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A practical guide to reducing loneliness

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Re: A practical guide to reducing loneliness

#41

Post by wincy »

s0rce wrote: post #32
csdtx wrote: post #29

Loneliness comes from a lack of community and people who you can trust. You will not build a community and find people who you can trust through small talk and involving yourself in groups that are based on transient interests that can be changed in an instant. There is a reason gangs and groups have some sort of hazing and acceptance ceremony.

I agree, I have never made a long standing connection with someone I've met while going to a store in a city. I've gotten to know store owners for stores I've frequented over years but not just randomly running into customers. It seems like most cities I've lived in you don't really just start talking to people randomly, maybe I'm just not very friendly but it seems like a survival instinct to avoid crazy folks.

My wife is from New York and has this instinct you speak of. She gets mad when I talk to bank tellers. I grew up in the Midwest and chat with everyone. It makes sense too, because even in a city of a million, very often I’ll start chatting with someone and realize that we know someone in common. Happens all the time.

My wife said such a thing would NEVER happen in New York, there’s just too many people.

Re: A practical guide to reducing loneliness

#42

Post by adkadskhj »

BuildTheRobots wrote: post #37
csdtx wrote: post #29

Loneliness comes from a lack of community and people who you can trust. You will not build a community and find people who you can trust through small talk and involving yourself in groups that are based on transient interests that can be changed in an instant. There is a reason gangs and groups have some sort of hazing and acceptance ceremony.

This is one of the reasons I'm so quick to suggest Hackspaces to geeky adults looking for social contact. Due to the massively varied nature of activities there tends to be a couple of sub-groups that cater to your specific interests (even if it's only an interest that month) and overall tends to be a group of decent people that you can easily progress through the smalltalk phases and into actual friendships.

Yup. My thought process here[1] is that real friendships only occur from time. So you need long hours with people, whom you either get along with or you don't. You can choose the group of people to increase your odds for sharing interests or personality overlaps to help your chances, but it still requires time.

This is why work friendships in my experience are quite easy, even for an introverted hermit like myself. Often common interests between people, and _tons_ of time bonding.

If i really cared about forming more friendships i'd do what you suggested - find groups that interest me and spend the time needed to form friendships. I'm also a little weird in that while i get along with a lot of people and i am (hopefully) easy to get along with, i'm generally not interested in relationships without common interests and activities. Because i don't like to socialize purely for the sake of socializing - i like building something together, or playing something together, or enjoying food together, or whatever it is i am actually interested in.. which is usually software.

[1]: Which is probably useless, as i'm generally an introvert who still has less friends than i'd prefer.

Re: A practical guide to reducing loneliness

#43

Post by csomar »

542458 wrote: post #3
napolux wrote: post #2

If you are, like me, tired of Medium... https://archive.is/wip/UJQq2

Dumb question, what’s wrong with Medium (as a platform)? Also that link doesn’t work for me - server not found.

I couldn't read the article. I'm not sure if there is anything for the writer if he signs up to Medium.

Re: A practical guide to reducing loneliness

#44

Post by elric »

FinanceAnon wrote: post #12

Very superficial advice. I don't see how small-talk with strangers can fix loneliness long term.

A bit of small talk with (for instance) the mail man or the cashier every once in a while, adds up to a sort of superficial relationship over time. I would be loathe to say to say that this offers a "fix" for loneliness, but I also wouldn't trivialise the value of these types of relationships.

Re: A practical guide to reducing loneliness

#45

Post by KittenInABox »

FinanceAnon wrote: post #12

Very superficial advice. I don't see how small-talk with strangers can fix loneliness long term.

I feel that getting into the habit of small-talk can long-term reduce loneliness (not fix it necessarily) because the human brain is wired to feel some benefit when interacting with other humans or even being in the presence of other humans. That's why, eg. even though writing is a fairly solitary action, writers are often stereotyped as constantly being in ambiently social places like bars and coffee shops. You may genuinely feel less lonely when you're ambiently in the environment of other humans for whatever reason.

Re: A practical guide to reducing loneliness

#47

Post by conistonwater »

hattmall wrote: post #18
FinanceAnon wrote: post #16

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think loneliness is something that goes deeper than how many friends you have. You can be surrounded with people and still feel lonely.

I think that's depression. I'm guessing these tips are more for the technically lonely, which is probably a much higher number in the past due to WFH and quarantines.

That's not true at all. Also, historically, there's been a trend of attributing negative things to depression. I've read John Cacioppo's work (here's an interview: https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2017/04/how-lonel...), and as far as I know it's both scientifically well-founded and at least somewhat actionable.

Re: A practical guide to reducing loneliness

#48

Post by Tade0 »

I feel like there should be separate sets of advice for people in their 20s, 30s, 40s etc.

Anyway, I've met quite a few very lonely people (seems contradictory, but loneliness doesn't necessarily mean someone isn't going out at all) and a the few things that did work for them - at least temporarily - were:

-Getting a roommate, or moving to a shared apartment. There's nothing weird about doing this in your 30s anymore - housing hasn't been affordable for a while now. Doesn't mean they'll be your friends, but at least your social skills won't deteriorate any further.

-Volunteering. Be it an animal shelter or an open kitchen for the less fortunate. It's so much easier to connect with people if you have a common goal and there's always work to do at such places.

-Gaming - controversial, but certain games lend themselves to creating a community.

Re: A practical guide to reducing loneliness

#49

Post by em-bee »

BuildTheRobots wrote: post #37
csdtx wrote: post #29

Loneliness comes from a lack of community and people who you can trust. You will not build a community and find people who you can trust through small talk and involving yourself in groups that are based on transient interests that can be changed in an instant. There is a reason gangs and groups have some sort of hazing and acceptance ceremony.

This is one of the reasons I'm so quick to suggest Hackspaces to geeky adults looking for social contact. Due to the massively varied nature of activities there tends to be a couple of sub-groups that cater to your specific interests (even if it's only an interest that month) and overall tends to be a group of decent people that you can easily progress through the smalltalk phases and into actual friendships.

absolutely, also linux user groups.

everywhere i travelled or lived i was easily welcomed to be an active member of the local user group and from several i have friends that still remember me a decade or two later.

i don't even remember any smalltalk phase (except for the smalltalk programmers group :-). there usually was some topic or someone with a question and we launched straight into technical discussions. all i had to do was show up and participate occasionally.

Re: A practical guide to reducing loneliness

#50

Post by hombre_fatal »

wincy wrote: post #41
s0rce wrote: post #32

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I agree, I have never made a long standing connection with someone I've met while going to a store in a city. I've gotten to know store owners for stores I've frequented over years but not just randomly running into customers. It seems like most cities I've lived in you don't really just start talking to people randomly, maybe I'm just not very friendly but it seems like a survival instinct to avoid crazy folks.

My wife is from New York and has this instinct you speak of. She gets mad when I talk to bank tellers. I grew up in the Midwest and chat with everyone. It makes sense too, because even in a city of a million, very often I’ll start chatting with someone and realize that we know someone in common. Happens all the time. My wife said such a thing would NEVER happen in New York, there’s just too many people.

Most people here could benefit from talking to everyone and honing that skill, especially single guys, instead of just lambasting it as “small talk”.

When you don’t talk to people, you throw out a great amount of serendipity in life. e.g. Most of my friends right now and women I’ve dated I’ve met in lines at the coffee shop, parking my rental bike at the dock, and other unlikely places.

I wasn’t always that person so I empathize with the knee jerk kick against the idea, but it’s time to evolve, guys.

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