Why it’s so hard to say what you mean

Post by smcin » Mon, Apr 24, 2023, 4:51 AM UTC

satisfice wrote: post #34

smcin wrote: post #14

Your title really sounds more like "I still haven't figured out what I should do with my life: Why I find it hard to sincerely debate what I think my values and aspirations should be". That's ok. Life is not an exam and you're not being graded. Not unless you consent to be, and certainly not against other people's criteria, figure out your own. When you say "performative" and "vicarious", sounds like you're afraid to…

I came here to make this comment. Thank you for writing it so well.

Try the podcasts of e.g. Chris Williamson, for someone talking about how he figures life out for himself. You have to boil it down to picking a specific challenges and objectives, whether that's money, career, education, fitness, friendships, hobbies etc. Set some mini-goal, really small one, do it, then consider what you learned. But, ya gotta pick something to start with, today. Don't just sit around stressing and feeling inadequate. (Or if you do, look into mental health. But don't try to address that all on your own).

Also excellent: 'Atomic Habits' by James Clear [0] ("four laws of habit change: make it obvious, make it attractive, make it easy, and make it satisfying"). Convert vague intents ("I will find my dream job") into a set of actions ("I will try out/interview people who do N jobs in the next week, then evaluate what I think the pros and cons of each are").

But, start right now with some action, no matter how tiny and inconsequential. Do not spin your wheels.

Chris Williamson also emphasizes how crucial exercise and nutrition are as foundation to anything else.

[0]: https://hn.algolia.com/?q=%22atomic+habits%22

Post by Doxin » Mon, Apr 24, 2023, 9:20 AM UTC

watwut wrote: post #19

jiggawatts wrote: post #17

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Also, non-autistic people (apparently called "allistic"? TIL). My partner does this exact same thing. I'm never able to find out what she wants to do, because any such question becomes reinterpreted by her as a "he must want to do this, so I must say what I think he expects me to say" game.

What about asking "what do you want to do" instead of suggesting an activity? The partner here is making reasonable guesses anyway, they are not misinterpreting, they are just not stupid. They assume you are not setting up the following conversation: - Would you like to go to beach? - Yes, I would love to! - I am really opposed to the idea!

How about people learn to take what I say at face value? Yes I can work around this sort of nonsense, but doing it all day is exhausting to me.

I've learned how to deal with this sort of thing well enough to the point where most people that know me wouldn't guess I'm autistic, but it sure as heck would be nice if we all didn't invent weird-ass mind games for no benefit all the time.

Re: Why it’s so hard to say what you mean

Re: Why it’s so hard to say what you mean