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Monica: Personal CRM. Remember everything about your friends, family and etc.

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Re: Monica: Personal CRM. Remember everything about your friends, family and etc.

#41

Post by kstrauser »

b0afc375b5 wrote: post #37

Not sure if this was already argued elsewhere as I understand that monica gets posted here frequently, but on the readme: > This project is for people who have hard time remembering details about other people's lives - especially the ones they care about. My argument is, if you actually cared for someone, wouldn't you take the effort to remember everything about them, rather than saving it in a social relationship da…

I disagree. I simply cannot remember all of the social niceties I’m expected to remember. For me personally, I show that I care for people by giving myself reminders that they have an important event.

Let’s turn this around: if a friend wishes you a happy birthday, do you know or care how and why they remembered?

Re: Monica: Personal CRM. Remember everything about your friends, family and etc.

#42

Post by brigandish »

b0afc375b5 wrote: post #37

Not sure if this was already argued elsewhere as I understand that monica gets posted here frequently, but on the readme: > This project is for people who have hard time remembering details about other people's lives - especially the ones they care about. My argument is, if you actually cared for someone, wouldn't you take the effort to remember everything about them, rather than saving it in a social relationship da…

Perhaps the causality is in both directions. Something I learned from doing Tibetan lamrim meditation - where you use memories and imagined scenarios to produce specific emotions to arise - is that you can start with something quite artificial or forced but this will lead to something genuine later down the line via practice. For example, if I think about all the things my mother did for me through my life, even before it, dreaming about me before she knew me, wishing the best for me, keeping me safe and trying hard to get me the best education, the best upbringing she could and so on… that can start off (and probably did in my case as a selfish ingrate) as a thought without the associated feeling of gratitude but I can tell you that writing that right now brought tears to my eyes as gratitude arose immediately.

In the same way, perhaps it's the case that if you remember more about more people then you will care more about more people? Certainly, making the effort to remember would suggest you care to begin with and wish for that to grow.

Re: Monica: Personal CRM. Remember everything about your friends, family and etc.

#43

Post by scipio_orleans »

b0afc375b5 wrote: post #37

Not sure if this was already argued elsewhere as I understand that monica gets posted here frequently, but on the readme: > This project is for people who have hard time remembering details about other people's lives - especially the ones they care about. My argument is, if you actually cared for someone, wouldn't you take the effort to remember everything about them, rather than saving it in a social relationship da…

> wouldn't you take the effort to remember everything about them

You mean like the effort of writing it down? I see nothing ingenuine about understanding your cognitive limits and working around them to show that you care.

> I've met maybe 1000 people in my lifetime, I could count in my ten fingers the people I care about. Can people actually care about other people, AT SCALE, to the point where you would need an app for that?

Well I'd like to work on caring about more people. I think with personal CRMS it might help expand out my pool of and push conversations past the same ole small talk each time. Like if I can pull up something from the last convo that'd help.

Re: Monica: Personal CRM. Remember everything about your friends, family and etc.

#44

Post by floatingatoll »

b0afc375b5 wrote: post #37

Not sure if this was already argued elsewhere as I understand that monica gets posted here frequently, but on the readme: > This project is for people who have hard time remembering details about other people's lives - especially the ones they care about. My argument is, if you actually cared for someone, wouldn't you take the effort to remember everything about them, rather than saving it in a social relationship da…

It sounds luxurious to have the capability to “just” remember these things. After decades of being alive, I can tell you with certainty that my mom’s birthday is one of two days each year, but I have no idea which of those two days it is. We get along famously and I’m welcome at any time, because she loves me for who I am, not for what I cannot do: remember her birthday correctly.

I think she’d be more shocked that I was able to remember it than she would mind at all if I kept notes about her so I could remember. I think she would take immense personal offense if I did so using something terrible like Facebook, as would most in my family — but if I’m keeping it local to myself alone, I don’t expect it would be any trouble at all. She trusts that by now I’m competent at the Internet, because she watched me learn how to do my computer jobs as a young child.

I would be the topic of the day at a family gathering for doing this, though! We would all hash out the entire thing in lurid detail over meals and walks. Some would ask to see their records, and I’d happily comply. If I didn’t feel strongly about them, I wouldn’t bother taking notes at all, and they all understand the family rule: only ask questions you truly wish to know the answer to. If they can’t handle what I relegate to a notebook about them, then they shouldn’t ask to read my notebook about them. This is obvious to us. It’s a simple extension of the family rule.

Maybe your social circles are different and less flexible on this matter, but that’s not at all how it would work for mine.

Re: Monica: Personal CRM. Remember everything about your friends, family and etc.

#45

Post by b0afc375b5 »

kstrauser wrote: post #41
b0afc375b5 wrote: post #37

Not sure if this was already argued elsewhere as I understand that monica gets posted here frequently, but on the readme: > This project is for people who have hard time remembering details about other people's lives - especially the ones they care about. My argument is, if you actually cared for someone, wouldn't you take the effort to remember everything about them, rather than saving it in a social relationship da…

I disagree. I simply cannot remember all of the social niceties I’m expected to remember. For me personally, I show that I care for people by giving myself reminders that they have an important event. Let’s turn this around: if a friend wishes you a happy birthday, do you know or care how and why they remembered?

True. If someone wished me happy birthday I would be glad.

On the other side, however, I've already sent countless happy birthdays, merry christmases, and happy new years. Every time I do it I have this gut feeling of inauthenticity. I think to myself, "do I really care about these people".

