I am a people pleaser. Something that helps me in relationships: I try to think of my actions in terms of the effects on the overall system rather than what my instincts tell me is the "right" thing to do. I can't trust my instincts. I have to analyze situations. And I know my people pleasing instincts are very harmful for all of my relationships - work, friendship, romantic - all of them.
How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes
41–50 of 280 posts
Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes
#42I see it very often that people who say 'yes' = good people, and people who say 'no' = bad peoples. I've certainly worked in places where turning down drinks after hours isolates you socially. I have also worked in places where those that say 'yes', typically are quite insufferable. I think for many years I have tried to be a 'yes' person but undercover. For example if I agree to drinks and I am aware there is another group that is also forming - with people I am less inclined to socialise with - I will steer the two groups apart 'Oh but I wanted to go somewhere I could eat'. I know this makes me a pretty bad person. More recently I have been able to be more upfront, and tell people I will 'see how it pans out'. If the group gets too big - which typically I can't deal with - then I will bow out.
TLDR - It's a minefield peoples.
Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes
#43Watch out for saying no. People you work with learn what things you will say no to and rephrase the question to avoid a let down or start asking the wrong question and then misquoting themselves later. This becomes a cat and mouse game of trying to determine what people’s intent really is. Humans are built for deception. I tend to respond with “let me sit down and think about this” then send them an email with their…
Interesting. Could you give an example of rephrasing and being tricky/evasive?
Here is one, with my wife:
Me: "Honey, I'm horny, let's have sex"
Her: "No, I am tired, i just got off from work, I need to lay down in bed to catch my breath"
Me: "No need to do anything then. You'll catch your breath, and I'll do the work %wink% %wink%"
Her: "It never happens like that and you know it"
Me: "Nope, not today, trust me"
And eventually she gives up, we have sex and guess what! It wasn't like that today either. And she always knows it. But she enjoys it nevertheless. C'est la vie ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes
#44Watch out for saying no. People you work with learn what things you will say no to and rephrase the question to avoid a let down or start asking the wrong question and then misquoting themselves later. This becomes a cat and mouse game of trying to determine what people’s intent really is. Humans are built for deception. I tend to respond with “let me sit down and think about this” then send them an email with their…
Interesting. Could you give an example of rephrasing and being tricky/evasive?
My wife is a fine example:
Problem: coffee machine not working.
Her representation of the problem: we need to buy a new coffee machine.
Really what’s going on: coffee machine needs cleaning properly but it doesn’t match the rest of the stuff in the kitchen now.
Edit: I'm sure this analogy probably works better for the folk downvoting when you look at it in terms of computation. Perhaps I should have write "the developer wants to rewrite this function as a microservice" whereas the real problem is "we need to fix this defect".
The real thing is the developer wants to write a new shiny microservice full of new bugs rather than actually fix the damn bugs. Same as my wife wants a new shiny coffee machine but doesn't want to clean the old one (which is a shitty job, which I did in the end anyway because I made the faulty decision of saying yes to myself too quickly. I also fixed the bug)
Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes
#45[deleted]
Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes
#46Book recommendations in that respect: - "No more Mr. Nice Guy" Robert A. Glover: A great book on identification and elimination of nice guy behaviors with lots of exercises. - "When I say no I feel guilty" Manuel J. Smith: Techniques with lots of examples on how to stay assertive and deal with attempts to manipulate you into doing something. Relevant for dealing with colleagues, spouses, shop clerks, ... There are ot…
I just discovered "No more Mr. Nice Guy" a few weeks ago and it is completely blowing my mind!
Just make sure to balance out its prejudice with The Will to Change
Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes
#47Watch out for saying no. People you work with learn what things you will say no to and rephrase the question to avoid a let down or start asking the wrong question and then misquoting themselves later. This becomes a cat and mouse game of trying to determine what people’s intent really is. Humans are built for deception. I tend to respond with “let me sit down and think about this” then send them an email with their…
It reads like a glass half empty. The half full maybe to let people know what you say "yes" to. Carrot and stick.
I personally don’t deal well with evasive behavior, asking or being asked.
Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes
#48My life got a lot better after I stopped considering questions in terms of my own preferences and started considering them in terms of how they would connect me to others. I really don’t want to go out for drinks after work. But this preference is nothing compared to how much I value the friendships that come from doing it. Hiking a mountain is not in the top 100 things I want to do with my weekend. But a shared expe…
beautifully written. Indeed my problem is the contrary to the one in the article "How to say yes, for people closed in themselves who always say no."
Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes
#49Earlier quoted context omitted.
A "soft no" implies respectful environment. Current working and world conditions precludes this. If you find yourself working for an environment that has started positive transformation, a "soft no" will be heard. This is indicative of such an environment (a listening environment).
I don’t think a soft vs hard no has much to do with respect (and I’m not sure why you think respectful working relationships aren’t possible). A hard no is just a definitive answer, and can be delivered as respectfully as you like. A soft no is usually an “I would if not for...”. Which some people will simply read as an invitation to remove blockers, or correct your mistaken prioritization decisions, so that you can…
--
Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes
#50Book recommendations in that respect: - "No more Mr. Nice Guy" Robert A. Glover: A great book on identification and elimination of nice guy behaviors with lots of exercises. - "When I say no I feel guilty" Manuel J. Smith: Techniques with lots of examples on how to stay assertive and deal with attempts to manipulate you into doing something. Relevant for dealing with colleagues, spouses, shop clerks, ... There are ot…
I've never heard of Robert A. Glover but the book sounds very interesting. Man, the GoodReads reviews are getting destroyed.
[deleted]