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The Cost of Avoiding Sensitive Questions

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Re: The Cost of Avoiding Sensitive Questions

#41

Post by fouc »

acidburnNSA wrote: post #37
rcurry wrote: post #30

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The worst one for me was the guy who didn’t wash his hands after using the restroom. One day, one of my team members told me about this, and I didn’t believe him, ha ha, so a few days later I’m in the restroom and this guy comes out of a stall and just walks out the door. So about a week later my guy who’d complained about it had some problem with one of our other systems, and who do they send over to help him out? Y…

You said stall so I am onboard with your disgust. This always reminds me about a Richard Feynman story where he'd stand in the bathroom and ridicule people who washed their hands after using the urinal, saying the urine was sterile anyway. I find that kind of hilarious. Colleagues complained all the time, like "well I was headed to lunch anyway and always wash my hands before lunch"

The first spurts of urine aren't actually sterile, nevermind the area around the urinal (where there's probably a non-zero chance of transfer).

Ultimately washing hands is for the benefit of other people. It just shows conscientiousness.

Re: The Cost of Avoiding Sensitive Questions

#42

Post by vanniv »

asveikau wrote: post #12
zrkrlc wrote: post #3

Hmm, in my head, I model conversation as a game of who can get the mine the most "intimacy", if you will, while revealing the least about oneself. So risque topics are, as the adjective suggests, high risk, but also high reward. Correspondingly, small talk is a lot of low risk, low reward back-and-forth. You don't have to be intimate with a stranger, but you need to stick your neck out if you want to progress beyond…

Some personal advice: stop viewing your interactions in this transactional way and just be yourself. Stop giving a shit who reveals what and the perceived balance or imbalance of the same. Be kind and be generous.

If I were to "just be myself" at work, I would be fired very quickly -- because my self is outside the narrow little band of what is "approved of" in my workplace.

Every conversation of a sensitive nature is an opportunity for disaster if not treated with the utmost care not to be "found out"

Re: The Cost of Avoiding Sensitive Questions

#44

Post by Yessing »

9nGQluzmnq3M wrote: post #23

I'm a regular reader of Ask a Manager ( https://www.askamanager.org/ ), and one thing that comes up over and over is how both managers and employees will avoid awkward topics ranging from trivial ("your breath smells") to consequential ("you need to step up or you'll be fired!"), to the point of going to extremes like quitting the job, just to avoid having a genuine conversation with somebody. And I'm guilty of this…

"not offending others by asking sensitive questions/Avoiding awkward" is the polite thing to do.

But a core part of being polite, is not hruting others through your actions directly or undirectly. ( or at least trying)

In cases where not asking the question puts the other party in a disadvantage or at the risk thereof, I feel one shouldn't be allowed to claim that one was being polite or "doing the right thing".

You were being either too shy, cowardly or selfish. This doesn't mean that you must ask such questions/ venture in those topics. But it certainly does mean, that those that don't, shouldn't be allowed to claim active virtues ( to others or to themselves).

* Also, if one chooses to not inform the other party of the problem, I feel that one shouldn't make them suffer for that choice. Which means at the very least, not trashtalking them behind their backs for it.

The first part is about being good, the second part is about not being actively evil.

Re: The Cost of Avoiding Sensitive Questions

#45

Post by Yessing »

rcurry wrote: post #30
9nGQluzmnq3M wrote: post #23

I'm a regular reader of Ask a Manager ( https://www.askamanager.org/ ), and one thing that comes up over and over is how both managers and employees will avoid awkward topics ranging from trivial ("your breath smells") to consequential ("you need to step up or you'll be fired!"), to the point of going to extremes like quitting the job, just to avoid having a genuine conversation with somebody. And I'm guilty of this…

The worst one for me was the guy who didn’t wash his hands after using the restroom. One day, one of my team members told me about this, and I didn’t believe him, ha ha, so a few days later I’m in the restroom and this guy comes out of a stall and just walks out the door. So about a week later my guy who’d complained about it had some problem with one of our other systems, and who do they send over to help him out? Y…

while the disgust is warranted, I can't help but feel that you've created a toxic culture there.

for example, the Keyboard scene, being horrified because someone touched your keyboard is not logical behaviour. In fact, the keyboard is probably more disgusting than the toilet paper.

