He's hit the nail on the head - systemd's fundamental design is not appropriate for the server environment: "I have to provide a system that runs reliably and can easily be reasoned about and yet I have to build it on distributions created by people who consider how long it takes to get to the fucking GDM login screen and if shutting the laptop lid will cause the system to hibernate properly or not."
Why do you "have to" build it on those distros? Why not use a server distro that doesn't even have X let alone GDM?
I do not want parallel non-deterministic booting on a server. If it works I don't care because I don't reboot daily/hourly/for fun. Its a linux box not Windows. If it doesn't work then non-deterministic behavior makes race conditions and error messages very confusing.
There is an inherent architectural / philosophical violation where flexibility is considered "unix"ish yet it is forbidden under systemd domination. If you disagree with the above paragraph for init system on a server, thats OK, I think someone with that has the wrong opinion but I respect an honest disagreement. Under a unix-ish philosophy there have been about ten alt-inits over the past couple decades that'll parallel / non-deterministic init, so go ahead friend, more power to you, give one a try until your fingers get burnt. Sysvinit (or BSDs init) will be waiting for you when you return. This flexibility, this compatibility, is philosophically forbidden under systemd.
You will do it the systemd way, because we won the political battle, not for technical reasons (god knows systemd is not the first attempt at this architecture). Or you will be forced to leave. Well OK then. The future is looking very freebsd to me. So long and thanks for all the fish!