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Why young parents should focus on building trust with their kids

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Re: Why young parents should focus on building trust with their kids

#401

Post by silisili »

pmarreck wrote: post #383
silisili wrote: post #33

I feel like this article is good, on the verge of great, then makes cultural comments that invalidate the point trying to be made for no real reason. Like the race or location of the parent determines their childhood? The rest is spot on. I became a parent before I was ready, and man, they are little sponges. They learn everything you do, everything you say, embarrassingly so. My 5 year old would lay on the couch to…

> Like the race or location If all you have is a racism hammer, everything looks like a racist screed I guess. The only point I saw made is that cultures matter. There should be nothing wrong with that. You're reading malevolence into it. Stop that, please.

I've really tried to stop replying to every bait reply, because I don't think long arguments are productive or that we'll reach a middle ground.

But this for some reason struck a nerve. I never claimed racism at all?

"It's not racism, it's culture" is literally a white supremacist talking point. To be clear, I'm not accusing you of that.

My claim is that you can't make country wide generalizations, and yes, attempting to do so by culture is doing so by race. I'd bet if I brought up how foreigners in Japan score on tests, you'd then claim it's not real Japanese. Because you meant ethnic Japanese people.

But that's way, way harder in the US. Is it white culture, that doesn't really exist? Would you be surprised to learn that most people born in the US today are not white? Is 'American culture' the hispanic immigrant family getting by in Fresno? Or is the the Indian spelling bee winner from Virginia? Or is it the white farmer kid from Nebraska? Or the black inner city kid in Chicago? At some point you have to pick one, they have little 'culture' in common. But I'm not asking anyone to pick one, or defending any race. I'm saying such generalizations are stupid.

Culture pretty heavily implies race, perhaps not location, unless one pretends to be race blind.

Re: Why young parents should focus on building trust with their kids

#402

Post by silisili »

eszed wrote: post #212
silisili wrote: post #77

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I have a ton myself that my Dad would say but couldn't explain, so I don't use them as much. Two notable examples... 'What do you want, a Dewey button?' as a sarcastic way of saying 'who cares.' He didn't know why. Google says it's probably related to Thomas Dewey. 'Kitty bar the door.' An expression to mean he was going to go all out. He didn't know who kitty was or why he said it. I still have no idea its real etym…

You may not have been able to find that saying because its more-usual version is "Katy, bar the door": https://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/katy-bar-the-door.html

Thanks, this completely tracks as he's infamous for mispronunciations and mixed idioms.

Sadly, even clicking both links and a cursory Google search, nobody really knows where 'Katy bar the door' came from, either.

Re: Why young parents should focus on building trust with their kids

#403

Post by silisili »

xedrac wrote: post #248
silisili wrote: post #66

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I reject that premise. It's completely fine to point out societal norms. Neither were particularly offensive. But assuming a Japanese child will have patience where an American will not is the same weird thought that leads to weird guys wanting Japanese wives for 'obedience.' I'm not at all against pointing out or even flexing cultural differences, but they don't matter at all when raising a child(other than of cours…

I have a math brain as well. But I also have 5 kids, and despite my teaching them very similarly, one of those kids cannot do math at all, another is average, and the remaining three are brilliant at it.

So you are saying that making a claim about math ability by culture, in this case your family's specific culture, is inaccurate.

I'm saying the same thing, applied to a wider level.

Re: Why young parents should focus on building trust with their kids

#404

Post by scotty79 »

DiscourseFan wrote: post #349
scotty79 wrote: post #318

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> we all know he's a kook! I still don't know what's the holdup then. Freud constructed narratives as we all do but his were deranged so why bother even mention him as anything other than the butt of the joke?

That you react so strongly is the proof that they touched a nerve. They could be kooky stories that you just forgot about, instead you’re incensed any time anyone mentions him. Why do so many people care about it? That’s the trick.

I'm offended by Freudian narratives in general. They are offensive because of their stupidity. If they were constructed about any other domain they'd be immediately recognizable as deranged to anyone. I'm not sure why supposedly knowledgeable people like psychologists have blind spot for them. For me they sound like "are you sure you wouldn't rather spread toothpaste on your toast instead of butter?" (and the cook nods his head thoughtfully), "does your fifth leg hurt a lot?" (and the medic ponders profundity of that possibility).

I don't know what the trick is but surely there's some trick. It's like a trick that prevents people from immediately recognizing Trump for who he is. A blind spot for obvious derangement.

I just don't understand how can people lack such basic intuitive understanding of psychology to think than any Freudian narrative "might have a point" and still function as a person.

Re: Why young parents should focus on building trust with their kids

#405

Post by bluGill »

aqueueaqueue wrote: post #357
bluGill wrote: post #243

Earlier quoted context omitted.

What different does it make? My kids are rarely allowed screens, but they read in excess. They often get into trouble at school because after we go to bed thinking they are asleep they read a book - then the lack of sleep shows up in their behavior.

A screen is way more addictive because of the other distractions and apps.

Does it matter? They are addicted to paper books in ways that is harmful to other parts of their life.

Re: Why young parents should focus on building trust with their kids

#406

Post by marcusverus »

redcobra762 wrote: post #398
marcusverus wrote: post #397

Earlier quoted context omitted.

These are awful sources, and they clearly aren't scientific, but are expressions of opinion. Wish casting, even. They're playing the old cynical same word games that are required to hold this position: "Modern genetics has established that the biological basis of most phenotypic traits typically associated with race, such as skin color and hair texture, has demonstrated that they transcend ancestry across vast geogra…

The NIH is not a scientific source? The Human Genome Project isn't a scientific source? The journal literally called Science? Duke University? Science Direct? The American Medical Association? The Experimental Physiology Journal? That's a tough thing to read on HN, I have to be honest.

