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My dad died last week and now I am the only male in the family.How do I procede?

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Re: My dad died last week and now I am the only male in the family.How do I procede?

#41

Post by rramadass »

Temporarily21 wrote: post #28
rramadass wrote: post #17

I know something about sacrifice (my father sacrificed a lot and in time i also did something similar) so i hope my suggestions are helpful to you. 1) First off, it is your duty to help and look after your Mother/Grandmother/Sister as long as possible. You are all in it together and each have to be clear about their responsibilities and contributions so that your family as a whole is stable. Best case is relatives/fr…

I worry the most about my sister. My mum said today she wanted to study abroad Operrete. My mother is handling this poorly also. With father this was doable now it seems like childish dreams to me. I do not want to have a serious talk about growing up as I am afraid she will go crazy because life is now unfair. It will be a week in a couple of hours since we found out. Dad was well meaning. She collected the money fr…

This is not the time to think about "hurt feelings", "indulgence" etc. These things are irrelevant in the bigger scheme of things.

You/Your Mother (the two people who are earning now) need to be Pragmatic and very strict when it comes to Money/Finance. If you go down the economic level (eg. poverty threshold) it will be very hard to build yourself back up again. There is also the possibility that a single illness can wipe you out financially not to mention the ripple effect ruining everybody's life.

So have that chat with everybody in the family (and in particular, with your Sister) as a group so that everybody understands the gravity of the situation and can deliver on their Responsibilities while keeping their spirits up. If you all stick together, you can definitely make it to a better place in Life.

Also since you seem to be in the EU check whether there are any social safety net plans that your family can qualify for. This can be a huge boost to future success.

Re: My dad died last week and now I am the only male in the family.How do I procede?

#42

Post by justuseapen »

Your instincts are noble and right. Men are made to provide for others. Don't listen to those who are trying to strangle your conscience.

You will be blessed in doing the right thing and the Lord will provide you and your family's needs.

Re: My dad died last week and now I am the only male in the family.How do I procede?

#43

Post by Temporarily21 »

justuseapen wrote: post #42

Your instincts are noble and right. Men are made to provide for others. Don't listen to those who are trying to strangle your conscience. You will be blessed in doing the right thing and the Lord will provide you and your family's needs.

Thank you! It is hard the see who is right and who is not.

Re: My dad died last week and now I am the only male in the family.How do I procede?

#44

Post by Temporarily21 »

louwrentius wrote: post #40
Temporarily21 wrote: post #30

Earlier quoted context omitted.

They raised me, of course they are stronger than me. They supported me, so now I have to support them back. The thing about the dogs was a joke, or not, I don’t know. I was just making it more absurd.

I never said or implied they were stronger than you and why mention it? The fact that you are the only male in your family seems to make you feel insecure whereas I really don’t understand why you care so much about it. Especially under the current circumstances. Regardless of jokes, the whole gender thing is irrelevant, yet you seem so preoccupied with it. I hope you can shake it off.

I just want the best for them. Actually I would say you are the one preoccupied with the gender roles.

I will try being kind as much as possible though, thanks for the advice.

Re: My dad died last week and now I am the only male in the family.How do I procede?

#45

Post by Alifatisk »

I[23, M] was in a similar situation two years ago. My Father sadly passed away of cancer and left me alone with my mother and sister.

The first thing I did was go through all the finanicals with my mother to understand what we are dealing with, luckily, our insurance company gave us a good sum of money to survive on and my mothers pensions is good enough. I wanted to continue study to get a engineering degree but couldn't as I had to bring in money too, so I got a good well paying job.

But my sister [late 22] on the other hand, is living like we're good and want to pursue her own thing :/

I saw you didn't look for any finanical advice so I will avoid that. My advice to you, don't look at your family (especially your mother) like they are helpless, because they aren't. It sure feels lonely being the only man in the house but I would not have survived (mentally) if it wasn't for my mother. You should try to the same, open up to your mother and share your thoughts.

As of your sister, I wish I knew.

Re: My dad died last week and now I am the only male in the family.How do I procede?

#46

Post by rswail »

Some of the comments here are very insensitive. Here's some advice:

* Cut yourself some slack. You are in the early days of a shock and you have to allow yourself the time to grieve and process your loss. You sister, mother, and grandmother are also doing the same. You will all feel sad, angry, upset, often for what aren't "real" reasons. I remember when my Mother died I got angry at a guy parking wrong on the street.

* You're the only man in a family. You are all one and your family seems to be solid from what you've said. You have some responsibility as the oldest child of your mother that is also educated and working. You have the responsibility to be a grandson to your grandmother, a son to your mother, and a brother to your sister. You aren't required to take on a new role, just because you are the only man.

* You need to take time to grieve and process the loss of your father. You will all grieve in different ways and in different times. The important thing is to understand that you will need time.

* Don't make any decisions now, as long as there is money coming in and a roof over everybody's head, you don't need to make decisions.

* Your sister is 16 and has dreams. Don't tear them down at the same time as she is also grieving. It's not your problem to solve, your mother is still her mother. Don't worry about the private tutors or the contests etc. Especially don't think that it's now your job to be her father. You are her brother.

* It sounds like your father has left your family with some assets (apartments). That's a good start. Finances are what tear families apart.

I am Jewish (agnostic) but one of the things that Judaism has as the process of grieving is time.

* The first 7 days are intense, you don't do anything

* The first 30 days are less intense, you start to re-enter day-to-day life, but understand that you aren't going to be "happy" or "back to (a new) normal"

* The first year is allowed for mourning and dealing with someone dying.

That's a good way to approach this. You are starting on a long journey, don't rush.

Re: My dad died last week and now I am the only male in the family.How do I procede?

#47

Post by Temporarily21 »

rswail wrote: post #46

Some of the comments here are very insensitive. Here's some advice: * Cut yourself some slack. You are in the early days of a shock and you have to allow yourself the time to grieve and process your loss. You sister, mother, and grandmother are also doing the same. You will all feel sad, angry, upset, often for what aren't "real" reasons. I remember when my Mother died I got angry at a guy parking wrong on the street…

Some people here are proper aholes.
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