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What does connecting with someone mean?

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Re: What does connecting with someone mean?

#41

Post by satisfice »

"People" don't hate small talk. SOME people hate small talk. But small talk is a gateway to connection. It is not to be avoided, but to be embraced-- if connection is what you want.

And the people the writer speaks of don't "hate" small talk, mostly. They are uncomfortable with it. This is not the same as hate.

I suspect some of the people who are uncomfortable with small talk are that way because they don't want to delay talking about big things. Others are uncomfortable because they don't WANT it to lead to big things. Others think it IS a big thing and are afraid to do it wrong. And finally others falsely believe that small talk means telling lies.

I like to talk about big things, but I don't mind starting with little things.

Re: What does connecting with someone mean?

#42

Post by anonymars »

scarface_74 wrote: post #26
nntwozz wrote: post #7

"It means mutual empathy — they get you and you get them. It's discovering similar values, experiences and perspectives. It's a feeling of trust and comfort where you both feel safe to say what is truly on your mind." Ah, sounds all fine and dandy! But what do you do when you discover you don't have similar values? Maybe there's no answer in todays polarized world; personally aspire to this: I don't like that man. I…

I have no desire to get to know someone who is racist or homophobic. We can disagree on supply side economics or universal healthcare all day long. I don’t owe my energy to get to know assholes.

A black man befriended a KKK wizard and has convinced over 200 klansmen to give up their robes

https://www.npr.org/2017/08/20/544861933/how-one-man-convinc...

Re: What does connecting with someone mean?

#43

Post by [deleted] »

grep_name wrote: post #38
al_borland wrote: post #5

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I’m from the US. “How are you,” is indeed a very shallow question that expects a very shallow and prescriptive response. I’ve seen where people answer it honestly, and when they walk away the person asking says something to the effect of, “god, I didn’t need his whole life story.” Experiences like this make me more hesitant to answer honestly. The better you know someone, the more this rule starts to bend, but that d…

I've lived my whole life in the southeastern US, and the comments online about this always make me feel like an alien. Everyone here always seems to imply that it's meaningless because "You have to say 'good', and if you don't say that people get upset," but I've just never once had that experience. I almost never say 'good' in response to that question, even to a coworker I don't know well. In my friend groups, usua…

[deleted]

Re: What does connecting with someone mean?

#44

Post by em-bee »

idiotsecant wrote: post #30
scarface_74 wrote: post #26

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I have no desire to get to know someone who is racist or homophobic. We can disagree on supply side economics or universal healthcare all day long. I don’t owe my energy to get to know assholes.

There's little better than helping someone like that expand their understanding of the world and their place in it. In the end, influencing hearts and minds is one of the few things you can do that will have a lasting impact after you're gone.

we should all aspire to be a little bit like daryl davis. just a bit. i am not going out of my way to seek out people like that, like he did, but when i discover that one of my friends is leaning into that direction, then i look to daryl davis for inspiration.

Re: What does connecting with someone mean?

#45

Post by joules77 »

nntwozz wrote: post #7

"It means mutual empathy — they get you and you get them. It's discovering similar values, experiences and perspectives. It's a feeling of trust and comfort where you both feel safe to say what is truly on your mind." Ah, sounds all fine and dandy! But what do you do when you discover you don't have similar values? Maybe there's no answer in todays polarized world; personally aspire to this: I don't like that man. I…

Got to go beyond shared values/experiences/perspective.

The deeper commonality lies in the messy hardware we all share - the human mind.

If you take a Philosophy or Psychology class, it usually starts by showing how incoherent and conflict-ridden the mind is.

From Plato’s tripartite soul (reason vs. appetite vs. spirit), to Hume’s (reason is just a slave to our passions), to Freud’s (id vs ego vs superego), to Kahneman (System 1 vs. System 2) there’s a constant theme running - the mind is not unified.

It’s a battlefield of impulses, instincts, ideals, and rationalizations.

And because we all live inside this strange ridiculous machine, one that can easily go off balance, we’re all vulnerable in the same essential way.

We all know what it’s like to be overwhelmed, to act irrationally, to feel pulled in opposite directions. That’s the real basis for connection: shared fragility, not shared ideology.