The NIH site is hosting an editorial. An editorial from what appears to be the journal of Female Pelvic Medicine & Reconstructive Surgery. No, it is not a valid source in support of your claim. The fact that you not only shared it but defended it, purely based on the hosting URL, is... revealing.

How can you cite the human genome project as evidence of the supposed a-biological nature of race? How is it possible that you can believe this, while also understanding that 23andMe can not only tell your ancestors continent of origin (a rough analog for race), but their specific region?

If you bothered to read these articles critically (instead of turning off your brain in response to a specious appeal to authority) you would see that they don't even deny that racial populations are genetically distinct. They are discernible in purely biological terms, which by definition makes them biological. The desire to present race as non-biological is purely political/ethical and not scientific, is why their arguments stoop to semantic games and emotional appeals.

You won't actually respond to the substance of my comment, because you don't want to think about this topic. I get it. It's deeply taboo, and we are hardwired not to question taboos. Think about it anyway!

Re: Why young parents should focus on building trust with their kids

#407

Post by edferda »

aucisson_masque wrote: post #312
edferda wrote: post #142

I don’t have kids. However, this same concept can be applied, and verified, with dogs. I have made it a rule to never deceive my dog, and she trusts me because it. If I pick up her water bowl to refill and clean it while she is in the middle of drinking, I make it a point to always give it back with fresh water. I have several water bowls around the house , and the one in my room only gets refilled when I see she is…

A dog isn't a kid obviously, the dog you leave him outside of the home once you're done and it requires maybe 30 minutes of attention a day. a kid, it's constant attention. > I will make sure that what I communicate (either verbally or non-verbally) is congruent with my actions. I believe that this, is the surest way to build trust. Everyone think that way during the beginning, until having an hour of free time durin…

I have found that it’s way more effective to reward good behavior than to punish bad behavior.

Rewarding good behavior takes more effort than punishment though. It requires more patience because you don’t immediately see the results of your actions. Over time, they add up.

And I totally understand this. I have gotten angry at my dog , and I have shouted at her. However, after some reflection, the situation is always caused by some fault of my own. After all, I am the highly intelligent being, and I should know better. But it’s easier to shout than to critically examine your own behavior.

But hey, we can totally disagree on this. I think that hitting beings (either animals or humans) is not correct. Clearly, you think otherwise. You’re entitled to your opinion. Even if I think it is not morally correct.

I would encourage you to think about whether that’s a belief you acquired by your own means or just something you believe because you were hit yourself.

Have you consistently tried to discipline with positive reinforcement? Have you found it to be ineffective? Have you consulted with professionals? Maybe you have. Maybe not.

Sometimes we do things just because that’s how we grew up and not really because we believe in them. That’s how we end up in these never ending violence cycles. But it only takes one brave, and introspective, person to stop :)

Re: Why young parents should focus on building trust with their kids

#408

Post by rusk »

watwut wrote: post #384
DiscourseFan wrote: post #283

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Found one! But seriously, if you don't like Freud, you're going to have to come up with a better response than just saying he's a kook; we all know he's a kook! A) Talk therapy was the mode invented by Freud and is still the dominant modality of psychotherapy today, and B) While you didn't mention it but, at the time, Cocaine was in common use as a near magical local anaesthetic and from it we derive procaine, lidoca…

None of that implies that it would make sense to actually do Freud based psychoanalysis today or that some 50% of psychologists do. All of that are historical achievements of severely outdated theories. Outdated, because they were shown wrong and discredited. It is not easy to do psychology as a science, it is way less precise and less measurable then comfortable to geeks here. But it did made massive progress in bet…

The important thing to remember about Freud is that, at least compared to the base case, it gets results. From the pragmatic aspect of psychology this presents something worthy of study. My mature take on Freud is that all the cookie wierdness derived from the fact that he was trying to get people do discuss their trauma - without discussing the specifics of their trauma

We understand “shame” well enough and the principle of “unconditional positive regard” is central to much of modern talk therapy.

It’s important to understudy that 200 years ago people viewed sexuality very differently and even the notion of what is and is not sexually apporiate was not widely discussed.

Freud operated in less illuminated times than ours and it was necessary for him to operate in code to deliver his therapy. It is my reading of history that he got close to things in doing this that powerful people didn’t want and this is what led to the widespread attempts to discredit him.

Re: Why young parents should focus on building trust with their kids

#409

Post by rusk »

wincy wrote: post #299
DiscourseFan wrote: post #284

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Except the incest taboo, which is not culturally dependent.

I don’t know, I read a Pakistan Today article where a doctor said cousin marriage is no big deal as it “only” causes defects in 2% of cases. Interestingly, this article is now impossible to find on Google. You can find a dozen news articles of people in the UK arguing about this. Hopefully the discourse is shifting, but a culture can be dysfunctional (like allowing first cousin or even worse double first cousin marri…

Pretty sure I could find cousins marrying in Arkansas. No need to go to Pakistan. Ugly though it may be, it’s not big-I incest.

Re: Why young parents should focus on building trust with their kids

#410

Post by rusk »

TheAlchemist wrote: post #166

"Another thing I’ve noticed is how much modeling matters. My daughter watches everything I do. If I tell her to wait and then lose my patience two seconds later because the internet is slow, what’s the lesson there?" As a father of 3 kids, I can confirm 100% this is true. Once you understand that, your life changes completely. You realize there is somebody in this world, who will model their life after yours. What ki…

There’s a point where you realise you are now supporting cast in the movie of your life.
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