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What not to say to someone who has just been laid off

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Re: What not to say to someone who has just been laid off

#41

Post by Joel_Mckay »

BurningFrog wrote: post #34
Joel_Mckay wrote: post #26

"The Five Stages of Grief" from the Kubler-Ross Model seems to apply. 1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance The detail most get confused with is these stages occur in no particular order. Personally, I would likely jump from 2 to 3, then found a competing nonprofit firm with 9k people in the same situation, The real danger with talent layoffs is people wrongly assume every employee is replaceab…

Guess I'll be the jerk who tells you the Kubler-Ross Model doesn't have much empirical evidence: https://www.mcgill.ca/oss/article/health-history/its-time-le... That said, it at least provides a vocabulary for talking about loss.

"empirical evidence" would likely require a breach of research ethics, but I suppose you could randomly borrow your neighbors cats to observe owner behaviors.

Just kidding, as being a "jerk" with facts is not a character flaw from my perspective. lol =)

Re: What not to say to someone who has just been laid off

#42

Post by bussierem »

wongarsu wrote: post #12
Am4TIfIsER0ppos wrote: post #4

"learn to code" but what do you (not) say to a programmer who got fired?

learn [new and hip language or framework] Or maybe "use the time off to set up a Kubernetes cluster"

why pile more suffering on top of their current amount?

Re: What not to say to someone who has just been laid off

#43

Post by bazoom42 »

sneak wrote: post #24

Why is being laid off being compared to the grief related to the death of a parent? Why would there be any grief from a layoff? It’s just a job. Anyone in mourning because they have to job hunt probably has some bigger issues that aren’t going to be helped in any way by what friends do or do not say.

Not every one is a higly paid software developer in a tech hub. If you live paycheck to paycheck in an area with high unemployment, have kids, and your health insurance is tied up with your employment, getting sacked can be pretty scary.

Re: What not to say to someone who has just been laid off

#44

Post by scionthefly »

blagie wrote: post #18

I'll mention one more thing which helps: Concrete offers of help. Depending on the circumstances, those can be practical (e.g. cooking and bringing food, covering part of funeral expenses/logistics) or supportive (e.g. making yourself available to talk through things or just be there for someone). A vague offer of help, many people will never make use of. "If there's anything I can do..." often doesn't quite signal "…

After a recent devastating family tragedy, a friend reached out and said "we are paying a lawn service to mow for you."

It was unexpected, related to something I had posted about trying to fix our riding lawnmower, and honestly took a huge chore off of our plate at a time when we needed to focus on family.

I've appreciated so many things people have done for us, from just a message, card, shoulder to cry on, or visiting at the hospital or attending a funeral. But I was taken aback at how important and meaningful that concrete and thoughtful help was. I'm now trying to look for ways I can offer something concrete and thoughful whenever possible.

Re: What not to say to someone who has just been laid off

#46

Post by ungawatkt »

HarryHirsch wrote: post #38
jackbravo wrote: post #29

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Oh wow. What would be more appropriate in a collectivist culture? Avoiding the message and instead go over to their house to do the things suggested above?

Offering to pass the name around in your circles or keeping ears open at your company, that would be actually helpful. I've always found "let me know how I can help" code for "don't bother me" in America. Especially bad and a red flag: "If you've got time this weekend we can grab lunch." The fellow might be in crisis now, but don't bother me until the weekend.

Like I said, change the specific phrasing as you want and makes sense, every situation and person is different. The goals were "offer help with an actual example" and "offering company/fun/distraction without being pushy", it doesn't have to be a weekend lunch or looking over practice questions, it could also be sending their resume to friends and gaming together later that night, same same.

Re: What not to say to someone who has just been laid off

#47

Post by Cupertino95014 »

Engineers instinctively want to solve problems. You can't solve this problem. They're going to feel awful for a while.

"Hey, you'll find another job!" or "Hey, in 6 months you'll be over it!" or mentioning Kubler-Ross are the wrong "solutions." And definitely anything about you is the wrong solution.

"I'm really sorry" sounds like boilerplate, but that's a good opening. And also a good closing.

Re: What not to say to someone who has just been laid off

#48

Post by theironhammer »

HarryHirsch wrote: post #38
jackbravo wrote: post #29

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Oh wow. What would be more appropriate in a collectivist culture? Avoiding the message and instead go over to their house to do the things suggested above?

Offering to pass the name around in your circles or keeping ears open at your company, that would be actually helpful. I've always found "let me know how I can help" code for "don't bother me" in America. Especially bad and a red flag: "If you've got time this weekend we can grab lunch." The fellow might be in crisis now, but don't bother me until the weekend.

No post body was provided.

Re: What not to say to someone who has just been laid off

#49

Post by dheera »

blagie wrote: post #18

I'll mention one more thing which helps: Concrete offers of help. Depending on the circumstances, those can be practical (e.g. cooking and bringing food, covering part of funeral expenses/logistics) or supportive (e.g. making yourself available to talk through things or just be there for someone). A vague offer of help, many people will never make use of. "If there's anything I can do..." often doesn't quite signal "…

As far as concrete offers of help go, if they're someone I trust professionally, I usually say something like "If there's anyone on my LinkedIn that you'd like an intro to please let me know and I'll try to make it happen."

And for friends, I'm also open to meals, walks, hugs, co-working for a couple hours in a coffee shop, whatever they would find helpful emotionally.

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