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The 33-year-old virgin: Life without sex is only torturous if you let it be

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Re: The 33-year-old virgin: Life without sex is only torturous if you let it be

#41

Post by neolefty »

nybblet wrote: post #28

The article is too hard to analyze in terms of actionable advice, so to speak---too many factors that confound analysis of the author's position---but these comments are fascinating. It seems that to many people, sex is just a way to pleasure themselves, or just a status symbol. And if their partners are fine with that, then by all means they should indulge. Some other people, though, don't want to use other people j…

It's only somewhat exciting, but it's his life, and I think it represents an unusual contrast: He's sexually un-accomplished (a virgin at 33) but also creatively accomplished (a successful comic & scriptwriter). That contrast, plus the candid description of his life and good writing, make it accessible and appealing.

Disclaimer: I also love /r/mildlyinteresting

Re: The 33-year-old virgin: Life without sex is only torturous if you let it be

#42

Post by nybblet »

neolefty wrote: post #41
nybblet wrote: post #28

The article is too hard to analyze in terms of actionable advice, so to speak---too many factors that confound analysis of the author's position---but these comments are fascinating. It seems that to many people, sex is just a way to pleasure themselves, or just a status symbol. And if their partners are fine with that, then by all means they should indulge. Some other people, though, don't want to use other people j…

It's only somewhat exciting, but it's his life, and I think it represents an unusual contrast: He's sexually un-accomplished (a virgin at 33) but also creatively accomplished (a successful comic & scriptwriter). That contrast, plus the candid description of his life and good writing, make it accessible and appealing. Disclaimer: I also love /r/mildlyinteresting

True enough; I meant conditioned on the slant many of the comments were taking, which was certainly not made clear in my comment---apologies.

Re: The 33-year-old virgin: Life without sex is only torturous if you let it be

#44

Post by Jtsummers »

> I’ve seen women I liked sleep with my friends behind my back. In fact one did that on my 22nd birthday. I was depressed as hell the next day.

If I could I'd ask this guy some questions: Did you ever ask any of these women out? Did your friend know your interest was more than a simple crush? If the answer to either of these questions is no, then one or both of those individuals are faultless here. And if the answer is yes, did she reject you already? Did he let you know that he, too, was interested in her? Then you needed to consider moving on or moving in faster (and possibly being rejected, but that's life).

Folks, if you're in this or a similar situation (years of chastity and no relationships, if not virginity) then just consider what you're doing. Do you ever express your interest? Do you shy away from the one you're interested in when you finally happen to be seated at dinner next to them? Take that time to get to know them. Then ask them out. If they say no, move on. It's not easy, and it's not instant, but it has to be done for your own mental health. Please do not get hung up on someone for years, look around you. If you're a decent person someone is interested in you. Pay attention. Do they laugh at your stupid jokes? Do they, a non-technical person, find your interest in math fascinating? Are they always trying to go to the same things you do, asking to carpool? Realize, you probably do the same thing with the person you have a crush on. If you can't find them in your current social circle, expand it. Start going to trivia at a local sports bar. Talk to the other teams, be friendly, get to know more people. Go play a team sport. Host parties, go to parties.

But, if you follow the other advice in this thread to just get laid, try not to get too heady about it. Realize that if it takes you just a few days or a few hours from meeting someone to sleeping with them, it's probably not going to be longterm. Let that experience happen and clear your head and get out there.

Re: The 33-year-old virgin: Life without sex is only torturous if you let it be

#45

Post by ams6110 »

dnautics wrote: post #35
34yearold wrote: post #24

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I am a 34-year old male virgin. There's nothing bad about this. You guys make way too big a deal about it. I always here people talk about sex like they'll die without it, but it's just not that important.

well, society sells sex as an "important part of your balanced healthy life". Ergo, if you're not getting it, there must be something wrong with you.

Conversely they tell us to spay and neuter our pets because they will be healthier without sex.

