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The electric fence stopped working years ago

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Re: The electric fence stopped working years ago

#41

Post by jonahx »

losteric wrote: post #37
jonahx wrote: post #19

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> The message doesn't have any warnings on it like "oh I know it's been a while" or "you might not remember me". Yes. I do this too and wish more people would. The qualifications, the "what have you been up to?"s -- such mind-numbingly boring conventions. Who wants to go through a "catchup" interview before talking about what's interesting. If that's the price, it's not worth it.

> The qualifications, the "what have you been up to?"s -- such mind-numbingly boring conventions. Who wants to go through a "catchup" interview before talking about what's interesting If I think about someone, that's exactly what's on my mind and most interesting. What else would you talk about?

> What else would you talk about?

A shared memory, a common friend, perhaps one who's died, their opinion on a movie, a book you're sure they've read, some current event, a funny story they, specifically, might appreciate, etc, etc.

Re: The electric fence stopped working years ago

#42

Post by xp84 »

The reaching out to an old friend example is a powerful one. In my case I missed out on a decade of two of my most valued friendships (it was both halves of a couple) because of a fight that didn't really have to be a big deal.

And one night a couple years ago I admitted to myself how much I missed the friendships and decided to send a text. They were really glad to reconnect. I drove 7 hours to see them. The reunion was one of the best moments of my life.

Re: The electric fence stopped working years ago

#43

Post by stroz »

xp84 wrote: post #42

The reaching out to an old friend example is a powerful one. In my case I missed out on a decade of two of my most valued friendships (it was both halves of a couple) because of a fight that didn't really have to be a big deal. And one night a couple years ago I admitted to myself how much I missed the friendships and decided to send a text. They were really glad to reconnect. I drove 7 hours to see them. The reunion…

This gave me chills! One text changes everything. That 7 hour drive is what breaking free from old stories looks like. Thank you for sharing this, stories like yours are why I wrote this piece.

Re: The electric fence stopped working years ago

#44

Post by stroz »

btilly wrote: post #38
stroz wrote: post #4

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You're right, we see everyone else's fences perfectly while blind to our own. Here's what helped me most, when I hit a painful thought, I try to think about it as, "What are you protecting me from?" Usually it's something that happened once, often years ago. Next time you feel that electric fence, just notice it. Then take one tiny step towards it (Joe Hudson talks about this as emotional fluency). The fence will bee…

The problem that I had with that approach is that the pain of the painful thought caused me to shy away from what was central to it. Instead I have found that targeted gratitude has enabled me to bear the pain, while I face the pain, understand its cause, and start doing something about it. This isn't fast, it has been a journey. But a very good one.

Absolutely love the idea of "Targeted gratitude". You're right that sometimes the pain makes us shy away from looking directly at root causes. Gratitude as a way to hold the pain while we work through it is a profound idea. Simultaneously asking what the pain is trying to protect us from and thanking the pain for what it's trying to protect us from and giving yourself some grace for the courage required to do this. Thank you so much for sharing this, it's really helpful!

Re: The electric fence stopped working years ago

#45

Post by stroz »

stuxnet79 wrote: post #33
blindriver wrote: post #23

I never had this fake sense of shame or embarrassment when it came to contacting people. Some people will keep tabs on when someone last contacted them, and hold it against them. I don't. Just last month I had lunch with middle school friends I hadn't seen in 40 years. I literally hadn't seen once since Grade 8. I friended them on Facebook years previous but didn't really have anything to chat about, but when I was i…

Commenting to say that I truly admire your attitude. You are the person I wish I was to my friends and hope to be some day again. I used to strive for this kind of approach to relationships but around COVID-19 it seems like I didn't have any gas in the tank left.

COVID emptied a lot of our tanks. Sometimes the fence isn't fear, it's just straight up exhaustion. The tank refills slowly, and you're allowed to be gentle with yourself. Sometimes it just starts with noticing when you think of someone, no pressure to act.

Re: The electric fence stopped working years ago

#46

Post by stroz »

lttlrck wrote: post #31

This resonates with me and frankly it makes me feel worse about some very specific missed opportunities when I was held back by myself. But can you teach an old dog new tricks?

The fact that you're asking means you already know the answer. Old dogs learn new tricks every day, they just call it wisdom instead of learning. Pick one person. Send one text. That's honestly it!

Re: The electric fence stopped working years ago

#47

Post by stroz »

Verdex wrote: post #29
lordnacho wrote: post #8

This is right. People ask my how on earth I know what every one of my high school classmates is up to, when we were the last class of the millennium. Along with a number of old teachers and other randoms from years ago. I just stopped having a filter. When I think of someone, I just fire off a message. The message doesn't have any warnings on it like "oh I know it's been a while" or "you might not remember me". I wri…

I've got some sort of facial blindness. It's hard to tell exactly how it works because I've got a bunch of unconscious coping mechanisms for identifying people. One of the times I got it comically wrong was in college where I made a friend for a semester because I thought he was someone I already knew. So I can absolutely believe that attitude and approach makes a huge difference because I've been in at least one sce…

Wow, this is incredible. You just proved that connection is 90% attitude, 10% history. You became friends because you acted like friends. Sometimes not knowing the "rules" is the superpower.

Re: The electric fence stopped working years ago

#48

Post by ChrisMarshallNY »

layer8 wrote: post #40

> Think about it, when was the last time you were annoyed that someone reached out to check in? When did you ever think less of someone for being the one to text you? Never. Apparently the author doesn’t know a certain kind of obnoxious people. ;)

I once had an old High School friend contact me.

At first, I was glad to hear from him.

...then, he started talking...

Re: The electric fence stopped working years ago

#49

Post by protonbob »

> The fence isn't there. It never was. It's just the memory of some childhood rejection, some social rule someone made up, some fear that caring more makes you matter less.

Chesterton's Fence would say that maybe there is a reason and you should tread carefully. Sometimes a relationship died because it should have. Maybe you feel uncomfortable messaging someone because they have given nonverbals that they don't like your company.

Re: The electric fence stopped working years ago

#50

Post by stroz »

davvilla wrote: post #21

Loved the write up but it all canceled out when I realized it’s a blog for an app that’s “your social operating system”

Fair point! The irony isn't lost on me, writing about breaking free from systems while building another one. Sometimes we need training wheels before we can ride free. The goal is shifting the mindset, and ultimately making the systems unnecessary eventually.
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