How to deliver constructive feedback in difficult situations (2019)

"Yup."

> "Hey, I noticed you were a bit late in the last couple of meetings. I think it is somewhat important to be on time. Is there anything I can do to help you avoid being late next time?"

Below are very real (and somewhat common) responses I've seen to this type of question.

"Nope." (single word answer)

Also:

"I wasn't late" (person believes being up to 5 minutes late doesn't count as "late").

"We don't discuss anything important in this meeting."

"I have real work to do."

"I'm not needed in the meeting."

"You have plenty of topics you can discuss where I'm not needed. Just save the stuff you need me for till I arrive."

"No one's going to die if I'm a few minutes late."

Granted: Many of these responses would come with my phrasing as well :-)

I'm not opposed to your phrasing other than you never explained what the problem is with my being late. While it may be clear to many that you have a problem with being late, I assure you from experience that many (ordinary) people will not pick up on that. Why is being late a problem? Not in general, but for you and for this meeting.

You instead try to appeal to some kind of norm: "I think it's somewhat important to be on time." I can assure you many don't share that norm. Academic/tech/science people tend to avoid personalizing and prefer making statements that feel objective, like this one. I did this all the time, and it often led to arguments. This is one key thing I learned from all the books/courses I read/took on communications: Do personalize and do be specific. Don't invoke norms unless it's a company value without exceptions or your 100% sure the other party shares the norm. And don't make general statements.

I would take your statement and say it as:

"I noticed you were more than 5 minutes late in the last couple of meetings, and the meeting cannot proceed without you. It can be annoying for us to interrupt our work to attend the meeting and lose productivity while sitting and waiting. Would you be able to find a way to arrive on time? Is there anything I can do to help (e.g. change the meeting time to a more convenient one)?"

As for saying it to your boss: I have no problem saying it to mine. If my boss is consistently late and it affects my work, I do make sure to let him know. I've had to set up private meetings with my boss to let him know that his behavior in a working group meeting was causing problems. If you're not comfortable with these discussions with your boss, then I suggest you change your communication style or change your boss.

First off, "manipulative" is not an emotion. You could exchange "feels" with "seems" because language is important. It is not slightly ironic that programmer types can tend towards imprecise language when discussing EQ skills :-)

And sure, If by my words I am trying to avoid triggering your flight/flight/freeze response, I am technically "manipulating" you. In this context though, the manipulation is not obviously coming from a place of trying to get you to do something you don't intrinsically want to do (which is really the connotation you imply in your dismissal).

I had a coach teach me a valuable EQ skill that helps in these situations: You made up a story in your head that the speaker was trying to manipulate you into doing something that you didn't want to do. That's one story. Now come up with 5 more stories that could also be accurate. Sure, the 1st story could be the right assessment, but the other 5 have possibility as well. Why are you jumping on the 1st story as the only real one? By making that assumption, you have changed the energy of the whole exchange into a negative one unnecessarily.

Another perspective you could take when confronted with stilted language is that the person is trying (however ungracefully) to communicate with you in a way that shows they care about your emotional reaction. No matter the reason, it at least shows that they are taking your perspective into account, which is inherently better than not.