone when you sit in a pub :)

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#412

Post by Axsuul » Tue, Jun 17, 2014, 7:30 AM UTC

Build self-confidence before worrying about women. Get used to making strong eye contact. Learn to smile at every opportunity. Read some self-help books like No More Mr. Nice Guy and Models by Mark Manson. Definitely take up some hobbies that are outside of your comfort zone (something that doesn't involve fixing syntax errors!). Do dance classes make you cringe? Great, you should sign up for that immediately. Watch Yes Man, the movie. Go to the gym and start lifting. Practice meditating everyday for just 8 minutes. Look up rejection therapy, it's an app that gives you a challenge everyday to get rejected. Rejection is good, you'll learn to just accept it and realize that it's not a big deal after all which will allow you to overcome your fears, loosen up, not give a fuck, and live your life on your own terms. You don't have to do all these things at once. Pursue them one by one and I promise you that amazing things will happen to you.

You're asian, so am I. It's very likely that you were raised by parents who only cared about our academics and accomplishments. Unfortunately, we were never taught how to be in touch with our emotions and sexuality. You will never be truly happy until you learn to become comfortable with expressing yourself freely. So with that said, you need to get used to getting out of your head and not try to overthink everything. As nerds, geeks, and hackers, our strongest trait is our ability to analyze things on a very intricate level. But this is bad when it comes to relationships because connecting with another human being is none of that, especially with women, who are very much emotional creatures by design. It's great that you are speaking out about this issue, not many can. Never be afraid to show vulnerability. Good luck on your journey and please keep us updated!

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#413

Post by Axsuul » Tue, Jun 17, 2014, 8:04 AM UTC

nickfox wrote: post #388

I strongly, strongly recommend that you take up swing dancing. You do not need a partner and you do not need to know how to dance. I promise you that if you take a beginner class in lindy hop, it will be the most fun you have had in years. It's totally unintimidating. Lessons usually run for 6 weeks and you go once a week. Usually the teachers will have everyone form a big circle and you will rotate through partners.…

Great suggestion :)

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#414

Post by tripzilch » Tue, Jun 17, 2014, 8:54 AM UTC

saalweachter wrote: post #135

Here's my thoughts, as someone who's naturally shy, socially awkward (or maybe just plain weird), and loaded with anxiety issues. Start small. Don't try to make friends at first, just practice interacting with people. Ask totally random people questions you can Google. Is the 6 train running on time today? Is this the way to Market Street? Do you know a good coffee shop around here? Ask people in social situations pe…

> Ask people in social situations personal questions that aren't too personal. So what do you do? How long have you worked here / gone to school here / known Jim / lived here?

Great questions, except for the first one. It can be a way more personal thing to ask about than you might expect from such a simple (but very open) question. I personally dislike when people ask me that, because it makes me feel judged. I don't always want to talk about "what it is that I do".

Instead, try to find out about it in a more roundabout way, asking sideways questions (which lead to the most interesting side-topics anyhow), so people can decide to volunteer sharing what they are passionate about.

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#415

Post by laichzeit0 » Tue, Jun 17, 2014, 9:00 AM UTC

arbitrary wrote: post #165

I have felt the same in last 2-3 years working in UK. I am a female software engineer working in London and although I am happily married, I have no friends or social circle. It is difficult to hold a conversation (past the first few niceties) with someone who does not belong to your culture/share your background. To add to my woes, I am the only female in my department and am not comfortable to sit with all male col…

No offence but you sound pretty boring.

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#416

Post by tripzilch » Tue, Jun 17, 2014, 9:02 AM UTC

jenrzzz wrote: post #354

bshimmin wrote: post #160

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Some great advice! Getting into a routine of going to the same place seems like a real winner to me. Mastering small talk in England is incredibly easy. If the weather is inclement, talk about the weather. If the weather is clement, talk about the weather. If you get bored talking about the weather, talk about football (particularly apt right now). If you know nothing about football, either watch enough that you can…

"Did you see that ludicrous display last night?"

Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gWJIQm9qH-w (for people that don't know IT Crowd, go watch it, it's excellent, and not that many episodes were made)

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#417

Post by d3k » Tue, Jun 17, 2014, 9:02 AM UTC

mmaunder wrote: post #326

This will disappear in the noise but I sincerely hope it gets to you because experience has taught me it's true. Firstly, it sounds like you are prioritizing school/work above yourself. Remember that work and your education are a means to and end. That end is having a fulfilling life and finding happiness. Now, I don't know you so your goals may be different (e.g. you may seek spiritual enlightenment) but for most pe…

The parent comment is really a good advice. I really think that doing an activity in a group helps: when you get too shy you can comfortably hide in the group, when you want to talk you will have people with similar interests that will be keen to listen.

Now I am in my 30s, but when I was 24 I left my home country in Europe to work for an year and a half in the US, then moved again to another foreign country (UK). Work was great, but it was really difficult to meet new people, not to mention girls. My English wasn't good and I didn't know anybody apart from my colleagues. So I learned it the hard way: I enjoy photography and I got into a local flickr group. Doing photo walks allowed me to get in touch with different people with the same passion as me, without having to think too much as the way I used to speak. The "walks" allowed me also to walk by with one person at the time, avoiding the awkward moments when you are supposed to talk in a table where all the other people can talk easier than you. I also met a good bro who I still see quite often! And when bored, I could ask him if he wanted to go to the cinema, to have a beer or to see an art exhibition. Few years later we even got into talking to some girls in bars. That didn't go too far most of the time, but it helped the self esteem and I could feel better when talking to random people. I also started rowing (but you could try another team sport). It was a beginners' team, and even if I left it in the end I really think it boosted my confidence to hear the other guys support.

Also, I really think you can improve your English by watching TV and films. And learning to drive/having a car might inspire you to join interesting activities (my experience says that the US can be a difficult country to live in without a car).

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#418

Post by cabalamat » Tue, Jun 17, 2014, 9:51 AM UTC

atmosx wrote: post #364

cabalamat wrote: post #360

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> The ancient Greeks had a saying that is extremely deep, IMHO. It’s not absolute but goes a long way: “mens sana in corpore sano”. Are you sure they weren't Romans? Or maybe Greeks who spoke Latin.

Yeah I'm sure. I'm reciting the latin version because it's easier to read in English. The original version is: νοῦς ὑγιής ἐν σώματι ὑγιεῖ .

> I'm reciting the latin version because it's easier to read in English.

I suspect an English translation would be even easier for English speakers to read.

> The original version is: νοῦς ὑγιής ἐν σώματι ὑγιεῖ.

That's Greek to me!

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#419

Post by marincounty » Tue, Jun 17, 2014, 9:53 AM UTC

beat wrote: post #358

redmand wrote: post #343

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Like the OP, I find myself often wondering how people met, how they clicked, how they keep it going. With you describing your wife as very introverted, fearing interaction with new people (I could describe myself the same way) and describing yourself as an extrovert, how did you two meet, click, make it work? I find that with me being like your wife in that regard, I've had an extremely difficult time even meeting so…

Well, we've been together for 25 years now, married for 21. We met through a mutual friend (he was dating her at the time - we're both still friends with him, and see him somewhat regularly socially). It's just worked, over these long years of struggle, in part because we balance each other. Her social life revolves around a very short list of very close friends. The people she loves, she loves , and she's incredibly…

"But some people do make the effort, because she's incredibly intelligent, talented, and beautiful. The work is hard, but the reward is great. So how we started... well, we met and started dating. Apparently, I was attractive enough to get her past her fears to really reach out."

Why even leave the apartment for the Google bus?

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#420

Post by kbart » Tue, Jun 17, 2014, 10:29 AM UTC

I used to be like you (well, maybe except girls, never had problems with them) till the age of 24. Now, at the age of 28, I live pretty active social life and even managed to find few really close friends. The hardest part is the start, to meet these few key people that will get you going -- the rest is a snowball effect. That's no brainer of course, how is the important part. What I have done was making a simple rule to myself: "don't spend weekends at home!". I just kept going anywhere: concerts, exhibitions, events, bars.. basically where people are socializing. Try to overcome your fears and start some small talk: "did it start?", "how much is a ticket?", "what's worth seeing here?" etc. get some confidence in yourself first. After you can comfortably (more or less) ask random person a simple question, try to initiate a little chat. Being smart and intelligent really helps as people generally like chatting and discussing with such person, so you should be fine. There's always a small chance, while chatting with other people, that you will find something in common, something that might extend your acquaintance.