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My stages of learning to be a socially normal person

sashachapin.substack.com

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Re: My stages of learning to be a socially normal person

#411

Post by acuozzo »

eptcyka wrote: post #336
acuozzo wrote: post #96

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I have zero idea how to make small talk with people I haven't known for years. Forget small talk. Listen-- really listen --and engage with open ears. When it's your turn to talk, offer up an anecdote in reply if it's on topic or take the opportunity to pivot to a related topic you're passionate about. If you do the latter: do. not. info-dump. Give them a chance to play the game I just described to you from their si…

What if I don’t have it in me to listen? I want to savour my active listening capacity with the people I love, not everyone I interact with.

Nobody is compelling you to do anything, but there's no free lunch.

Re: My stages of learning to be a socially normal person

#412

Post by acuozzo »

moffkalast wrote: post #306
curiouscube wrote: post #292

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You perceive it that way because you aren't into snowboarding, tubing or experienced the blizzard of '96.

If only I'd experienced the blizzard of '96, the bedrock of all modern socialization.

FWIW: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/North_American_blizzard_of_199...

haha

Re: My stages of learning to be a socially normal person

#413

Post by acuozzo »

moffkalast wrote: post #290
writebetterc wrote: post #284

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The goal isn't to exchange facts, it's to bond.

Well I doubt I'm going to bond by being subjected to painful boredom, and neither will they. I've found it's so socially common to completely forget all of these things people tell you in small talk too, because I'd remember every one of these facts about the other person due to low frequency interactions, while they'll be like "I've never met this man in my life" the next time I talk to them and I can't help but fin…

> I doubt I'm going to bond by being subjected to painful boredom, and neither will they

Which is why it's important to surround yourself with likeminded folk.

Nobody is compelling you to do this with every single person you meet.

Re: My stages of learning to be a socially normal person

#414

Post by WolfeReader »

Thossndjsj wrote: post #297
WolfeReader wrote: post #141

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Neither horrified nor accepting. What you have is mental illness. A healthy brain does not decide to kill itself. Please get help and do NOT wait for your elderly relatives to pass before making the call.

And thus my point is illustrated. Few seem to believe that wanting to die is a valid state of mind without some sort of physical or psychological malady. And hence why as is often the point, being unique isn't a desired thing. Because most people don't want the frightening unfamiliarity.

Every organ in the body, when healthy, supports the life of the whole organism. The suicidal brain is not supporting the life of the organism; it is not healthy.

Get off of internet forums and seek medical help. Your loved ones would tell you the same thing.

Re: My stages of learning to be a socially normal person

#415

Post by lazide »

whstl wrote: post #389
lazide wrote: post #387

Earlier quoted context omitted.

What kind are you talking about? Refusing to be an asshole to someone being an asshole just enables them being an asshole. Refusing to judge if someone is being an asshole, ensures that someone being an asshole will see no consequences for being an asshole.

I'm criticizing being an asshole to people who are not naturally the way society expects and had to work their way through. But to be fair I'm mostly criticizing useless HN post-hoc rationalization. > Refusing to be an asshole to someone being an asshole just enables them being an asshole. I have nothing to do with this. > Refusing to judge if someone is being an asshole, ensures that someone being an asshole will se…

How is someone supposed to know that the person acting like an asshole is doing it because of some ‘good’ reason, or because they are just a jerk?

Re: My stages of learning to be a socially normal person

#416

Post by lazide »

whstl wrote: post #385
lazide wrote: post #382

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Says the person trying to rationalize away obviously common human behavior as not existing because it is bad? Or do you think anti-social assholes do not exist or are not common? Or that any system of identification of people should not attempt to understand them?

I'm not saying anywhere that those behaviors don't exist. I'm just saying that there is no game anywhere, except in the head of people who are pretending to play a game.

Huh?

Isn’t that…. Every game?

Re: My stages of learning to be a socially normal person

#417

Post by Slow_Hand »

pixl97 wrote: post #369
Slow_Hand wrote: post #197

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yes yes yes. You rarely need to DO anything other than listen. Just be a good listener. Maybe identify handles in what they're saying and then occasionally ask them about them: How did that make you feel? Wait, you did what? Why did you do that? What do you enjoy about that?

>You rarely need to DO anything other than listen There is a particular amount of risk here, this does set you up to interact with attention vacuums. People that will talk constantly without break nor desire to listen to what you have to say. Over any amount of time (weeks/months) a person that you can have a real two way conversation is needed.

In my experience such people are rare. You can always steer the conversation, give your input, tell them (nicely) to stop talking, or - if they're unwilling to take the hint - walk away.

Re: My stages of learning to be a socially normal person

#418

Post by fallingfrog »

The drummer in my band was the type of person who become anybody's friend in a few minutes. I watched him and gleaned this advice:

When you meet someone, your goal should be to get a little look into their inner world. Find out what they care about. And second, be genuinely interested but don't judge. It shouldn't be fake, you should really care. Pay attention to what they say.

This works pretty well for getting to know a person.

Re: My stages of learning to be a socially normal person

#419

Post by MichaelZuo »

whstl wrote: post #374
MichaelZuo wrote: post #367

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Someone having one consciously developed ulterior motive… does increases the likelihood of them having other consciously developed ulterior motives that might be hidden away? The linkage isn’t as strong for unconsciously or subconsciously developed ulterior motives. Hence the huge gap in how people behave towards that.

Calling it "ulterior motive" is already a judgement call. Being better at socialization is virtually demanded by society. "Not looking good" is also punished. There is nothing ulterior about anything. The fact that a certain chunk of society demands both perfection and authenticity already makes it necessary for people to not be transparent about such things.

By definition all discussion about opinions, perceptions, etc., are judgement calls…?

Re: My stages of learning to be a socially normal person

#420

Post by arafalov »

looperhacks wrote: post #388
acuozzo wrote: post #96

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I have zero idea how to make small talk with people I haven't known for years. Forget small talk. Listen-- really listen --and engage with open ears. When it's your turn to talk, offer up an anecdote in reply if it's on topic or take the opportunity to pivot to a related topic you're passionate about. If you do the latter: do. not. info-dump. Give them a chance to play the game I just described to you from their si…

As someone who really struggled with social interactions (and still does at times, just not as bad), this fails already at the first two steps: > Listen-- really listen --and engage with open ears How do I understand what is important? People say a lot of stuff, some important parts and some parts that are beside the point. Talking also involves identifying and reacting to the "important" bits, picking up the "wrong"…

Try Improv (comedy) classes. They sell them as something to do on stage, but the real advantage is pattern building around social interactions.

First, you will stop being afraid to say the wrong thing. Then, you will start to hear the important part in what they said. Then, you will start to hear the part they did NOT say or super-interesting bit they skimmed over because it is not interesting to them FINALLY (at least so far for me and with other training), you will start feeling the tension in the conversation, the good time to interrupt and the time to pivot the topic.

Think Dreyfus model of skill acquisition, but in a free-to-fail environment. This, incidentally, may be the reason why I LIKE when there is low audience for the shows I do. Because, then it is really just my personal/group practice.

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