That’s why systems(and relationships) that are grounded in patience, forgiveness, empathy, compassion etc survive the long term.

They don’t depend on sameness, they depend on the recognition that everyone is doing battle with themselves. When that realization dawns it get easier to speak to the other person showing you understand this fact. And then we get the possibility of connection even across radical differences.

Re: What does connecting with someone mean?

#46

Post by Notatheist »

If you want to explore connecting with people I can highly recommend social dancing.

>People hate small talk because it avoids this

I don't believe that. You can connect with someone before you've exchanged names, and you can fail to connect with someone you've shared your life's story with. This is the same mistake autists at my dance school make (including myself). They believe connection demands a rational exchange of valuable information. In dance that would be the technical complexity of whatever you're leading and the grace and mastery you lead it with. In language it would be sharing hopes and fears.

Small talk robs you of all that. It's a true measure of someone's ability to connect.

Re: What does connecting with someone mean?

#47

Post by taneq »

nntwozz wrote: post #7

"It means mutual empathy — they get you and you get them. It's discovering similar values, experiences and perspectives. It's a feeling of trust and comfort where you both feel safe to say what is truly on your mind." Ah, sounds all fine and dandy! But what do you do when you discover you don't have similar values? Maybe there's no answer in todays polarized world; personally aspire to this: I don't like that man. I…

Maybe you don't need to connect with everyone? If someone has a few different opinions to me, that's fine, I'm sure there's plenty of other things we agree on. Maybe we can find common ground and connect over that. If someone has fundamentally incompatible values to mine about things that I consider important, then I probably consider them a bad person. Like, I don't know how else to define "bad person". Definitely not someone I want to connect with.

Re: What does connecting with someone mean?

#48

Post by em-bee »

Torwald wrote: post #22
bovermyer wrote: post #6

I wonder where the line is between being willing to be vulnerable and oversharing.

Depends on context. Learn to read the other person or group, there are cues. Also there is mutuality, back and forth. I also question the validity of the cultural concept of "oversharing" being as always bad. Maybe it's bad by definition, but then what is "oversharing?" If you share am I allowed to give you advice?

my definition of oversharing is when the recipient signals that they are not interested. in other words it depends on the other. there is no general line, and each person is different. you never know. it also depends on the character of the recipient. you may tell me things that are way to personal that i am not ready to talk about, but i'll most likely ignore that unless you become obnoxious about it, because i find an offensive reaction to oversharing just as bad and i don't want to lose your friendship over your "mistake".

i'd also say that if someone you consider a friend turns away because of your oversharing, then they probably weren't a good friend to begin with. the only danger is if you tell someone something personal that they end up sharing with others, but that's a breach of trust by that person, not bad oversharing.

Re: What does connecting with someone mean?

#49

Post by 9rx »

atoav wrote: post #9
inezk wrote: post #3

Great insights. In US people do ask one another "how are you?", perhaps in a shallow way - but I think it's still an opener that can lead to more meaningful conversation. In Poland for instance, where I'm from, people don't ask "how are you?" one another - which slightly limits that opportunity. At the same time Europe as a whole has so much better work life balance which allows for many more outside work friends and…

I always thought there are better ways to open a conversation. The first thing you have in common with the other person is that you are at the same place during the same time as them. Depending on the context this can already provide you with much, much better ways of starting a conversation than just using a "how are you?" to which nobody expects an honest answer. But German is my first language and this culturual c…

> I always thought there are better ways to open a conversation.

Just like everyone else. "How are you?" isn't a conversation opener, it's an attention grabber; like "hey", "ahoy", "excuse me", or "hello". A device used to give the other party a moment to realize your presence and shift their focus towards you. If you try to go straight into conversation when the other person is off in their own world, nine times out of ten you're going to simply get back "Wait, what? Did you say something?"

Re: What does connecting with someone mean?

#50

Post by cjcenizal »

bovermyer wrote: post #6

I wonder where the line is between being willing to be vulnerable and oversharing.

It’s all relative. You can share something slightly personal or controversial and see where it lands in the other person’s comfort zone. Then it’s up to you to decide what to do with that info.
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