Social anxiety isn't about being liked • Hacker News Board

Re: Social anxiety isn't about being liked

#41

Post by lelandbatey » Fri, Oct 03, 2025, 5:04 PM UTC

starttoaster wrote: post #24

brabel wrote: post #18

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Only some kind of men behave like that. I had many friends growing up and we never did that sort of thing, and it always put me off to see people who did.

Why did it put you off? Did you not understand the intention behind the words, or were the words unforgiveable despite their intention?

Not who you asked.

With age Ive found myself much more comfortable with folks "being mean, but in a friendly way" as they intend it. When I was younger though, I never understood why folks didn't instead just "say the nice part." Like, if your friends are always glad you join them even if you're always late, making fun of you for being late with a big smile can still feel pretty bad for you. Much better to say "hey please don't be late" and also "we really enjoy you spending time with us."

With age Ive come to see that for reasons I don't understand, lots of folks have a massive aversion to saying clearly the things they appreciate about the people around them directly. Eh, their loss.

Re: Social anxiety isn't about being liked

#42

Post by thewebguyd » Fri, Oct 03, 2025, 5:05 PM UTC

elevatortrim wrote: post #34

I have social anxiety and it is completely unrelated to likeableness. I do not think people would not like me, I do not try to avoid people disliking me, that's not the point at all. Quite the opposite, I'm sure I'm an interesting person and I'm confident people would like me if I could take the step. Problem is, there is something that physically prevents me from saying "Hi!" to a stranger. I literally cannot get my…

I have the same exact experience as you. It's like some weird physical barrier, but I can't really articulate the feeling or explain it. The exposure therapy method here doesn't work because "just do it a bunch of times and you'll get more comfortable" isn't even possible for me, I can't "just do it."

For me though, it takes more than a few beers to be comfortable approaching someone. I'd have to be completely sloshed and even then it's a struggle.

The only time I didn't experience the seemingly physical barrier was in college when a friend convinced me to try MDMA and we went out. I became almost the exact opposite of who I am with the social anxiety. I was the most extraverted, outgoing person in our group quite literally chatting up anyone and everyone that I crossed paths with without any care or inhibition around it.

No other pharmaceutical has been able to cure it for me like that, and it's a bit depressing because I liked that version of myself and I'd like to be able to be that person again without an incredibly dangerous illegal substance.

Re: Social anxiety isn't about being liked

#43

Post by bunderbunder » Fri, Oct 03, 2025, 5:05 PM UTC

epiccoleman wrote: post #36

BurningFrog wrote: post #12

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Perhaps this is controversial, but I think this is a mostly male way of expressing affection. Women observing this sometimes conclude that men are horribly cruel to each other.

I wish I could find the original source on this, but I remember reading a tweet or blog that I thought had a really good metaphor for this kind of "male friend ribbing." The metaphor went something like this: men making fun of each other are actuall y showing that they understand their friends deeply, because they know how to stab without hitting an organ. That is - in order to make fun of someone without actually hu…

Reminds me of Scalzi's Law: the failure mode of 'clever' is 'asshole'.

Re: Social anxiety isn't about being liked

#44

Post by dmesg » Fri, Oct 03, 2025, 5:07 PM UTC

erikerikson wrote: post #40

dmesg wrote: post #32

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The article describes how neurotypical people, i.e. the average Joe would come up with a decision to like or not like a person based on first impressions before the person being judged even talks. Fairly sure in an article about how people are thinking how they are perceived by others this is relevant. But I get it can upset people that it is out of their control entirely.

I disagree. I think the article is about the motivations of people with social anxiety. I'd agree it makes assumptions and paints with a broad brush but it feels relevant to some of the socially anxious people I know.

I edited and rephrased a lot of my posts and the other replies and maybe my though process is clearer now. I didn't word it all too well, forgive me for not being a native, I struggled to bring my point across in an enunciated way.