The actions of your employee were not rational. But by validating them you create a mob.

"begin sickned/disguested" becomes a behavior of the in-group. Mocking that guy, overreacting is than encouraged by social validation. These are the same dynamics as bullying because it is a form of bullying.

Plus, this is exacerbated by your team member ( and maybe you later, just by asking) going arround bad-mouthing him.

Imagine if everyone started acting hostile towards you and you had no way to know why?

Re: The Cost of Avoiding Sensitive Questions

#47

Post by _y5hn »

mikestew wrote: post #38
acidburnNSA wrote: post #37

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You said stall so I am onboard with your disgust. This always reminds me about a Richard Feynman story where he'd stand in the bathroom and ridicule people who washed their hands after using the urinal, saying the urine was sterile anyway. I find that kind of hilarious. Colleagues complained all the time, like "well I was headed to lunch anyway and always wash my hands before lunch"

Mr. Feyman’s mistake is assuming I’m trying to wash away urine. I touch stuff other than my dick throughout the day. Post-piss is as good a time as any. Not that I would have ever that I felt I owed such an asshole an explanation.

Piss starts smelling over time. You can drink it but don't pretend it's water. Various situations like sickness can contaminate and spread through urine. Some besserwissers just aren't.

Re: The Cost of Avoiding Sensitive Questions

#48

Post by _y5hn »

Yessing wrote: post #45
rcurry wrote: post #30

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The worst one for me was the guy who didn’t wash his hands after using the restroom. One day, one of my team members told me about this, and I didn’t believe him, ha ha, so a few days later I’m in the restroom and this guy comes out of a stall and just walks out the door. So about a week later my guy who’d complained about it had some problem with one of our other systems, and who do they send over to help him out? Y…

while the disgust is warranted, I can't help but feel that you've created a toxic culture there. for example, the Keyboard scene, being horrified because someone touched your keyboard is not logical behaviour. In fact, the keyboard is probably more disgusting than the toilet paper. The actions of your employee were not rational. But by validating them you create a mob. "begin sickned/disguested" becomes a behavior of…

Exactly this. Doesn't pass The Golden Rule. HN upbringing v2.0

Re: The Cost of Avoiding Sensitive Questions

#49

Post by _y5hn »

mc3 wrote: post #32
9nGQluzmnq3M wrote: post #23

I'm a regular reader of Ask a Manager ( https://www.askamanager.org/ ), and one thing that comes up over and over is how both managers and employees will avoid awkward topics ranging from trivial ("your breath smells") to consequential ("you need to step up or you'll be fired!"), to the point of going to extremes like quitting the job, just to avoid having a genuine conversation with somebody. And I'm guilty of this…

Genuine conversations are sometimes risky. Quitting once you have a job secured can be favorable to being fired, for example. Not having genuine conversations is part of the game unfortunately. Most orgs are political.

Most people are sheep and it is unfortunate.

Re: The Cost of Avoiding Sensitive Questions

#50

Post by jakelazaroff »

rcurry wrote: post #30
9nGQluzmnq3M wrote: post #23

I'm a regular reader of Ask a Manager ( https://www.askamanager.org/ ), and one thing that comes up over and over is how both managers and employees will avoid awkward topics ranging from trivial ("your breath smells") to consequential ("you need to step up or you'll be fired!"), to the point of going to extremes like quitting the job, just to avoid having a genuine conversation with somebody. And I'm guilty of this…

The worst one for me was the guy who didn’t wash his hands after using the restroom. One day, one of my team members told me about this, and I didn’t believe him, ha ha, so a few days later I’m in the restroom and this guy comes out of a stall and just walks out the door. So about a week later my guy who’d complained about it had some problem with one of our other systems, and who do they send over to help him out? Y…

> I straight up just walked over to his cube, unplugged his keyboard and threw it in the trash and told him “Go tell IT you need a new keyboard.”

I’m not sure whether you’re proud of this story, but that is an extreme overreaction. What grown adult throws away a keyboard (company property!) rather than having a conversation with someone? Did you also go around removing the doorknobs to all the rooms this person went into?

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