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Write a note to your spouse every day

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Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#41

Post by insightcheck »

haliskerbas wrote: post #33
ram_rar wrote: post #7

I am going to get a lot of flak for this. But the more I read things like these, the more I feel marriage is not for everyone and society has a whole should stop gushing down this concept to next generation. Personally I feel, If you have to write a note to your spouse everyday to "save your marriage", then you probably didnt have one to begin with.

Completely agree. I’m convinced that the get married have kids, raise them well, they become good workers, if you time it right we are all corporate drones as a happy family - dream is pretty horrible. I want to work to not have to work anymore. I can’t think about a partner because I’m too dead from work to give someone else the commitment they might deserve. Don’t want kids that sounds like work. Nothing is wrong w…

Would it be possible to change jobs/companies? Not all work is so draining that you can't have time for yourself, and many respect time boundaries. Hope you can one day make a living in a better environment.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#42

Post by alexashka »

slowmovintarget wrote: post #22
alexashka wrote: post #18

Imagine needing daily gratitude to function?

Imagine how expressing daily gratitude might change who you are. If you say things enough, you come to believe in them and act to make them true. Even if you wrote such notes every day, and never gave them to your partner, the act of writing them changes you. Perhaps, even, into a better partner.

Gratitude is only possible from a place of narcissism. Think about it.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#43

Post by em-bee »

sneak wrote: post #36
em-bee wrote: post #32

Earlier quoted context omitted.

this is probably related to the effect of different ways we perceive love. see the five love languages. we need to talk to our partners about that and try things to find out what makes them feel our love. and also tell them how we receive them.

The love languages concept is pseudoscience, just like the MBTI.

just like MBTI this is not an absolute where these types define your personality and predict your behavior that you can't escape. that of course is nonsense. but both are useful to get a better understanding about yourself, your partner and your relationship.

talking about these things with your partner works, and that helps to improve your relationship. i can confirm that from my personal experience.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#44

Post by 0x008 »

Is it just me or does anybody else think having to “do” something to want to talk to each other is weird? I feel like the trust between these two was very broken at this point. Usually when both parties have a healthy emotional well being and they like each other (and have kids also, so they have a lot in common I guess?) it would only be normal to want to talk with each other.

Looks more like a symptom of fatigue or emotional discomfort to me if you don’t want to talk to your spouse. I would start looking Into that before I would fire off random text book romantic gestures to “save my marriage”.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#45

Post by benhoyt »

the_gipsy wrote: post #29

> I’m a husband who is 30. I also have 4 kids, ages 6 and under. I’m the sole-provider for the family (though my wife works harder). Between the job, the kids, and extrafamilial obligations, there’s not a lot of time for communication with my wife. We’re on the go from sun-up to sun-down, and at the end of the day we drop into bed exhausted to get just enough sleep for the next day. Very often in the past, a week or…

It does sound hectic, but it's not hell, because he loves what he does, and clearly loves his wife and kids. That sacrifice (on the part of him and his wife) is for those they love.

I do think it's kinda weird to write his wife a daily note -- presumably it takes him 15-30 minutes to write the note. Why not spend that time talking face-to-face with her instead? For me and my wife (I'm in a similar stage of life) we cherish that ~30 minutes before bed to have a cup of tea, regroup, chat about the kind of things he writes in his note, and so on.

Though he did say that writing the notes has helped their relationship, and they now "talk more than ever (weird, right?)". So if it's working for him, keep it up!

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#46

Post by anotheruser092 »

marriedforever wrote: post #24
xupybd wrote: post #19

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Marriage takes work, lots of work. The reward in my experience is totally worth it. You have to lay down part of your life for the new life that you experience with your spouse and children. The individual you once were is now part of a family and no longer exists as an individual. You serve your family and they serve you back. For me the amount I give of myself is much less than I receive back from the marriage / fa…

> The reward in my experience is totally worth it. What is the reward?

Someone will consistently be there to care very much about you. Friends are more fickle (people change and move away), and your parents won't be there forever. Siblings can also move away, too. It's nice to have at least one person you can trust in the world.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#47

Post by szundi »

0x008 wrote: post #44

Is it just me or does anybody else think having to “do” something to want to talk to each other is weird? I feel like the trust between these two was very broken at this point. Usually when both parties have a healthy emotional well being and they like each other (and have kids also, so they have a lot in common I guess?) it would only be normal to want to talk with each other. Looks more like a symptom of fatigue or…

They have kids, pretty ok for fatigue to come in.

I think this is great, Jordan found something new and novel to reconnect and it worked. Who cares what it is if it worked. Shows affections.

People are different, what makes she happy would be weird for your spouse maybe.

I like it.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#48

Post by zwirbl »

lbrito wrote: post #40
ram_rar wrote: post #7

I am going to get a lot of flak for this. But the more I read things like these, the more I feel marriage is not for everyone and society has a whole should stop gushing down this concept to next generation. Personally I feel, If you have to write a note to your spouse everyday to "save your marriage", then you probably didnt have one to begin with.

>marriage is not for everyone For quite a long time this was a very obvious and common sense statement. That is literally the traditional view of the Catholic Church on marriage, for example. Things changed only very recently.

> That is literally the traditional view of the Catholic Church on marriage

Can you elaborate on that? Living as an unmarried couple is not very catholic AFAICT, and when not in a relationship, how should you marry?

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#49

Post by cleandreams »

Wow, so much negativity.

I think this is great advice. The key is being genuine and appreciative. Take care of your neediness in other ways. If you don't know how to listen, writing lots of notes can be just another way of monopolizing the conversation. Use the note as a way to maintain the intimacy you already have.

Ps my marriage lasted happily for 37 years until the untimely death of my beloved wife.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#50

Post by zwirbl »

namecheapTA wrote: post #12
ram_rar wrote: post #7

I am going to get a lot of flak for this. But the more I read things like these, the more I feel marriage is not for everyone and society has a whole should stop gushing down this concept to next generation. Personally I feel, If you have to write a note to your spouse everyday to "save your marriage", then you probably didnt have one to begin with.

Marriage isn't perfect, especially not with today's divorce law and family court system, but the idea of joining into a union with a new person and creating a new family unit, even if without kids, is probably the best system for most people. Single people have a way of going feral IMO.

What's bad about divorce laws? People's view on divorce and divorce laws of the past seems to be much more awful
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