Re: The 33-year-old virgin: Life without sex is only torturous if you let it be

#47

Post by SoDisposable »

34yearold wrote: post #27
haberdash wrote: post #16

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Throwaway. Correct for part. I'm in a similar situation, but only 28. Five years to go. Twelve to a movie. In my mind—and this is entirely anecdotal—sex and relationships are merely a checkpoint for the life of a person. It's nothing more than a signifier, of which people place a negative connotation on being a virgin. I'm not here by choice, but by inability to progress against these signifiers. While I agree with y…

Also on a throwaway with only six years until the movie. I never understood why people make such a big deal over this. It's far more important to me to have it be the right person and time than to do it just because everybody else says you should. I'm fully cognizant of the fact that the right person and the right time may never come. I'm okay with that.

Throwaway; I'm 14 years away from the movie and I couldn't agree more with this point. I still have yet to have sex, any physical relations (cuddling, holding hands etc), have a girlfriend, or really feel real emotional attraction towards another person in a romantic capacity (as I understand it), and yet I feel perfectly fulfilled and don't at all question my masculinity. I used to get upset about not having a gf / being a virgin, but then I realized that my emotions were mostly driven by a desire to conform to some arbitrary social metric of success. Once I realized that, I stopped caring and have been far happier, less stressed, and more social.

Re: The 33-year-old virgin: Life without sex is only torturous if you let it be

#48

Post by throwmeaway001 »

haberdash wrote: post #33
34yearold wrote: post #27

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Also on a throwaway with only six years until the movie. I never understood why people make such a big deal over this. It's far more important to me to have it be the right person and time than to do it just because everybody else says you should. I'm fully cognizant of the fact that the right person and the right time may never come. I'm okay with that.

We're chasing each other's posts. I find it interesting you're interested looking for the correct situation. Have you turned down prior situations where it didn't meet what you were looking for? I'm quite a bit more broken than an average person—I don't think I could wait for a "right" anything.

Also a throwaway.

I am in the same situation as you. It took me a while to realise it, but I am not good at understanding certain cues and I have no idea what to do about it. I always need to correct my perceptions. E.g "That woman is probably being really friendly because she's just friendly. She's probably not interested." At one point I got quite depressed. Eventually, still curious about sex, I just hired a sex worker. It's legal here and I save a lot of money being single.

At this point I have mostly resigned myself to the reality that I'll probably be single for the rest of my life.

Re: The 33-year-old virgin: Life without sex is only torturous if you let it be

#49

Post by indrax »

throwaway2719 wrote: post #26
dpeck wrote: post #13

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That is actually pretty terrible advice for a lot of people. Not everyone can/wants to separate sex from intimacy and that can lead to quite a few problems as well.

Indeed. To me, sex is the ultimate intimacy and I can't really imagine doing it on a casual basis, nor do I think I'd enjoy that very much. Sex as an expression of deep commitment to another person is one of the best experiences two people can share. But I can empathize with the subject in the OP. After several painful breakups and the ultimate, a failed marriage, I'm done with it. I don't care if I ever have sex aga…

If it's that bad, you need to take that as evidence that your attitudes of sex lead to problems, not the advice to have fun.

Re: The 33-year-old virgin: Life without sex is only torturous if you let it be

#50

Post by xor-ed-wolf »

34yearold wrote: post #31
delish wrote: post #15

this is great testimony. it's tragically common for people to let one shameful fact define them. I find myself thinking, "i have such weird interests; when i try to explain them to others, i always fail, and feel alienated." that's my analogue to being-a-virgin; often i let my "I am weird" be my reason to stay in on weekends, to deny my friends my company without giving a good reason. i have to actively tell myself,…

I'm a 34-year old virgin. I don't think that being one is shameful, though I understand that others do for whatever strange reason.

I am in the same boat. Don't see what is wrong with not having sex if I feel comfortable as it is. It looks for me as those people that gone crazy without sex are the same ones that would have gone crazy even with it.
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