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Sperm-Donor Siblings: A Family Portrait

nytimes.com

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Re: Sperm-Donor Siblings: A Family Portrait

#41

Post by magneticnorth »

thrw19 wrote: post #24
earthscienceman wrote: post #10

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Well. You can hear my voice. I'm the child of a sperm donor. I didn't learn about it till I was 18... which was more than a bit strange. The emotions that come from the combination of society's familial expectations, your own complicated family, and just the general fact that it's nice to be alive is a really strange cocktail. But... I'm not sure resent is a word that I would ever use, even in my bizarre situation of…

Do you think things would have been different for you, if you knew about it since you were a child? I'm a 35 years old male that can't have kids. Not possible, say the doctors. I love children and me and my wife are considering using a sperm donor. Should all work as we hope, we are not sure how to approach exactly this situation of telling our child about it. At first I thought we should just keep it a secret, but t…

I'm not the person you were asking, but I agree that keeping this a secret seems like a mistake. Between the increasing popularity of genetics & ancestry services and the increase in health & fitness tracking, it seems extremely likely that your child would eventually find out that they aren't related to your side of the family and/or have half siblings out there.

The lie seems potentially much more damaging to your relationship than the fact that you are a loving father to a deeply wanted child who does not share your blood.

Re: Sperm-Donor Siblings: A Family Portrait

#42

Post by buboard »

xwdv wrote: post #6

Aside from the bizarre, uncomfortable poses in the photographs, the subjects all look somewhat dejected, as if their existence in this world is very clinical. Not sure if that’s what the photographer was going for but kudos to him for keeping such a consistent style across multiple loosely related people. I imagine it could be like herding cats.

I found them funny, in fact i'm pretty sure the photographer was being deliberately porno-ironic with some of the guys. Refreshingly fun pics and a step away from work-safe sterile photography.

Re: Sperm-Donor Siblings: A Family Portrait

#43

Post by UsefulAlt »

magneticnorth wrote: post #41
thrw19 wrote: post #24

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Do you think things would have been different for you, if you knew about it since you were a child? I'm a 35 years old male that can't have kids. Not possible, say the doctors. I love children and me and my wife are considering using a sperm donor. Should all work as we hope, we are not sure how to approach exactly this situation of telling our child about it. At first I thought we should just keep it a secret, but t…

I'm not the person you were asking, but I agree that keeping this a secret seems like a mistake. Between the increasing popularity of genetics & ancestry services and the increase in health & fitness tracking, it seems extremely likely that your child would eventually find out that they aren't related to your side of the family and/or have half siblings out there. The lie seems potentially much more damaging to your…

>The lie seems potentially much more damaging to your relationship than the fact that you are a loving father to a deeply wanted child who does not share your blood.

As someone who found out the hard way - 100% fully agreed. I loved my father (mother too) very much, and they, me.

And now that I know the truth and they have both passed, we can never talk about it, and there is a thorn of resentment that, frankly, I do not know if I will ever be able to fully remove.

Re: Sperm-Donor Siblings: A Family Portrait

#45

Post by snazz »

Tomminn wrote: post #39

Is it just me, or do all the photos feel strangely sexualized?

I don't think it's just you, but I don't think it's intentional either. Other comments (backed up by the article) have said that the goal might have been to make the subjects look uncomfortable, which at a second look seems perfectly plausible.

Re: Sperm-Donor Siblings: A Family Portrait

#47

Post by TotempaaltJ »

crispyporkbites wrote: post #16
CommieBobDole wrote: post #4

I guess it's just the photographer's style, but every one of those portraits looks like the subject been posed in a way that's unnatural for them, and they're not enjoying it.

Meh, I think they all look like they’re trying hard to look like they’re not enjoying it, aka hipster, it’s not cool to be happy

I do think there's the factor of the type of camera used: it's mentioned that it takes a while to take the picture.

Re: Sperm-Donor Siblings: A Family Portrait

#48

Post by fouc »

ChuckMcM wrote: post #26

Ok, that is an interesting diversion on a Friday. I too was struck by the odd poses, some of them seem to me as if they are trying to evoke a sexual response although given their consistency I attribute it primarily to the style the photographer imputes on his work. Given all the internal dialog he includes I'm pretty sure the similarity of emotions is intentional. That said, the most interesting thing for me in the…

Odd poses but without any sort of smouldering look on their face, it's more plain/openness on their face. Really doesn't feel sexual at all. Not even the open legged poses.

Re: Sperm-Donor Siblings: A Family Portrait

#49

Post by shagie »

faissaloo wrote: post #34

Is anyone else concerned about a reduction in genetic diversity?

The donor is nowhere close to the impact that Genghis Kahn had on the Y chromosome. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1180246/ - and that was in the 11th century with a total word population of about 400M.

A few dozen children from one father today, in a world with a population of 7.5B should not be any concern.

Re: Sperm-Donor Siblings: A Family Portrait

#50

Post by fnerw23124 »

thrw19 wrote: post #24
earthscienceman wrote: post #10

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Well. You can hear my voice. I'm the child of a sperm donor. I didn't learn about it till I was 18... which was more than a bit strange. The emotions that come from the combination of society's familial expectations, your own complicated family, and just the general fact that it's nice to be alive is a really strange cocktail. But... I'm not sure resent is a word that I would ever use, even in my bizarre situation of…

Do you think things would have been different for you, if you knew about it since you were a child? I'm a 35 years old male that can't have kids. Not possible, say the doctors. I love children and me and my wife are considering using a sperm donor. Should all work as we hope, we are not sure how to approach exactly this situation of telling our child about it. At first I thought we should just keep it a secret, but t…

I can see why you might worry about not being the father.

As the child of a sperm donor, I can tell you, my dad is and always will be my dad, regardless of the fact that he's not my "biological father."

My experience has shown me that parents aren't "zero-sum", if that makes sense. Learning there was another father-figure into my life changed, but didn't diminish, my relationship with father. Both my dad and my biological father represent critically important pieces of me and the fact that they aren't the same person doesn't diminish how I feel about either of them, it just means I'm the product of the combination of them (and my mother, environmental, etc.).

I can't know for sure, but I feel like what would alter how I feel about my father would be if he tried to hide from me who I really was (i.e. didn't want me to know that I was the child of a sperm donor). While I can understand wanting to keep that a secret to protect a child, I think it would have felt like the opposite if I hadn't been told. The fact that I'm a donor child feels like my secret to keep if I want to, not anyone else's - I'm grateful my parents told me (when I was about 10 - I'm now 38), and I'm grateful they've let me decide what I do with that information.

It's also worth considering that there's a good chance your child will eventually find out, even if you don't tell them. Whether through the prevalence of DNA testing, needing to know their medical history, or someone sharing information accidentally, it's something probably best told to someone in an intentional way - not happenstance.

The last thing that I'll mention is that when you choose a sperm donor, you'll likely have the option to choose an anonymous or non-anonymous (someone that is willing to be in contact with the child when he/she becomes 18) sperm donor. I hold no resentment towards my parents for using a sperm donor to conceive me (I wouldn't be here if they hadn't :), but I do wish they could have used a non-anonymous donor.

Like I say, my biological father is a part of me, but I don't know who he is. There are big questions for me (and my wife, and my son) about who I am, and until I find my biological father (still looking), I won't be able to answer them.

If you can, so your child isn't left with looming questions about who they are, I would highly recommend using a non-anonymous donor.

All the best to you, and your family, in your journey.

(throwaway account)

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