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SIRC Guide to Flirting: what social science tells you about flirting

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Re: SIRC Guide to Flirting: what social science tells you about flirting

#41

Post by [deleted] »

bmelton wrote: post #18
mhd wrote: post #10

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Basic social science articles always read like they're written by Captain Obvious. "1. Do initiate flirtation with people of roughly the same level of attractiveness as yourself. 2. Don’t flirt with people who are unlikely to return your interest." But on the other hand, there's really no easy way out (writing about it, I mean). I've yet to find a more "practical" approach that doesn't read like either semi-useless a…

Interesting is that it seems to focus on long-term relationships as the reference point against which it gives its advice. For shorter-term relationships (not implying anything), I've found best success with flirting with women considerably more attractive than myself. I've asked a number of my more attractive girlfriends why they were with an ugly schlub like myself and I get two common answers: Personality/humor/la…

[deleted]

Re: SIRC Guide to Flirting: what social science tells you about flirting

#42

Post by TheCount »

bmelton wrote: post #18
mhd wrote: post #10

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Basic social science articles always read like they're written by Captain Obvious. "1. Do initiate flirtation with people of roughly the same level of attractiveness as yourself. 2. Don’t flirt with people who are unlikely to return your interest." But on the other hand, there's really no easy way out (writing about it, I mean). I've yet to find a more "practical" approach that doesn't read like either semi-useless a…

Interesting is that it seems to focus on long-term relationships as the reference point against which it gives its advice. For shorter-term relationships (not implying anything), I've found best success with flirting with women considerably more attractive than myself. I've asked a number of my more attractive girlfriends why they were with an ugly schlub like myself and I get two common answers: Personality/humor/la…

What do you count as a success? The only solid markers of success are sex, blowjobs and a girl meeting you on a different day, i.e. for a date. In that order. Everything else is 'harmless flirting,' basically meaningless as an indicator of 'success.'

Re: SIRC Guide to Flirting: what social science tells you about flirting

#43

Post by [deleted] »

mhd wrote: post #40
orangecat wrote: post #27

Earlier quoted context omitted.

or just oozes sleaze ("pickup artists", ESR etc.) They may be sleazy, but they're basically right.

Even if their statistical shenanigans would be scientifically "accurate" (which I still doubt), by no means would I, morally and ethically, consider them "right". I'm the stereotypical reclusive, clinically shy geek, but I've gotten past puberty, and stopped considering penetration to be the "end game". Note that those douchebags seem to be exclusively care about that, there's no "relationship artist" trade that I'm…

[deleted]

Re: SIRC Guide to Flirting: what social science tells you about flirting

#44

Post by ShabbyDoo »

rcthompson wrote: post #33

Well, at least this brings me from "I don't understand anything about flirting" to "Here's a list of everything I don't understand about flirting."

When learning just about anything, there's a period during which the rate at which you discover additional aspects about that thing which you don't know is greater than the rate at which you learn. So, your self-assessment of capability decreases before it increases. At least this always happens to me. I've come to accept this as a sign of progress.

Re: SIRC Guide to Flirting: what social science tells you about flirting

#46

Post by noamsml »

rcthompson wrote: post #33

Well, at least this brings me from "I don't understand anything about flirting" to "Here's a list of everything I don't understand about flirting."

All learning is by immersion. The best way to start learning flirting is to observe couples on dates, and note their body language. You don't need to be close enough to hear their voices, since body language will be your important leader. If you can hear them speak, even better. You can also make it into a social outing by bringing along a friend and making running commentary on the date (this will help you exchange notes and speed the learning process, and it will also make learning fun and thus increase retention). Note that these things (esp #2) are both fairly socially unacceptable, so be aware of that and try to be somewhat discreet.

Once you do that, go out and use the body language you've learned to indicate flirting and assess other's reactions. Test, adjust, repeat. The hardest part is that you'll need to find a group of people whose opinion you don't care about until you're vaguely OK at it. I suggest parties, not bars or clubs, because they are the most conducive to the wide range of flirting you'll tend to want to master.

Re: SIRC Guide to Flirting: what social science tells you about flirting

#47

Post by danneu »

olliesaunders wrote: post #25
planetguy wrote: post #7

Hacker News: where we discuss advanced programming and elementary social skills. I wonder if there's somewhere out there where it's the reverse.

Isn’t the main reason we are bad at these things because we don’t really care for them. I’m not suggesting we are asexual but that we don’t hold flirting etc. in very high regard.

I doubt it. I think it's safe to say that most people pine for social skills if they perceive they lack them. Perhaps controversial, but I'd wager that most of the time resentment towards a social concept like flirting is really just a consequence of defeatism.

Re: SIRC Guide to Flirting: what social science tells you about flirting

#48

Post by VSerge »

elemeno wrote: post #17
TeMPOraL wrote: post #15

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> their initial impression of you will be based 55% on your appearance and body-language, 38% on your style of speaking and only 7% on what you actually say. AFAIK, the 7%-38%-55% rule has been debunked. See also: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Albert_Mehrabian#Misinterpretat...

It's not so much debunked but that it only applies to certain types of communication: "Total Liking = 7% Verbal Liking + 38% Vocal Liking + 55% Facial Liking. Please note that this and other equations regarding relative importance of verbal and nonverbal messages were derived from experiments dealing with communications of feelings and attitudes (i.e., like–dislike). Unless a communicator is talking about their feeli…

It is debunked. Wikipedia states that Mehrabian's experiment included only women, and that subsequent experiment found contradictory results on the relative importance of verbal and non verbal cues. What remains is a collection of factors letting one build a theory of mind of the other person, decide the other's attractiveness or lack thereof, etc..

Re: SIRC Guide to Flirting: what social science tells you about flirting

#50

Post by minopret »

The PDF's metadata and the Internet Archive Wayback Machine say that this item (available via http://www.sirc.org/publik/flirt.html) originated thirteen years ago. Surely we readers of Hacker News don't fit the "awkward geek" stereotype that well?!

There is a newer "advanced" guide: http://www.sirc.org/publik/advanced_flirting.shtml

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