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Never waste a midlife crisis

austinkleon.com

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Re: Never waste a midlife crisis

#401

Post by compiler-guy »

ryandrake wrote: post #46
xyzelement wrote: post #2

I wonder if the mid life crisis is a completely modern and secular malady. Thinking to my religious friends who have 5+ kids, a rich spiritual life and deep engagement with community, it's very hard to imagine them going through one. Because they are too busy, but mainly because their life is oriented from the get-go around what is very meaningful to them

Nearing-50, non-religious person checking in here: I don't think it has much to do with religion or non-religion. I must be really lucky or really privileged because I haven't had even a hint of "crisis" that I can remember. Knock on wood that I don't catch it somewhere. Isn't the common denominator of a midlife crisis a yearning for the past? Overwhelming nostalgia? Dad buying a sports car so he can pretend to be 20…

Dads often buy sportscars around fifty or so not to pretend they are twenty and hot again, but because they are finally in a position to do so. Finances mostly in order, kids are leaving the nest and seem to be doing OK.

So you see that car you have always wanted but never bought because it's impractical and expensive and say to yourself, "I don't need four seats any more, and I do have the money if I'm careful. Why not? I've always wanted it."

Of course some folks do this irresponsibly, but it doesn't have to be a fantasy about pretending to be something you used to be. Just now you can, when before you couldn't.

Re: Never waste a midlife crisis

#402

Post by dmje »

sanderjd wrote: post #372
dmje wrote: post #233

My midlife crisis at 40 was more like a midlife epiphany. We moved from a perfectly good and totally beautiful city (Bath, UK) into the arse end of nowhere in Devon to live in a shack in the woods with no running water and to be near the sea. We went with two small (8 and 5) kids (responding to those here saying it's not possible - it is!) and downsized from a busy city life to a quiet rural one. Our intention was to…

A couple questions if you're willing to indulge: - What about friends and family? Are you further from or closer to family? Did you have friends nearby? Did your kids? What is your familial and social circle now, compared with then? - What about school?

Sure - well, my wife is from the North East so her parents are problematic from a travel point of view, and definitely worse now given that we don't have easy access to trains / airports now. We've mitigated this by having them come to stay for longer periods of time so it's good that I get on with them :-)

We didn't have any friends at all down here when we first moved. The village was extremely welcoming, and in large part (as ever) the kids going to (a small and friendly) school massively helped to build some initial connections, many of which continue to this day.

We now have a really nice circle - people round these parts are very much not obsessed with work in the way we've found with other places we've lived, which is a bonus for us. Lots of variety in what people do with their leisure time, lots of home workers, and in general people seem more relaxed.

Massive downside about our particular part of the world is the terrible lack of diversity. We also miss bits of city culture and have to travel now to go get our culture / food / music - but we find we can sort of "top up" on a monthly basis and then run back to the sea feeling refreshed :-)

Re: Never waste a midlife crisis

#403

Post by dmje »

darkclouds wrote: post #341
dmje wrote: post #233

My midlife crisis at 40 was more like a midlife epiphany. We moved from a perfectly good and totally beautiful city (Bath, UK) into the arse end of nowhere in Devon to live in a shack in the woods with no running water and to be near the sea. We went with two small (8 and 5) kids (responding to those here saying it's not possible - it is!) and downsized from a busy city life to a quiet rural one. Our intention was to…

> Right. I'm off for a surf :-) What beach, you must be on a foamie considering todays conditions?

Yeh, it's awful, I ended up just having a little dip instead :-)

Re: Never waste a midlife crisis

#404

Post by throw9away6 »

mattgreenrocks wrote: post #344
hackly wrote: post #202

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yes, but just as they’d prefer playing video games over reading books. Might have been absent from their life at times, but I’m sure they’ll appreciate the properties and stocks I’ll leave behind for them.

This is a bit of a meme recently: “I am not a workaholic, I’m creating generational wealth!” I can’t say for sure from here, but beware of this idea floating around in the zeitgeist.

And your kid will blow that generational wealth because that’s life and wealth rarely lasts more than 3 generations

Re: Never waste a midlife crisis

#405

Post by dmje »

htamas wrote: post #280
dmje wrote: post #233

My midlife crisis at 40 was more like a midlife epiphany. We moved from a perfectly good and totally beautiful city (Bath, UK) into the arse end of nowhere in Devon to live in a shack in the woods with no running water and to be near the sea. We went with two small (8 and 5) kids (responding to those here saying it's not possible - it is!) and downsized from a busy city life to a quiet rural one. Our intention was to…

Can I ask what are you and your wife working with now?

