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Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication

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Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication

#41

Post by musicale »

ignoramous wrote: post #30

Kevin Hale, at startupschool 2019, spoke in length on How to Work Together [0]. Key points aside from non-violent communication were, everyone fights, but when you fight, stay away from these four horsemen [1]: 1. Criticism : Involves bringing in variety or unrelated issues to the discussion / argument. Focus on the one thing that needs resolution. 2. Contempt : Argumentum ad hominem. Intention to insult, making thin…

I tend to prefer strategies for finding common ground among potentially competing values, needs and wants of multiple stakeholders.

The goal of consensus is similar - to find common ground and a workable solution that everyone is OK with.

Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication

#42

Post by chapium »

elchief wrote: post #18

I read the book, and found it useful I'd also recommend Feeling Good, by David Burns. It's about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which is similar to Stoicism. It has a couple chapters on dealing with difficult people. There's an audio book

thank you for the recommendation! from the title i would have avoided it

Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication

#43

Post by ryanwaggoner »

hansdieter1337 wrote: post #28
woodandsteel wrote: post #8

Earlier quoted context omitted.

What would you recommend a person in that situation say instead?

Hmmm maybe sth like “Please don’t eat my food” :) I guess the request should be clear also when I say “I don’t like that you eat my food.” I wonder why nowadays you have to be ultra-PC with everyone. If everyone gets used to that, won’t everyone’s sensitivity for non-PC drop? I feel like we’re creating a generation of people that can’t take a punch anymore.

Nonviolent Communication is 30-40 years old at this point.

Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication

#44

Post by catalogia »

aeternum wrote: post #33
cryptoz wrote: post #20

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's not a "direct ask". The "would you be willing to" hides the direct question behind weasel words and adds confusion. The additional phrase equivocates the person's initial point; now it is ambigious if the person asking about the food cares at all about the food itself, or is just curious about if the person would be willing . The person could say "Yes" and then nothing will change, because this is not a "direct…

Adding "would you be willing" does serve a purpose, it makes it easier for the other person to say "yes" since they don't yet have to commit. This is very important in any negotiation. For example, the other person could respond with "Yes, I would if you clean the kitchen after making food".

It lets the other person know that you think so little of them that you're willing to communicate with them in an artificial manner meant to manipulate them into complying. It's the antithesis of humane; it's an impersonal and heartless mode of communication masking itself as empathetic.

That's the way I feel when people use it on me.

Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication

#45

Post by ryanwaggoner »

rm_-rf_slash wrote: post #35

Huh, my fiancée and I developed a system years ago that approximates this approach by replacing statements with what we call “food codes”. For example: “Applesauce” is equivalent to “I can’t hear you”, or “speak up” or “stop mumbling”. “Applesauce Factory” means “I can’t hear you because you are too far away or something noisy is making it hard to hear you” - very convenient verbal shorthand for when it’s too noisy t…

lol, this is amazing.

Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication

#46

Post by novok »

_def wrote: post #12
n42 wrote: post #7

I learned this at a company retreat at some point. We all kind of rolled our eyes and went along with the exercise. I now use it to great effect almost daily in both personal and professional relationships. It takes a little care and thought to apply it well. I've found when done effectively, it can unlock difficult conversations and turn even the most hostile interactions into productive conversations. You are demon…

> We all kind of rolled our eyes and went along with the exercise. I now use it to great effect almost daily in both personal and professional relationships. Reactions like that tell me once again that a lot of people really underestimate simple stuff like this. I hope that in the future simple and useful psychology topics will find their way into our schools so that the acceptance and understanding for the usefulnes…

When you actually read the book, you find it has a very awkward way of speaking which can induce eyerolls.

Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication

#47

Post by pfranz »

_def wrote: post #12
n42 wrote: post #7

I learned this at a company retreat at some point. We all kind of rolled our eyes and went along with the exercise. I now use it to great effect almost daily in both personal and professional relationships. It takes a little care and thought to apply it well. I've found when done effectively, it can unlock difficult conversations and turn even the most hostile interactions into productive conversations. You are demon…

> We all kind of rolled our eyes and went along with the exercise. I now use it to great effect almost daily in both personal and professional relationships. Reactions like that tell me once again that a lot of people really underestimate simple stuff like this. I hope that in the future simple and useful psychology topics will find their way into our schools so that the acceptance and understanding for the usefulnes…

I think the skepticism is the "quick fix" "trendy" packages that get peddled to businesses or show up in pop culture--like Power Poses or The Secret. Nonviolent Communication isn't the greatest name, either.

Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication

#49

Post by jxcl »

rm_-rf_slash wrote: post #35

Huh, my fiancée and I developed a system years ago that approximates this approach by replacing statements with what we call “food codes”. For example: “Applesauce” is equivalent to “I can’t hear you”, or “speak up” or “stop mumbling”. “Applesauce Factory” means “I can’t hear you because you are too far away or something noisy is making it hard to hear you” - very convenient verbal shorthand for when it’s too noisy t…

Can you give some examples of how you use this? Do you use the words by themselves? If your partner is being overbearing and annoying do you just say “soufflé” and they stop talking?

Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication

#50

Post by ryanwaggoner »

musicale wrote: post #41
ignoramous wrote: post #30

Kevin Hale, at startupschool 2019, spoke in length on How to Work Together [0]. Key points aside from non-violent communication were, everyone fights, but when you fight, stay away from these four horsemen [1]: 1. Criticism : Involves bringing in variety or unrelated issues to the discussion / argument. Focus on the one thing that needs resolution. 2. Contempt : Argumentum ad hominem. Intention to insult, making thin…

I tend to prefer strategies for finding common ground among potentially competing values, needs and wants of multiple stakeholders. The goal of consensus is similar - to find common ground and a workable solution that everyone is OK with.

NVC is a tool for doing this (along with other goals), not an alternative to this.
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