Want people to trust you? Try apologising for the rain • Hacker News Board

Re: Want people to trust you? Try apologising for the rain

#41

Post by impendia » Fri, Oct 18, 2013, 9:39 PM UTC

I have observed this behavior very often in others.

For example, recently I showed up to a yoga class, and there was construction going on the street outside, so that it was mildly inconvenient to get to the parking lot. The yoga instructor apologized profusely for the inconvenience.

I didn't understand why I'd want to be apologized to for this: not only was it outside her control, but the inconvenience was trivial. I felt slightly less at ease after such an apology.

But looking around at others, it was quite obvious that this gesture had had the intended effect. I guess, in this regard, I am the odd one out.

Re: Want people to trust you? Try apologising for the rain

#42

Post by timthorn » Fri, Oct 18, 2013, 9:39 PM UTC

> In the first, 178 students thought they were playing a financial game with a partner located in another room.

Really? I took part in studies like this when I was a student, and I knew full well I was playing a computer, despite being told otherwise. You don't need to be a psychology geek to have heard of their standard operating procedures.

Re: Want people to trust you? Try apologising for the rain

#43

Post by nthj » Fri, Oct 18, 2013, 9:40 PM UTC

tunesmith wrote: post #17

chatman wrote: post #13

If you ever wondered where the tax payers' money is going, it is going to fund Alison Brooks' "research".

I'm sorry about that. Can I have an upvote?

I feel manipulated but I couldn't help giving you an upvote anyway.

Re: Want people to trust you? Try apologising for the rain

#44

Post by d0m » Fri, Oct 18, 2013, 9:43 PM UTC

>> Crucially, for half of them he preceded his request with the superfluous apology: "I'm sorry about the rain!" The other half of the time he just came straight out with his request: "Can I borrow your cell phone?"

Couldn't it just be the chit-chat? I mean "Hey, how are you? Can I borrow your phone" versus "Can I borrow your phone", would probably give better results too :-/?

Re: Want people to trust you? Try apologising for the rain

#45

Post by Wgl_ » Fri, Oct 18, 2013, 9:45 PM UTC

Is the "useless" apology doing the job or did it work as an icebreaker ?

I remember old studies which said you have far more chance getting 20 cents asking for the time first.

Re: Want people to trust you? Try apologising for the rain

#46

Post by ByronT » Fri, Oct 18, 2013, 9:46 PM UTC

DanBC wrote: post #25

Theodores wrote: post #16

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I agree with you completely regarding computer support and customer service - put your hands up and apologise to the customer/client for whatever the hold-up/mistake/bug is, then to get on with the matter in hand and fix things. However, management types can discourage you from doing this as it is an acceptance that there is some liability for whatever it is that has gone wrong. There is a fear of unintended conseque…

There are words that show empathy for the other person, but without putting yourself at risk of accepting liability. They can sound a bit mechanical sometimes, and reading from a script isn't much good. Just letting someone know that you understand that they're stressed and annoyed or frustrated, and that you'll try to help them makes a big difference. At least, it does when people do it with me.

To me, there are few things more infuriating than a Comcast representative saying something like, "Oh, I'm very sorry to hear that. I would also be frustrated if my cable modem were not acquiring a signal." This type of "empathy" has disillusioned me from most empathy used in customer support.

Re: Want people to trust you? Try apologising for the rain

#47

Post by georgemcbay » Fri, Oct 18, 2013, 9:46 PM UTC

I apologize for things out of my control fairly frequently as a way of displaying (genuine) empathy for people in bad situations. Not so much for superficial things like everyday rain but say if someone is looking forward to an interview and doesn't get the job, I'll say something like "Sorry you didn't get the job".

I don't do this to build trust, but I guess it makes some sort of sense that if someone displays a consistent level of empathy towards the problems of others it would make them more trustworthy in general compared to someone who doesn't.

Re: Want people to trust you? Try apologising for the rain

#48

Post by nzadrozny » Fri, Oct 18, 2013, 9:46 PM UTC

derefr wrote: post #21

Reminds me of the Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality quote: "Of course it was my fault. There's no one else here who could be responsible for anything." Which is to say, if I hear someone apologizing for the weather, one likely presumption would be that they're just assuming fault as a matter of etiquette, or some latent self-hating tendency... but another, more interesting, possibility is that they're apolo…

Or, along those lines but less world-dominating, "Sorry for [choosing a time and location for our meeting that resulted in exposing you to] the rain."

Same point, though. The superfluous apology lends an implied sense of influence and responsibility.

Re: Want people to trust you? Try apologising for the rain

#49

Post by shakingarrow » Fri, Oct 18, 2013, 9:52 PM UTC

If the person you are apologizing to is an outsider who is visiting your city or a traveler, then by apologizing for the rain, you show sympathy towards the outsider and you look like a caring native, in this scenario it would have good positive impact though the apology might seem random. I wonder how many people in the sample set were outsiders.

Re: Want people to trust you? Try apologising for the rain

#50

Post by zupatol » Fri, Oct 18, 2013, 9:53 PM UTC

Do people really understand this as an apology? Being sorry has two meanings in english, right? It can also mean that you share someone else's pain.

If someone told me he's sorry about the rain, I would think what he really means is that he's sorry for me having to stand in the rain.