Re: Social anxiety isn't about being liked

#45

Post by brad0 » Fri, Oct 03, 2025, 5:10 PM UTC

I've been reading through the book The Courage to be Disliked recently. I'm not a big fan of the writing style of the book, but some of the ideas in the book appear in this post too.

One of the concepts in the book is being comfortable with being disliked. If instead you're trying to avoid being disliked, you're effectively subject to other people's whims.

When you look at it from that perspective, that's a pretty stressful experience!

Re: Social anxiety isn't about being liked

#46

Post by dgb23 » Fri, Oct 03, 2025, 5:10 PM UTC

brabel wrote: post #18

BurningFrog wrote: post #12

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Perhaps this is controversial, but I think this is a mostly male way of expressing affection. Women observing this sometimes conclude that men are horribly cruel to each other.

Only some kind of men behave like that. I had many friends growing up and we never did that sort of thing, and it always put me off to see people who did.

There are more women in my friends circle who do this than not.

Re: Social anxiety isn't about being liked

#47

Post by abxyz » Fri, Oct 03, 2025, 5:10 PM UTC

The problem with using clinical phrases to describe normal behavior is demonstrated in this post. "Social anxiety" has a specific clinical meaning that is not covered by this post. The post is actually discussing a very natural and rational nervousness that normal people have in social situations. The post is providing a way of thinking about that nervousness that can help reduce it, for the nervous person's benefit, and it's great if that works, but it's not addressing social anxiety.

Social anxiety is a condition that cannot be thought away, you cannot rationalize social anxiety nor can it be represented as a cost/benefit analysis of risk of being disliked vs. reward of being liked. You can feel socially anxious without having social anxiety. You can be depressed without having depression. You will be depressed after your beloved pet dies. You will be socially anxious walking into a room full of people you haven't met before.

Re: Social anxiety isn't about being liked

#48

Post by aDyslecticCrow » Fri, Oct 03, 2025, 5:11 PM UTC

guerrilla wrote: post #6

This rings true to me as someone who's overcome most of his social anxiety over the last few years. The last graph is particularly correct. It's about being authentic and being okay with people not liking you. This is especially useful in dating because then you stop being needy (which is unattractive) when you can let go of the outcome and just show someone who you are and if they reject you then you simply realize…

It's a opinion piece. But so are must attempted explanations of emotions. How would you even study this?

It seems some in the comments resonate and some disagree. So its somewhat useful.

One thing i feel missing is the anxiety part of social anxiety. The way the brain colors vague or unclear external (social) signals in default negative ways, in a feedback loop.

Not avoiding being disliked or seeking being liked, but simply being unable to quantity it correctly.

Re: Social anxiety isn't about being liked

#49

Post by xivzgrev » Fri, Oct 03, 2025, 5:11 PM UTC

cortesoft wrote: post #3

I hadn’t heard the word countersignaling before, but it matches something I had observed many years ago. My closest groups of friends always make so much fun of each other. We make negative comments about the worst traits about each other, the things that we are most self-conscious about… yet every time my friends make fun of me for something I worry about, I actually feel better and more comfortable with myself. Whe…

That's astute. I was always uncomfortable with this kind of joking. I felt threatened. The real reason was that I didn't have a good comeback.

Let's say my nose was large, and a friend jokes about it. I need to say something back. And I could not think of anything. A low stakes situation becomes higher stakes than it needs to be.

So on their side they see me struggle and probably feel bad, so they don't do it again. But then we are just friends not best friends.

Curious how did you learn / practice this?

Re: Social anxiety isn't about being liked

#50

Post by dgb23 » Fri, Oct 03, 2025, 5:11 PM UTC

elevatortrim wrote: post #34

I have social anxiety and it is completely unrelated to likeableness. I do not think people would not like me, I do not try to avoid people disliking me, that's not the point at all. Quite the opposite, I'm sure I'm an interesting person and I'm confident people would like me if I could take the step. Problem is, there is something that physically prevents me from saying "Hi!" to a stranger. I literally cannot get my…

Alcohol reduces fear.