I'm just basically trying to figure out if this is my personal issue or if anyone else feel the same way. Thanks for the response!

Re: Monica: Personal CRM. Remember everything about your friends, family and etc.

#46

Post by Nexxxeh »

b0afc375b5 wrote: post #37

Not sure if this was already argued elsewhere as I understand that monica gets posted here frequently, but on the readme: > This project is for people who have hard time remembering details about other people's lives - especially the ones they care about. My argument is, if you actually cared for someone, wouldn't you take the effort to remember everything about them, rather than saving it in a social relationship da…

I have genuine relationships with people, but some days I can't remember how old I am.

You might be both overthinking it, and overestimating some of the people who would use this.

I put friends birthdays in my Google calendar. It's not because I don't care about them enough to remember it. It's because I care enough to work around my own failings for them.

Re: Monica: Personal CRM. Remember everything about your friends, family and etc.

#47

Post by b0afc375b5 »

scipio_orleans wrote: post #43
b0afc375b5 wrote: post #37

Not sure if this was already argued elsewhere as I understand that monica gets posted here frequently, but on the readme: > This project is for people who have hard time remembering details about other people's lives - especially the ones they care about. My argument is, if you actually cared for someone, wouldn't you take the effort to remember everything about them, rather than saving it in a social relationship da…

> wouldn't you take the effort to remember everything about them You mean like the effort of writing it down? I see nothing ingenuine about understanding your cognitive limits and working around them to show that you care. > I've met maybe 1000 people in my lifetime, I could count in my ten fingers the people I care about. Can people actually care about other people, AT SCALE, to the point where you would need an app…

I think it's a noble goal to genuinely care about more poeple.

> Like if I can pull up something from the last convo that'd help.

I can relate to this. Every time I'm alone with someone, my brain goes to overdrive and I ask myself questions like "what can we talk about" , "what common interests do we have", "how can I make him/her laugh", "what about this person that I don't know yet that I can ask" just to 'develop' the relationship.

But after a while of doing this, and observing myself doing this, I get burnt out and go 'f it, who cares'. If I cared about this person, it wouldn't feel such a grind to create/maintain this relationship.

Re: Monica: Personal CRM. Remember everything about your friends, family and etc.

#48

Post by kstrauser »

b0afc375b5 wrote: post #45
kstrauser wrote: post #41

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I disagree. I simply cannot remember all of the social niceties I’m expected to remember. For me personally, I show that I care for people by giving myself reminders that they have an important event. Let’s turn this around: if a friend wishes you a happy birthday, do you know or care how and why they remembered?

True. If someone wished me happy birthday I would be glad. On the other side, however, I've already sent countless happy birthdays, merry christmases, and happy new years. Every time I do it I have this gut feeling of inauthenticity. I think to myself, "do I really care about these people". I'm just basically trying to figure out if this is my personal issue or if anyone else feel the same way. Thanks for the respons…

Is there a difference, really? You’re observing social customs that make people feel nice, and honestly, the fact that you’re doing those things is what the recipients actually care about.

Again, the last time your friend wished you happy birthday, did you wonder if they were being authentic or did it just feel nice that your friend remembered? Cut yourself the same slack!

Re: Monica: Personal CRM. Remember everything about your friends, family and etc.

#49

Post by b0afc375b5 »

floatingatoll wrote: post #44
b0afc375b5 wrote: post #37

Not sure if this was already argued elsewhere as I understand that monica gets posted here frequently, but on the readme: > This project is for people who have hard time remembering details about other people's lives - especially the ones they care about. My argument is, if you actually cared for someone, wouldn't you take the effort to remember everything about them, rather than saving it in a social relationship da…

It sounds luxurious to have the capability to “just” remember these things. After decades of being alive, I can tell you with certainty that my mom’s birthday is one of two days each year, but I have no idea which of those two days it is. We get along famously and I’m welcome at any time, because she loves me for who I am, not for what I cannot do: remember her birthday correctly. I think she’d be more shocked that I…

I'm still in my late 20s and have admittedly not yet experienced everything the world has to offer. Thanks for sharing your story!

Re: Monica: Personal CRM. Remember everything about your friends, family and etc.

#50

Post by hisnameisjimmy »

b0afc375b5 wrote: post #37

Not sure if this was already argued elsewhere as I understand that monica gets posted here frequently, but on the readme: > This project is for people who have hard time remembering details about other people's lives - especially the ones they care about. My argument is, if you actually cared for someone, wouldn't you take the effort to remember everything about them, rather than saving it in a social relationship da…

I totally get this thinking, but I am oriented totally differently from you. I will forget my friend's birthdays, their kids names, their wife's names, things they've talked about recently, etc, etc. I have a terrible memory for this stuff. I'm not sure if it's just me being stubborn, but all of these things just feel very slippery to my mind. On the other end, I will remember in vibrant detail very trivial facts that have no real function for me. Does that mean I care about trivial facts more than my friends? I hope not.

I think of it like this. I don't pay attention to lyrics in most music, I pay attention to the feel/tune. With friends, it's all about emotional connection, not my ability to recall facts. I honestly don't think one or the other is better or worse, it's just different. People show care differently.

For me, who has trouble with things that people often associate with caring (like yourself maybe), this acts as a crutch to help me show caring in a way that other people recognize but that isn't natural to me. I would actually argue that me investing into a program like this actually shows just how much I care that I want to make up for my natural capability with a pretty involved program.

Another side benefit, it's also really nice for acquaintances that you really want to keep up with, but because of irregular correspondence they are very easy to slip from memory.

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