Yeh, we run a small web consultancy. I also have another business which is a little more platform-y / SaaSy. Wife has also learned how to be a florist so is building that up too. All fun stuff :-)

Re: Never waste a midlife crisis

#406

Post by throw9away6 »

steve_taylor wrote: post #118
boringg wrote: post #72

Earlier quoted context omitted.

True but if you make a decision that makes you a bitter adult then they have to live with that as well - as a role model for your kids no less. No easy answers unfortunately.

Fulfilment doesn’t feed your children or put a roof over their heads. The expectation is that men provide. The wife and kids would prefer a bitter provider over a happy “deadbeat”.

Actually it’s not. The expectation is that men do their half and also provide emotional support. The problem is that many omen don’t do either of those and few so both well. Instead many men try to compensate with wealth and fail.

Re: Never waste a midlife crisis

#407

Post by throw9away6 »

snek_case wrote: post #173
ip26 wrote: post #154

Earlier quoted context omitted.

There are 12% more men than women there. This might not sound bad, but remember 37% of people in CA are already married…

It's also become very trendy to be "polyamorous" over there. I think part of it sort of fits with the culture where there are a lot of people constantly arriving in and leaving the city, and even people making a lot of money have to have roommates because housing is so expensive. It means there aren't a lot of people looking for anything long-term.

Sounds like it also means a few males get all the females, so odds are even worse.

Re: Never waste a midlife crisis

#408

Post by ctrlp »

Aeolos wrote: post #389
soligern wrote: post #348

Earlier quoted context omitted.

We’re not idiots , just people with communities and appropriate support structures in place that people like you threw out the window on the altar of individualism and shortsightedness. Modern therapists turn around and attack the same ideas that enable people to have and maintain those communities and structures in the first place while leading broken lives and peddling their sorry wares to other broken people they…

Have you ever talked to a professional therapist or are you talking out of your own ignorance? While you are certainly entitled to your opinion, almost every single word of what you said is wrong. Readers beware.

he said, offering his own opinion without evidence...

Re: Never waste a midlife crisis

#409

Post by 93po »

jodacola wrote: post #364
selestify wrote: post #222

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That sounds incredible, thanks for sharing! Do you have any advice on connecting to yourself and living that connection?

I believe it differs dramatically for each person. What works for me may not work for anyone else. Here's what is working well for me: * Taking long walks on trails, without my phone or podcasts. * Tending my little garden. * Meditating. Not some prescribed formula, but something I sort of "fell into." However, some common meditative tools have proved very useful: body scans and breath work. * Being deeply curious ab…

I'm mid 30s and recently quit my job due to burnout and a sort-of-MLC I guess. A lifetime of insecurity, bad habits, and self-deception caught up with me in a big way. But I'm grateful for it, because part of what you said:

> The tricky part is that I don't believe any of this would work for someone else if they just tried to go through the motions of it.

...I find to be very true. I rarely see people capable of making change in their life without hitting some sort of breaking point or critical mass of dysfunction. Stuff blowing up in my life (to my credit, it was at my choice, rather than being forced) is the only reason I've been able to do much of what you're describing.

It really all starts with awareness, as you describe. Having the mental and emotional bandwidth to sit with your feelings instead of trying to distract yourself from them. Unlearning a lifetime of bad habits that were built to distract and soothe - constantly checking phone, wasting time browsing online, subjecting yourself to material online that only harms or frustrates you, dealing with codependency by jumping between relationships, the list goes on.

Awareness leads to an ability to analyze, which leads to an ability to change. It's unfortunate the growth I've had in the past several months is the same growth I saw some kids in high school already go through, but they had the benefit of either better mental health or (more likely) the right home environment that fostered that growth from a very young age. I had a home environment that punished this style of growth.

I hope your daughter is doing better. I was also hospitalized around the same age for the same reason (a few years older). I didn't realize it at the time, but the hospitalization was very traumatic (and massively fucked up looking back on it as an adult, some of those adults working there should be in prison), and that trauma shaped my life pretty strongly for decades.

Re: Never waste a midlife crisis

#410

Post by ctrlp »

deniscepko2 wrote: post #329
ctrlp wrote: post #125

Earlier quoted context omitted.

[flagged]

Anecdotal: but all of the psychology students i've met were far from being stable and had serious issues of their own. But its just my own experience and a stereotype i have now

where there's smoke, there's fire
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