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How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

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Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#41
post #25

A few thoughts coming from a guy who used to be a shy introvert. - Making friends involves truly connecting with people. Connecting with people means caring about them. The first step is to give a damn about everyone around you. How are they doing? What do they care about? What makes them tick? What problems might they be having? - People love to talk about themselves. Ask them good questions, and actively listen (be…

I think this is the best comment here.

Be open, generous and helpful. Care about other people and show genuine interest in their lives, don't dismiss them just because they might fulfill some of your stereotypes (hipster / jog / bimbo / ...).

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#42
Do not try to be someone you are not. Keep being yourself and have an open mind when other people try to engage with you. I had to move around a lot of times as a foreign student in the U.S. and always wondered what would be the best way to become friends with new people. I think it's more important to respond well than going around places looking for people you can talk to.

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#43

Making friends is incredibly difficult once one is an adult, so I won't offer advice on that. But you mention that your English is not at conversational level. Therefore any attempt to make friends will be doomed before you evrn start. You need to take English classes.

hmm, taking a class is a really bad way to learn conversation-centric language skills.

for anyone here learning a language, check out:

http://www.fluentin3months.com/

The TLDR on that site (and his book) is basically conversational practise (anywhere you can get it) is much much more important than lessons, which are too different from how our brains are designed to learn languages (which is by usage, not grammar rules.) I would say that this is especially true for someone who can already write as the OP can, but just has trouble with confidence in talking to people in person.

The key lesson for OP from FI3M, is that people are very infrequently angry with you for speaking their language wrong. English speakers may have more of a sense of entitlement than speakers of other languages (dominant culture, etc) but in general people will do their best to communicate, however slowly (assuming you catch them in a situation where they have time.) A good way to do this is meeting someone for coffee explicitly to practise English. Either they can learn your language in return, or you buy them the coffee, obviously! :)

(edit: situations where you can do this! You could always "buy an English lesson" from someone, I suppose. You could also arrange to meet someone you met at an English class on a different evening, in order to practise together, especially if your only common language is English.)

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#45
post #25

A few thoughts coming from a guy who used to be a shy introvert. - Making friends involves truly connecting with people. Connecting with people means caring about them. The first step is to give a damn about everyone around you. How are they doing? What do they care about? What makes them tick? What problems might they be having? - People love to talk about themselves. Ask them good questions, and actively listen (be…

I disagree. I have done years of volunteer work/helping other people and it does not help one bit with being social (it's not why I do it, so I don't care about that supposed dimension). Plus, there are plenty of terrible people who wouldn't consider doing anything except for their own self-interest who are just fine at being social.

Totally orthogonal considerations. Sorry, don't mean to be cynical - I strongly encourage doing good things for other people for their own sets of rewards - but advertising this as a way to help out the OP's issues being social will not help and may deepen a sense of entitlement and frustration.

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#46

Making friends is incredibly difficult once one is an adult, so I won't offer advice on that. But you mention that your English is not at conversational level. Therefore any attempt to make friends will be doomed before you evrn start. You need to take English classes.

Having conversations with people is a great way to learn, and also make friends. People love an accent and odd phrasing. Just keep talking to people.

Do some group sports. Yoga, dancing, skateboarding, table tennis, whatever. Go to clubs, or bars where people talk. Introduce yourself to people. Eventually, when you keep going back you'll make some friends.

Are you into music or art? Why not go and see some shows? Or take a life drawing class or some such. Maybe start collecting records, or join a photography group.

Don't talk about your job with people. There is nothing people find more boring.

Keep getting out there, and have fun :)

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#47
Since you said you have NO friends to spend time with on weekends, and language is one of the (or the biggest) barrier(s), why don't you start with making some friends who speak the same language as you do? I'm sure those friends would further have friends who'd speak different languages. It's awkward to go to some stranger and say you want to initiate friendship, but when people introduce you to others, it's a lot smoother and normal. Slowly, you might have people of multiple nationalities and languages in your group, and you'd be comfortable with all of them. Good luck!

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#49
post #25

A few thoughts coming from a guy who used to be a shy introvert. - Making friends involves truly connecting with people. Connecting with people means caring about them. The first step is to give a damn about everyone around you. How are they doing? What do they care about? What makes them tick? What problems might they be having? - People love to talk about themselves. Ask them good questions, and actively listen (be…

I disagree. I have done years of volunteer work/helping other people and it does not help one bit with being social (it's not why I do it, so I don't care about that supposed dimension). Plus, there are plenty of terrible people who wouldn't consider doing anything except for their own self-interest who are just fine at being social. Totally orthogonal considerations. Sorry, don't mean to be cynical - I strongly enco…

Friendship is a two-way street. If you learn someone is terrible, you can choose not to be friends with them.

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#50
I'd highly recommend doing two things in parallel.

1. Read How to win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.

2. Try to talk to someone new every day.

On item 1 - I promise that it's not as lame as the title makes it sound. If you internalize the core advice behind this book it will drastically improve your life and it will make you a better person.

On item 2 - don't go overboard with this. There's no need to go outside of your comfort zone. Instead just try stretching it a little. To get started don't walk up to people out of the blue and just start talking to them. Instead if you happen to be near someone, just make some observational remark to them and see how it plays out. Or alternatively if you're wondering about something, ask the person next to you. The goal shouldn't be to befriend every stranger you meet - but instead to have a very short chat and move on with your day. I recommend doing this while reading that book because it'll give you a chance to experience and observe some (most) of the things he talks about.

Finally, you mentioned wanting to meet some ladies. Assuming that you mean you're looking to "play the long game" and find someone to settled down with, I'd strongly advise actually playing the long game. Don't make meeting women the focus of your social life. Instead focus on making substantiative friendships first and the relationship thing will sort itself out without much effort. That said, don't be too selective as far as gender goes. Don't avoid hanging out with guys because you think you won't meet girls, and definitely don't be that guy who only befriends girls just because you want to date them. If you do befriend a girl who you'd rather be dating, be honest with yourself and her as to what your intentions are. Remember that friendships aren't leverage and you'll do fine.

Edit:

One last thing... I'm not sure that this will help any, but language is really tricky. I'm an American living in New Zealand. I'm sure my language issues pale in comparison, but I am constantly second-guessing myself. It's not that I'm worried that people won't understand me, it's that I'd rather communicate in a way that's natural to the people who are listening to me -- I'm sure you can relate. What I'd say is that while there are a whole host of issues due to you being a non-native English speaker, there are a lot more issues that come from you being in a different country. Personally I'd advise focusing on the latter type of differences (they're more fun to me, anyway), and the language differences will follow. In turn, discussing those kinds of things with people is a great way to make friends.

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